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Lilliputian
Call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
Original
Lilliputian
Tease,
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
Love the title!
(06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease, who's the tease?
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers, is this a list of people who steal, beg, bribe, or the victims of your stealing begging bribing
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men Love everything about knots and tangles and how noose men are included and separated from the list
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets semi colon, is this lumping the people with nets while starting it as a new subject, like the noose men previously, like a meta-heading
forever unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers, but see this seems like it's still in the list, but tied to nets by just a comma,
asking integrity's strength. So the whole poem even though ending on fairly nice words kind of abruptly ends as a list, like an incomplete run-on. Poetic yes, but who's the tease?
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease,
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven, the untangling nets made me think of fading integrity.. if intentional: the noose men´s integrity?
pulled & driven, I´d put this line above forever unwoven, just cause nets can´t pull anymore afterwards. forever is a big word, maybe just "unwoven"
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
I like the words and metaphors, as well as integrity as content of a prayer.
what I don´t quite understand are the first two stanzas, why the subject would or did steal, also not sure what was stolen (probably just me, not getting it)
Posts: 47
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2017
Hey Nibbed! Thanks for the lovely and witty read! Does the title imply the line length?
(06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease, Is this an imperative?
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe: No need for a comma before 'and'
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians, Lovely summary that flows just naturally
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
Not much more i can remark on this poem!
Thanks again for the read, Janine!
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, CRNDLSM, thank you for considering my poem and critiquing. I always need help with punctuation!
I can usually pick-out flaws in others, but my own...I fail miserably, I am punctuation intimidated.
(06-26-2017, 09:16 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Love the title!
(06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease, who's the tease? Good question, I was thinking he was a character everyone laughed at as I
call me pictured he was on a mission to weasle every piece, scrap, yard, length,
scavenger. he could from stingy fellow liliputs who might be holding back. As though
he were a lonely fish swimming upstream, I dunno, then tease sort of fit with tangled.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers, is this a list of people who steal, beg, bribe, or the victims of your stealing begging bribing
captains, fishermen, I used the colon to begin the list of suppliers
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men Love everything about knots and tangles and how noose men are included and separated from the list
I felt the character thought of them differently, perhaps their rope was most reliable
whose squareknots, overhands, or they were amongst the social outcasts?
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets semi colon, is this lumping the people with nets while starting it as a new subject, like the noose men previously, like a meta-heading I learned later, after I published this on Milo's (Todd's) Forum exercise, that capitals aren't
forever unwoven, to follow a semi-colon, but I had hoped there were exceptions to the rule? I like the capital.
pulled & driven,
prayers, but see this seems like it's still in the list, but tied to nets by just a comma,
asking integrity's strength. So the whole poem even though ending on fairly nice words kind of abruptly ends as a list, like an incomplete run-on. Poetic yes, but who's the tease? yes, I had intended it to be a run-on type list, but I struggled with the awkwardness as I wrote it.
Thank you vagabond, for commenting on my poem. I think your suggestion is very good. I will type it out when I work on my final revision and see how it works. It seems more aesthetic, for sure and more poetic, too. I will see if it works. I don't know why my pen pulled noosemen apart, I guess the liliputian thought of them that way? I don't know, it's been many years since I read Gulliver's Travels, but I remember in my child's mind, they were all good folk, sweet and admirable, busy. This particular liliputian was more frantic in my mind's eye. He was driven in his mission to get every bit of rope that others may have been holding back on. He was particulary frightened of the giant. Thank you so much for commenting and taking the time to help me with my poem. Janine
(06-26-2017, 09:20 PM)vagabond Wrote: (06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease,
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven, the untangling nets made me think of fading integrity.. if intentional: the noose men´s integrity?
pulled & driven, I´d put this line above forever unwoven, just cause nets can´t pull anymore afterwards. forever is a big word, maybe just "unwoven"
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
I like the words and metaphors, as well as integrity as content of a prayer.
what I don´t quite understand are the first two stanzas, why the subject would or did steal, also not sure what was stolen (probably just me, not getting it)
Hi four-eyed cat! Whew, I am still recovering from your poem Psychotherapy. I feel like a cavewoman who was clobbered by a caveman from another tribe, and I am just now blinking back to my senses! Then the joy to come here and see my poem receiving help, well, it is good. Thank you so much for considering my poem.
(06-26-2017, 09:33 PM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: Hey Nibbed! Thanks for the lovely and witty read! Does the title imply the line length?
(06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease, Is this an imperative? I'm not sure, maybe.
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe: No need for a comma before 'and' thank you!
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians, Lovely summary that flows just naturally it was a bit of a fun challenge thinking about
researching occupations of that era that might
those noose men use rope
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
Not much more i can remark on this poem!
Thanks again for the read, Janine! You are welcome, four-eyed cat. Thank you so much for taking the time not only to read my poem, but to comment, too! Janine
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 13
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2017
(06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease,
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
hello nibbed, I actually like this one allot one thing and probably the only thing i don't get is, what is the "tease" it just seems out of place to the rest of the poem and there is no return to its reference... feel like if it's there it should perhaps come back in the last verse or something, for closure lol
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-18-2017, 06:56 AM)Pat Doiron Wrote: (06-26-2017, 12:32 PM)nibbed Wrote: Lilliputian
Tease,
call me
scavenger.
So I had to
steal, beg, and bribe:
Steeple keepers,
captains, fishermen,
merchants, ferrymen,
nagsmen, magicians,
those noose men
whose squareknots, overhands,
bowlines & sheetbends
are now loosed,
stretched into
straight lengths;
Tangled nets
forever unwoven,
pulled & driven,
prayers,
asking integrity's strength.
hello nibbed, I actually like this one allot one thing and probably the only thing i don't get is, what is the "tease" it just seems out of place to the rest of the poem and there is no return to its reference... feel like if it's there it should perhaps come back in the last verse or something, for closure lol
Thank you, Pat Doiron,
for your kind consideration of my poem.
I am about to do my revision using
many the suggestions of critique.
Have a blessed day!
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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