Misfit Tears Edit #1

[HopeVictoria56]

Edit #1

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one.
Though my soul cries misfit tears,
they slip not through my finger slits,
but on your tongue.
Kiss me desperately
for I cannot stay long.
De-vest me, undress me.
I'll fall down gladly
with hopes to land somewhere beautiful.
Then tuck my heart back under my clothes
and keep walking.


Original:

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one with myself.
I let you in.  I let you see my soul.
Cried misfit tears on your pillow
and you still had me.
I'd fall down gladly
with hopes that I will land somewhere beautiful.
And here I am again.
Getting lost in daytime reveries.
Kiss me desperately.
Tell me you feel the same way I do.
Look into my eyes and undress me.
But sometimes dreams are only dreams.
Nothing more.
So I'll pick my heart up off the floor
and keep walking.

[Achebe]

Hello Hope. I would suggest that you cut out all but once instance each of the pronouns used liberally in the poem, and see where that takes you.

[ellajam]

Hi, Hope. While the poem is clear I think it would help if you changed the cliches and thought of some novel ways to express the same thoughts. Some notes below.

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one with myself. I like this opening, simple but deep.
I let you in.  I let you see my soul. Cliche.
Cried misfit tears on your pillow
and you still had me. Again, strong and expressive, though "tears on your pillow" rings cliche.
I'd fall down gladly
with hopes that I will land somewhere beautiful. Good thought, you might want to expand on this.
And here I am again.
Getting lost in daytime reveries. Meh on these lines
Kiss me desperately. yes
Tell me you feel the same way I do. cliche
Look into my eyes and undress me. cliche
But sometimes dreams are only dreams.
Nothing more.
So I'll pick my heart up off the floor
and keep walking.

So, these comments may be a bit much for the Novice Workshop but I think with a few cuts and tweaks you could really shine this up. Good luck with it, I hope this helps.

[MadelineAnne]

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one with myself. I also like this intro. I like how the beginning and ending lines are triumphant.
I let you in.  I let you see my soul. 'see my soul' is pretty cliche
Cried misfit tears on your pillow
and you still had me. 'had' is a weak verb, not specific and contains no action
I'd fall down gladly
with hopes that I will land somewhere beautiful. like this
And here I am again.
Getting lost in daytime reveries. What daytime reveries? I think you need some specificity here.
Kiss me desperately.
Tell me you feel the same way I do.
Look into my eyes and undress me. I like 'undress me' but 'look into my eyes' is cliche.
But sometimes dreams are only dreams.
Nothing more. You don't need this fragment.
So I'll pick my heart up off the floor
and keep walking.

Keep pushing yourself toward new, specific images/metaphors and you'll get there.

Cheers

[hesawacko]

I can feel the hope and heartbreak in this poem, which means its on the right track. The emotion is there. But I agree you should try cutting a lot of the pronouns, and possibly condensing it a bit more. For instance, "I let you into my soul" might be stronger and more succinct than "I let you in. I let you see my soul" (or maybe there's something more provocative/razor sharp about "holding/feeling your soul"? maybe). It also removes one of the cliches, which I think might be pulling your poem away from its emotional strengths. More precise imagery vs. some of the cliches could make this very strong.

[ellajam]

Wonderful edit, some notes:

L2:
I think you've lost something by losing "one with myself", "one" does not mean the same thing. I'd love to see you find a strong word here that says what you mean.

L3:
I like to see "soul cries" disappear in favor of something more unique and sonically pleasing.

L4:
"slip not" is an unnecessary inversion, I suggest changing it. But I'm confused, tears don't normally come through fingers and I can't figure out what finger slits are. Maybe others will get it or you could clarify.

L5:
Not a fan of "for", it stilts the passionate feel of the poem.

L6:
Devest is an interesting choice, I like it a lot but from what I can find it doesn't need the hyphen and I don't need the vest image.

I believe the last four lines are one sentence.

I hope that's not too much, good work being done here.

Edit #1

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one.
Though my soul cries misfit tears,
they slip not through my finger slits,
but on your tongue.
Kiss me desperately
for I cannot stay long.
De-vest me, undress me.
I'll fall down gladly
with hopes to land somewhere beautiful.
Then tuck my heart back under my clothes
and keep walking.


Original:

I travel down a lonesome road
and call it being one with myself.
I let you in.  I let you see my soul.
Cried misfit tears on your pillow
and you still had me.
I'd fall down gladly
with hopes that I will land somewhere beautiful.
And here I am again.
Getting lost in daytime reveries.
Kiss me desperately.
Tell me you feel the same way I do.
Look into my eyes and undress me.
But sometimes dreams are only dreams.
Nothing more.
So I'll pick my heart up off the floor
and keep walking.

[jrgxng]

Your edit is a clear improvement in language from the original - great to see that kind of instant improvement. However, as we often see with 'novice' poetry, you've sacrificed some of the meaning in your first iteration for a cleaner, more eloquent feel in the second. This is apparent in the second half of your poem, where the majority of the sentiment surrounding the romantic experience has been cut out, eg. 'tell me you feel the same way as I do', 'but sometimes dreams are only dreams', and etcetera. Be sure when you're revising a poem that the message you intended to express when you initially approached it is still maintained in your revision, and furthermore, be sure that you establish a message and topic before you even begin writing. All of this said, the contrast between your first and second versions of this poem is impressive!