THREATS

[hesawacko]

Here's another fatherhood humor poem that could probably use a little help.


THREATS

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should

Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge

The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?

[CRNDLSM]

Here's another fatherhood humor poem that could probably use a little help.


THREATS

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always workpronouns are confusing here,  who what's don't work? 
Even though they should

Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek I don't like meek 

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge

The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?I almost want this line to be longer because of the too much.  I like what you're saying though, this is funny

[HopeVictoria56]

Here's another fatherhood humor poem that could probably use a little help.


THREATS

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good what better be good?
They don't always work
Even though they should what or who (how old are they? Is this their first job, yard work, etc) doesn't always work? If I didn't already know that this was a humorous dad poem then I'd have no idea at all what this meant.  Even when I already know it's a humorous dad poem, there is still some ambiguity.

Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak I realize now that they're not about to get the what-have-you for not mowing the lawn... these children are younger than I first imagined.
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge

The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much 
to pick up a sock? It is funny! Maybe just clear up the first stanza so anyone reading would know what it was about?

[ThatOneGuy]

I had a good laugh reading this poem. I agree with @HopeVitctoria56's 2nd point though.

If you hadn't specified that it was a humorous dad poem the first few lines would be quite vague. Not necissarily negative though. I guess it would all make sense at the last sentence.

Thanks for posting @hesawacko

[jrgxng]

First and foremost, you can improve the reader experience by using punctuation throughout the stanza - I've always believed that poetry is meant to be heard, and the best way for an author to help the reader 'listen' is through creating pauses & stops where you would pause or stop if you were to read aloud.

Your first four lines are vague, and are only explained by your title & reference to fatherhood. You could also clean up the pronoun problem CRNDLSM pointed out through replacing 'they' with 'my kids', which would help enforce the nature of simplicity in this poem.

The latter half of the poem is good stuff, rhyme scheme is clear, rhythm is iffy but acceptable (would be helped by punctuation as aforementioned.)

[Rogo]

Threats

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should            

Something to scare                                                             5
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek                    10

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge

The Earth will tremble                                                          15
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?


I like the premise of the poem. Too many poets pen "sad" and/or "dark" poems (or "angry" ones if you're into slam poetry). So it's refreshing to read one that's humorous. 

The plain style, parallel syntax, and rhyme scheme make it sound like a children's book —which fits well! However, some of the language comes off as too plain with words like good, soft, and weak. Try finding different, more interesting words to replace them. If not, vary sentence structures a bit if you're adamant about keeping the words... which brings us to the parallel syntax. 

While the parallel syntax is appropriate, I would hold off on it in the beginning. Repetition is meant to increase tension, but this can't happen if it's too prevalent. It becomes monotonous —not tense. 

You could also stray from the rhyme scheme a little to surprise the reader. For example, ABABA and CDCD could be followed by EFEG. (Dickinson was notorious for doing this!) Either way, I say explore your options and continue to have fun with it.

First and foremost, you can improve the reader experience by using punctuation throughout the stanza - I've always believed that poetry is meant to be heard, and the best way for an author to help the reader 'listen' is through creating pauses & stops where you would pause or stop if you were to read aloud.

Sort of. Punctuation isn't required in order slow down or create pauses in a poem. This can be done strictly through lineation and even syntax. It depends on what the poem is doing and who the poet is. I mentioned Dickinson earlier, and she's a great example of why omitting/decreasing punctuation can yield interesting effects. "Much Madness is Divinest Sense" puts her infamous dashes to good use by having them blur the relationship between some of the lines. A similar result could be done by leaving out punctuation all together.

Of course, punctuation can create just as interesting effects. I just wanted him to know that it isn't always necessary. 

[voodoochild]

I can definitely see 'Threats' being in a children's poetry book or something of the like. I really liked your last stanza and your last sentence, how you leave it with a question that is humorous. I think you should show your kids and maybe they will pick up their socks!

[JasonM.]

Hello, Hesawacko!

I get caught up in poems that are often serious and forget that there are gems such as this. 

If it wasn't for the statement in the beginning
 'Here's another fatherhood humor poem that could probably use a little help.' 
I would of been confused for the first 2 stanzas. I would include something about fatherhood to let the reader know who's talking to who. 

Thank you for sharing this poem, it reminds me of dealing with children I would take of and brings back some good memories. 

[hesawacko]

Hi all, here's an attempt at a revision.  

