Reality

[AsianPotato]

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages.
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?
Through the halls of time
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble,
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble.
 
I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,
Riding into glory within the light.
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrow
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling,
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.

[CRNDLSM]

Howdy, hope you workshop this one.  There seems to be a lot of needless repetition and rhyme.

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages. (?)  If we're confined how can we wander much less be forced to wander, if the cage is strictly abstract, at the end you go back to your cage, we're you ever confined? Questioning reality
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?
Through the halls of time
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble,
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble. Humble as a mumble in the jungle of shots and screams, these are familiar rhymes
 
I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.this whole stanza I think doesn't add to the piece, filler
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?I like this stanza, like an interjection 
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,I don't like the sudden introduction of a third person other than the 'we' I've been reading about, excluding one individual this 'some one else'
Riding into glory within the light.
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?don't like commoners, but it does make contrast to the 'knight'
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrowleast favorite stanza, probly cause of the rhymes
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling,dirty tears, cause the face they're sliding down is dirty from the strolling outside through the day?
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.the echoes are part of reality, will we hear them?

Prolly More critique than you were looking for, hope it helps

[AsianPotato]

Howdy, hope you workshop this one.  There seems to be a lot of needless repetition and rhyme.

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages. (?)  If we're confined how can we wander much less be forced to wander, if the cage is strictly abstract, at the end you go back to your cage, we're you ever confined? Questioning reality
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?
Through the halls of time
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble,
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble. Humble as a mumble in the jungle of shots and screams, these are familiar rhymes
 
I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.this whole stanza I think doesn't add to the piece, filler
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?I like this stanza, like an interjection 
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,I don't like the sudden introduction of a third person other than the 'we' I've been reading about, excluding one individual this 'some one else'
Riding into glory within the light.
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?don't like commoners, but it does make contrast to the 'knight'
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrowleast favorite stanza, probly cause of the rhymes
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling,dirty tears, cause the face they're sliding down is dirty from the strolling outside through the day?
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.the echoes are part of reality, will we hear them?

Prolly More critique than you were looking for, hope it helps

Thanks for the advice, when you say there's lot of needless repetition which particular words do you have in mind?

[CRNDLSM]

Well, you're using different words to say the same thing over and over, the repetition is the never ending familiar tune that's made you sick,
Miserable, Doomed, goddamned, dirty grumbling. The third time you're shouting your woe doesn't add to the piece, may even if you elaborated on the cage or alternatives to reality to contrast what you're saying. Reality is a tough noun to deconstruct and make your own.

[Lizzie]

Hi, AP! Welcome to the site. Looks like you got a solid read from Crundle, so I'll just add a couple of points.

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages. -- I agree that these first two lines strike the reader as illogical. We're picturing cages, and now we're aimlessly wandering.
Strolling ever so serenely, -- 'serenely' does not mesh with the rest of the angst in the poem -- perhaps you mean something more like stoicism, an acceptance and stiff upper lip in the face of adversity? To me that's different then serenity, but that's just my reading.
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?
Through the halls of time
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble, -- and yet there is much grumbling in the poem...I think you need to give the speaker a consistent voice.
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble.
 
I’m sick of this constant flow -- the voice shift from speaking about the plight of the 'we' in the last stanza to now focusing on the 'I' is jarring -- whether you choose to write about the individual or the collective makes no difference in my eyes, as long as the perspective is consistent.
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.
This familiar tune we play, -- and now we're back to 'we'
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive -- and back to 'I'.....the perspective changes are distracting. Makes the piece feel like disjointed bits of text stuck together rather then being a cohesive whole.
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,
Riding into glory within the light. -- within the light is awkward phrasing
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrow
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling, -- these last two lines feel a little maudlin
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.

Overall, I would spend more time showing the details of the struggle rather then just saying it's miserable or we're doomed. Solid imagery, metaphor, simile -- that's what's needed to evoke emotion in the reader. As a reader, I still feel disconnected from the struggle, and I believe that it's because I'm only being told about it and not shown.

Hope this helps some,

Cheers!

Lizzie

[Winterloc]

Hello, first off I have only written some poetry and am new to critiquing, so I'm no expert! But here goes. I really did enjoy this it drew me in right away. I definitely appreciated some of the imagery you used. I was confused too as one of the others readers was about the cage and and being back in it at the end. However as I thought deeper into maybe you were alluding to being fully concious, as when you wake from the sleep thats a respite from day to day realities. I liked that. And also as if we all "wander" with a cage on top of our bodies (representing our lonely mind maybe?). Nice. 
I personally like how you referenced simple things like "simple Joe" and "familiar tune". The whole poem has sort of a feel like a pendulum swinging back and forth between simple upfront things and the depths of dissapoinment with reality. Like going into the deeper parts of the mind then back up to the surface for air. I just enjoyed the nature of it. The thing I felt could be tweaked was the conclusion. 

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages.
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?
Through the halls of time - I really liked this imagery/metaphor 
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble,
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble.
 
I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe. I liked the contrast of simplicity to deeper disappointments stated elsewere 
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,
Riding into glory within the light.
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrow
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling, This is the thing I felt could be tweaked to give more impact, possibly: you'll hear the echo of a dirty tears fall, as it flows through this lonely hall" for some reason I feel like using singular "tear" drives it in more. But hey. Thats just me. 
to be
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.

Overall I enjoyed it, thanks for sharing!!!

[Richard]

Hello AsianPotato,
I found that some of your images caught my eye. For example, the imagery of a knight and commoners interested me. However, it felt sort of out of place with the idea of feeling caged. I feel like you could easily make two poems out the imagery you have here.

