**Thanks in advance for reading my poem. This is to read out at a wedding in a couple of weeks. I have not written in years so constructive feedback very welcome!**
Today is a perfect day
When two hearts intertwine as they may
Tis’ the beginning of an everlasting journey
And the freedom of love shines its beauty
Standing in glorious oneness
Oh, thank the Lord for his greatness
For bringing perfect souls down a painted path
From creating life through to the aftermath
Unravelling every layer of the rose to the warmth of the sun
Caressing every cell, infusing with protection and serenity
Fresh dew touching the petals without fear of vulnerability
It is time to just be
Swirling through every colour of the rainbow
Drifting through clouds, being carried with godly hands down a waterfall
Moments without hope for more than what they already are
Dreams do come true
May you dance with your children
Let the world see your wholeness
Let the joys and sorrows make you stronger
May your dreams interweave full of colour and beauty
Let love be the gentle breeze
Let it cleanse and wash your soul
May you honour and respect each other's individuality.
May your love glisten and shine and glow to the skies.
Be proud, be brave, be strong with humility.
May you both become one
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Hi, HK, I would scrap the opening rhyme, it sets up an expectation that the rest will rhyme. After that I think it's fine to keep an occasional rhyme. I've put a few notes in bold below.
(01-05-2017, 03:39 PM)Hkrodgers Wrote: **Thanks in advance for reading my poem. This is to read out at a wedding in a couple of weeks. I have not written in years so constructive feedback very welcome!**
Today is a perfect day
When two hearts intertwine as they may
Tis’ the beginning of an everlasting journey No need for tis, I'd use it's.
And the freedom of love shines its beauty
Standing in glorious oneness
Oh, thank the Lord for his greatness
For bringing perfect souls down a painted path Are they perfect souls or a perfect match?
From creating life through to the aftermath
Unravelling every layer of the rose to the warmth of the sun
Caressing every cell, infusing with protection and serenity Cell seems odd, consider infused.
Fresh dew touching the petals without fear of vulnerability
It is time to just be
Swirling through every colour of the rainbow
Drifting through clouds, being carried with godly hands down a waterfall I'd drop "drifting through clouds".
Moments without hope for more than what they already are
Dreams do come true
May you dance with your children
Let the world see your wholeness
Let the joys and sorrows make you stronger
May your dreams interweave full of colour and beauty
Let love be the gentle breeze
Let it cleanse and wash your soul
May you honour and respect each other's individuality.
May your love glisten and shine and glow to the skies.
Be proud, be brave, be strong with humility.
May you both become one
Hope this helps, good luck with it and to the couple.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(01-05-2017, 03:39 PM)Hkrodgers Wrote: **Thanks in advance for reading my poem. This is to read out at a wedding in a couple of weeks. I have not written in years so constructive feedback very welcome!**
Today is a perfect day
When two hearts intertwine as they may
Tis’ the beginning of an everlasting journey Agreed. Remove Tis' completely or change to it's
And the freedom of love shines its beauty Maybe add will or now between love and shine(s)
Standing in glorious oneness
Oh, thank the Lord for his greatness
For bringing perfect souls down a painted path As to the other comment by ellajam, maybe For bringing broken souls down a perfect path
From creating life through to the aftermath I see what you are trying to get at but this line is a little confusing, as aftermath is the consequences after an unpleasant event (referring to the fall?). You have built up beauty rather than focusing on their brokenness so aftermath doesn't seem to fit here.
Unravelling every layer of the rose to the warmth of the sun delete every add layers maybe. but fine as it is
Caressing every cell, infusing with protection and serenity agreed cell isn't very romantic. infused instead of infusing.
Fresh dew touching the petals without fear of vulnerability each petal is more precise than the petals.
It is time to just be
Swirling through every colour of the rainbow (lots of every already from lines above)
Drifting through clouds, being carried with godly hands down a waterfall Godly hands down a waterfall - lots of imagery that doesn't fit here
Moments without hope for more than what they already are
Dreams do come true
May you dance with your children
Let the world see your wholeness
Let the joys and sorrows make you stronger
May your dreams interweave full of colour and beauty
Let love be the gentle breeze
Let it cleanse and wash your soul
May you honour and respect each other's individuality.
May your love glisten and shine and glow to the skies.
Be proud, be brave, be strong with humility.
May you both become one
The back half is solid. Overall you have created a great poem that suits the occasion. Nobody there will be an expert poet and I'm sure all will enjoy this. Just a few word changes and you ought to be good.
Posts: 1,325
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Joined: Sep 2013
Agree on aftermath, I thought it but forgot to mention it. Nice explanation 
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Today is a perfect day
When two hearts entwine as they may
It’s the beginning of an everlasting journey
And the freedom of love now shines its beauty
Feel like I could take this out based on your comments - I'm sitting 50/50 on leaving it in or removing
Standing in glorious oneness
Oh, thank the Lord for his greatness
For bringing two souls down a painted path (broken or match doesn't feel like the right fit for the message I am trying to get across - does two instead of perfect work?)
From creating life through to the aftermath (hmm, yea - kind of stuck on this one. I am trying to say they are on a journey from creating life (having kids) to death do us part which is where I used the word aftermath)
Unravelling the rose to the warmth of the sun (removed 'every layer of the')
Infused with protection and serenity (removed caressing every cell)
Fresh dew touching each petal without fear of vulnerability (added 'each)
It is time to just be
Swirling through all the colours of the rainbow (changed 'every' to 'all the')
Being carried with godly hands down a waterfall (removed 'drifting through clouds')
Moments without hope for more than what they already are
Dreams do come true
May you dance with your children
Let the world see your wholeness
Let the joys and sorrows make you stronger
May your dreams interweave full of colour and beauty
Let love be the gentle breeze
Let it cleanse and wash your soul
May you honour and respect each others individuality
May your love glisten and shine and glow to the skies
Be proud, be brave, be strong with humility (humble)
May you both become one.
Posts: 996
Threads: 228
Joined: Aug 2016
I cringe to think of sappy love poems, but weddings are the place for them
(01-05-2017, 03:39 PM)Hkrodgers Wrote: **Thanks in advance for reading my poem. This is to read out at a wedding in a couple of weeks. I have not written in years so constructive feedback very welcome!**
Today is a perfect day
When two hearts intertwine as they may
Tis’ the beginning of an everlasting journey I think tis is outdated
And the freedom of love shines its beauty who's beauty, the beginning, the freedom, journey, love, or it is beauty...
Standing in glorious oneness
Oh, thank the Lord for his greatness people will love this interjection
For bringing perfect souls down a painted path
From creating life through to the aftermath aftermath reminds me of war and devastation maybe you don't need to rhyme
Unravelling every layer of the rose to the warmth of the sun like this imagery
Caressing every cell, infusing with protection and serenity
Fresh dew touching the petals without fear of vulnerabilitylost me here, dew feeling vulnerable
It is time to just be I don't care for this enjambment, 'time to just be' is weak on its own
Swirling through every colour of the rainbow but works well with this sentence as generic as rainbows are. Perfect for a wedding.
Drifting through clouds, being carried with godly hands down a waterfall nice
Moments without hope for more than what they already arethis line makes no sense I just cant.
Dreams do come true
May you dance with your children
Let the world see your wholeness
Let the joys and sorrows make you strongergood wedding material
May your dreams interweave full of colour and beauty
Let love be the gentle breeze
Let it cleanse and wash your soul
A little sleepy with all the grandiose images
May you honour and respect each other's individuality.
May your love glisten and shine and glow to the skies.glisten, shine, AND glow?
Be proud, be brave, be strong with humility.
May you both become one I think your party will love it.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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