THREATS
 
Staring at their faces
I know it better be good   
Threats don’t always work
Even though they should
 
My glares will scare
My words will astound
My volume will rise, I’m not messing around
 
Time out is soft
Naptime is weak
Intimidation can never sound meek
 
I want them to know
I’m nobody’s stooge
My wrath should be epic, unforgettable, huge
 
The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?



And this is the original:

THREATS

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should

Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge

The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock?

[burrealist]

Hi all, here's an attempt at a revision.  

THREATS
 
Staring at their faces
I know it better be good With a title like "Threats", I think the immediate follow-up should be intense, and at the very most, invasive of our feelings. This intorduction makes your title choice misleading.    
Threats don’t always work
Even though they should So what do you mean here?
 
My glares will scare
My words will astound Following up right here, I think you shouldn't tell us anything at all. Curse at us and make us feel like crap. (They say "show, don't tell".)
My volume will rise, I’m not messing around
 
Time out is soft
Naptime is weak
Intimidation can never sound meek Sports?
 
I want them to know
I’m nobody’s stooge
My wrath should be epic, unforgettable, huge
 
The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock? So is this about your kids? Kids can be tough.

My overall thought is to be less elusive. I have a general idea what you're saying. I hope this helped you.

[nibbed]

A very cute poem. I thought about my Heavenly Father because He is loving and jolly in a similar way, but I also fear Him because...well, He's GOD!
But I don't think he threatens, just warns His children, if only we will read His instruction...though likely He would threaten anyone who would hurt one of His own. This is poetry that makes one smile and accomplishes a mission of quirky cleverness, better than a jingle or a ditty. I did stumble a bit on the meter near the end. Let me go back and look again.


THREATS

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should

Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge       this made me belly laugh! (maybe, "unforgettably"?)

The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much                             It was here, this line. The accent patterns don't seem to fit with the other stanzas....
to pick up a sock?                                                    I stumbled, but maybe it was me...


Thank you kindly for such a read today.
Best wishes!

[18sawe]

Hi hesawacko,

I really like your poem, even though I'm not a father (quite the opposite really!) I do a lot of babysitting and with my little brother the content is relatable! 
I love your second line that admits the father doesn't quite know what the threat is but knows it has to be good to work.


[quote='hesawacko' pid='222657' dateline='1484000580']
Here's another fatherhood humor poem that could probably use a little help.


THREATS

Staring at their faces
I know it better be good
They don't always work
Even though they should Sorry to be a picky, but you missed a full stop XD

Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around The repetition here is great, and the poem has a nice flow.

Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek Punctuation I think is necessary here again...

I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge

The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock Is rock the right adjective to use? Perhaps using 'shake' would be better? Tremble and shake are more synonymous as well.
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock? The rhetorical question here is amusing and is a fitting ending to a humorous poem. It really is a funny, relatable poem. 

Hopefully I was useful to some degree!
Thanks
Erica.

[headybeach]

Haha, I'm really loving the humorous vibes on this poem! I think the rhyme you chose definitely fits it well since it kind of plays into the feeling of angry, pacing thoughts that the poem has! I agree with the small grammatical things that others have pointed out, for example the pronoun in the first stanza. The only other thing I'd have to say is that, since the rhyme scheme you use for the middle three stanzas requires their first two lines two be real short, it kind of forces those two lines to show off the building up of anger, compared to your stanzas' final lines where the anger explodes a little bit and seeps into the faster feeling sentences. Because each stanza follows this pattern, it almost feels like, with the start of each stanza, the anger/frustration has been stunted and kind of dissipated and has to build up again, which I think kind of breaks the progression of the poem. But, I think that you could keep the progression of anger going by filling those beginning lines with more and more syllables each stanza to give them a feeling of increasing anger as the poem progresses. The punchline is hilarious, though! I love it! I think this poem is really cute and lovingly funny! Thanks for sharing!

[Szczepan]

The revision works well for me. Maybe some tweaks somewhere but I'm at a loss where other than somehow trying to replace "They" in "They don't always work" with - if you can find one - a synonym for "threat". The fact that "threat" is in the title to me isn't enough to know what "they" is / are. (tho' on 2nd thought, "they" does get context as the poem develops.... hmm I'm conflicted)

Especially like the fact that some lines are longer than others. Sets a silly, irreverent tone that's appropriate.

Despite the fact that I am now intimidated by your methods (!), believe me when I say that I was entertained. ;-)