A note on rhyming, rhyming is incredibly difficult in modern poetry, so I applaud your courage for writing a rhyming poem. I spent years trying to be a rhyming poet, and I gave up on it because, in my opinion, the amount of work it took wasn't worth the limitations rhyming puts on a poet's ability to express their thoughts and feelings. However, if you are determined to rhyme, I would recommend on being consistent. Your rhyme scheme changes from stanza to stanza. If you you are going to be a rhyming poet, you need to establish your rhyme scheme in your poem and follow it. I was always taught that to do otherwise is considered cheating to a certain extent.

I would actually love to see this poem redone without any rhyming. The idea of being caged by reality and the mundane nature of everyday life is relevant to today's audience, so I think you are onto something with this poem. May be even expand the metaphor of the cage. If reality today is a cage, then what are the bars made of? Does that make reality a prison, jail or just a single cell? These are all questions that you could use to further explore the main idea of your poem, and I would look forward to reading what you could come up with. Overall, this is a wonderful first effort, and I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Elizazile]

Hi there
I agree that the idea of "cages" does not exactly jive with 'wandering,' but I also see how maybe the cage is a metaphorical and internal one wherein a person cannot escape/exceed the mode of wandering passively and serenely. I can see, especially as I continue to read, how that is its own kind of cage. However I would still suggest trying to resolve the discrepancy in the imagery there, especially since it is what starts off the poem.

Also, since the point of your piece is to bemoan monotony and the repetitive nature of experiences it seemed fitting that the poem itself took on a rather repetitive and monotonous tone, but it still made it a bit hard to stay engaged at some points. There were a few moments, which I note, which I think re-iterated the message without giving new or helpful imagery and made the piece feel unnecessarily draggy. 
There were a few elements I marked that I really liked and hope you work with! I am also curious if, in a final draft, you want to explore what makes the speaker shift away from buying into old hopes and towards this new sense of hopelessness.

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages.  
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?       -This is a place where your rhymes work for me and create        
Through the halls of time                       helpful imagery of passive people in a curated environment
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble, - This part feels a bit overdone to me 
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble.
 
I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.   -think this makes it drag without giving a new take on the situation
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,
Riding into glory within the light.
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrow
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,  - I like that the speaker seems to have gotten in willingly
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.                         here, at first tired of being enclosed and now habituated 
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling,                    to enclosing themselves with sorrow but without 
Flowing through these halls,                                      complaint
Echoing.

[C.los]

I enjoyed reading your piece! This poem is sort of how life is for me. Feeling caged, forced to conform to the the norm, feeling like theres no choice. "dead end jobs, low wages, money, religion, politics" it all puts us in our own cages. I always enjoy reading pieces that rhyme. Maybe try and complex multi syllable rhymes not just ending word rhymes. Not necessary just makes for good, less cliche rhymes!

Hello, I'm rather new to poetry, and I'd like some feedback on this piece, thanks in advance.

Reality
 
Aren’t we all confined within our own cages,
Forced to wander through the ages. Line 1 and 2 are a bit ironic. Confined yet you wander
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery?
Through the halls of time
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble, I feel like the words just sounded the same so you put them together
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble.
 
I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.
 
I’m sick of being alive
If being alive is what this is
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?
 
Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,
Riding into glory within the light.
 
Us commoners, what good do we know?
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.
 
Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrow
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.
 
And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling,
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.

[Szczepan]

Aren’t we all confined within our own cages, *** simply "Confined within our own cages" works better for me
Forced to wander through the ages.
Strolling ever so serenely,
Through all the grass and crafted scenery? ***"crafted, grass scenery" or something like it would evoke more imagery to me...
Through the halls of time
We tumble and stumble, and yet not a single grumble,
Is heard within the chime
Of this ever-familiar rhyme we mumble. *** I'm a such for internal rhymes...so, me like!***

I’m sick of this constant flow
No highs, no lows, just a simple Joe.
This familiar tune we play,
Each and every single day.
Never ending. Serenading.
The same old streets we stroll through each day,
Same greetings, same faces, same goddamned Mondays.

I’m sick of being alive *** something here & next sentence doesn't work for me
If being alive is what this is *** maybe the whole thing uses "alive" too much?
Where is the drive? The strive?
Being alive?

Yet perhaps it’s better this way,
Don’t rekindle this snuffed out flame.
Let someone else be the armored knight,
Riding into glory within the light. *** "into the spotlight" ... just a thought

Us commoners, what good do we know?
We’re just castaways, relics from an old yesterday.
Those hopes, visions, and dreams we once followed?
Ha! Who would have believed all that mumbo jumbo?
Maybe we’re all just miserable cargo *** got to be a better rhyme here imho
Doomed to ride this train indefinitely,
For all damned eternity.

Leave us be,
To wallow in our own sorrow
And hope not, for a better tomorrow.

And when morning comes, I’ll be back in my cage,
No fire, no light a rather pitiful sight.
You’ll hear the sound of dirty tears falling,
Flowing through these halls,
Echoing.


***Final Thought: here's hoping that your optimistic about creating pessimistic poetry .... if that makes sense!!

[Josiah]

I'm not a very experienced critic, but your poem was actually pretty good. I like a lot of the imagery such as walking around an empty cage. It's got a melancholy tone, which is honestly my favourite when it comes to poetry. Some of your lines do have quite a bit of repetition, though and I feel like it could have been a bit more condensed. But overall, it's a pretty good poem!