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Blanketed in yellow
from a low sun
they glow
like the signs
over their heads.
GATES 3-4 and i for INFORMATION.
Illuminated shapes
so easily understood:
‘There’s planes, here’s counsel’.
But their faces
they’re a riddle.
We are strangers.
Us and our book-cover-faces.
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(01-20-2017, 11:27 PM)j56 Wrote: Blanketed in the yellow glow of a low sun
they resemble the illuminated signs
hanging over their heads -
GATES 3-4 and i for INFORMATION. I like this line and the question because it's making me think about how people interpret symbols in a new way
These signifiers, translated, uncover meaning.
But what would they look like to the unlearned eye?
Like their faces. Can't work out this line, though, is it a command or an incomplete sentence?
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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(01-20-2017, 11:27 PM)j56 Wrote: Blanketed in the yellow glow of a low sun
they resemble the illuminated signs
hanging over their heads -
GATES 3-4 and i for INFORMATION.
These signifiers, translated, uncover meaning.
But what would they look like to the unlearned eye?
Like their faces.
Hi j56! I think you should give more clarity to how exactly 'they' resemble the signs -- I'm assuming they're glowing yellow like the sighs? But, the mind conjures so many hilarious comparisons, none of which could exist in reality, and I get stuck there trying to figure out how people are like signs.
And I agree that the ending fragment sounds like something you'd see on an advertisement, commanding you to 'Like' their page on Facebook.
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"Signs" The pun here works well with the theme of linguistics—its plurality of meaning even flirts with deconstructionism.
Blanketed in the yellow glow of a low sun "Blanketed" is interesting. Evokes an image of children—wrapped up in the universal symbol of the sun. Its juxtapositional use for light (as opposed to obscure or darken) has tensional, metaphorical potential and could be fleshed out more. It appears cliche during the initial read, only becoming more meaningful upon closer look.
they resemble the illuminated signs Nice follow-up image. Sibilant line endings of "sign" and "sun" connect the two. I initially envisioned the signs being the same color of the sun—though I feel you could work line 1's echo of "low" into this line somehow (or hint at it). The connotation of "illuminated" being knowledge/light is appropriate, yet it leaves me wanting more from "resemble" which doesn't do much for the poem. Consider replacing or omitting it.
hanging over their heads - I like the idiomatic language hinted here (i.e. the signs' meanings "went over their heads"). However, I'm not sure about "hanging". It alliterates with "heads" yet the relationship is weak. Consider developing or cutting it.
Just a thought: maybe you could make "heads" singular? It could create/reinforce their collective (alienated) minds as a symbol itself.
GATES 3-4 and i for INFORMATION. The formatting is clever. On the surface, the all-caps words are like those of actual signs. Beneath the surface, their size comes off as intimidating. The lowercase "i" suggests itself simply as a component in the machinery of language (in this context)—just like the pronoun "I" in a society. Your echoic "for" is alluring/mysterious, serving as a conduit between a numeral symbol ("4") with a preposition ("for") and a root ("FORm" in "inFORmation")—not sure if this was intentional, but the scope of its connectivity suggests a lot.
These signifiers, translated, uncover meaning. This line is too anemic: nothing here is stylistically engaging to me. Its explanatory tone comes off as jarring in relation to the overall tone. It's in this desire to elaborate that the poet sound unsure if the concept is effectively expressed. I say cut this line and try suggesting its idea in other areas. You won't have to do much since the poem is largely about communication.
But what would they look like to the unlearned eye? I suggest shortening this line—it's wordy. The metaphor of "unlearned eye" and Like their faces. its connection to "faces" doesn't compel me to explore its meaning. The use of eye as a symbol for understanding is just too prevalent (ask Dickinson), resulting in an uninteresting image. If you're determined to keep it for its connectivity as a universal symbol (a part in the body, similar to language), then try toying with its meaning and how it's expressed.
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson
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Thanks to all of you for your feedback. With it in mind I have tried a re-write:
Blanketed in the yellow of a low sun
They glow like the signs
Slung over their heads –
GATES 3-4 and i for INFORMATION.
Signifiers of concealed meaning
Which interpretation unmasks.
But how would they seem to an untaught eye?
Uninterpretable - like their faces.
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Threads merged, new edit placed on top.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(01-31-2017, 08:34 PM)ellajam Wrote: Threads merged, new edit placed on top.
thanks!
(01-22-2017, 10:10 AM)Rogo Wrote: "Signs" The pun here works well with the theme of linguistics—its plurality of meaning even flirts with deconstructionism.
Blanketed in the yellow glow of a low sun "Blanketed" is interesting. Evokes an image of children—wrapped up in the universal symbol of the sun. Its juxtapositional use for light (as opposed to obscure or darken) has tensional, metaphorical potential and could be fleshed out more. It appears cliche during the initial read, only becoming more meaningful upon closer look.
they resemble the illuminated signs Nice follow-up image. Sibilant line endings of "sign" and "sun" connect the two. I initially envisioned the signs being the same color of the sun—though I feel you could work line 1's echo of "low" into this line somehow (or hint at it). The connotation of "illuminated" being knowledge/light is appropriate, yet it leaves me wanting more from "resemble" which doesn't do much for the poem. Consider replacing or omitting it.
hanging over their heads - I like the idiomatic language hinted here (i.e. the signs' meanings "went over their heads"). However, I'm not sure about "hanging". It alliterates with "heads" yet the relationship is weak. Consider developing or cutting it.
Just a thought: maybe you could make "heads" singular? It could create/reinforce their collective (alienated) minds as a symbol itself.
GATES 3-4 and i for INFORMATION. The formatting is clever. On the surface, the all-caps words are like those of actual signs. Beneath the surface, their size comes off as intimidating. The lowercase "i" suggests itself simply as a component in the machinery of language (in this context)—just like the pronoun "I" in a society. Your echoic "for" is alluring/mysterious, serving as a conduit between a numeral symbol ("4") with a preposition ("for") and a root ("FORm" in "inFORmation")—not sure if this was intentional, but the scope of its connectivity suggests a lot.
These signifiers, translated, uncover meaning. This line is too anemic: nothing here is stylistically engaging to me. Its explanatory tone comes off as jarring in relation to the overall tone. It's in this desire to elaborate that the poet sound unsure if the concept is effectively expressed. I say cut this line and try suggesting its idea in other areas. You won't have to do much since the poem is largely about communication.
But what would they look like to the unlearned eye? I suggest shortening this line—it's wordy. The metaphor of "unlearned eye" and Like their faces. its connection to "faces" doesn't compel me to explore its meaning. The use of eye as a symbol for understanding is just too prevalent (ask Dickinson), resulting in an uninteresting image. If you're determined to keep it for its connectivity as a universal symbol (a part in the body, similar to language), then try toying with its meaning and how it's expressed.
cheers for the feedback, any thoughts on the edit?
