Christmas Beggars
#1
Christmas Beggars
A true story
 
Bitter cold, one week before Christmas day,
Stuck in traffic, unmoving, a wreck up ahead.
To my right, at a light,
the exit for a strip mall,
entered the road we were stranded on.
My wife pointed to the corner,
Where the two roads met,
At one of those huge,
multi-signal traffic lights.
 
“Look,” she said.
 
Standing where she pointed,
at the corner, beneath the light,
begging for money,
a very thin woman,
with dull orange-red hair,
holding a sign saying please help me,
a victim of abuse,
with a little baby,
not more than a few weeks old,
cradled tightly in her arms.
 
Wind was blowing hard,
Dark was coming on,
snow beginning to fall.
 
“I’m going to go give her some money,” said my wife.
 
“Not on your life, you’ll freeze to death,” I said.
If you have to give her some money,
then wait till we’re nearer!”
 
“But that baby is freezing!” she wailed,
as her hand grabbed for the handle,
of our brand new car door.
 
Just then, the thin orange-red haired woman,
with the cold, red-faced baby,
turned,
and walked to an old powder blue Impala,
parked no more than ten feet away.
It was running,
exhaust spewed out the back.
 
There was a man in the driver’s seat,
and as the rear door sprang open,
another thin, orange-red haired woman,
got out from inside.
The woman with the baby,
slid quick by,
obviously in a hurry,
to get to the warm inside.
 
She paused for just a moment,
just long enough,
to hand the other woman,
her package, her prop.
 
These women were fakes,
but the cold, red-faced baby,
who had to stay outside,
was real enough. 
 
 erthona

©
2005
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#2
Nicely done!

There might have been just a smidgen more buildup description than necessary, but it gets the reader invested in the story - a matter of taste.

Had a distinct feeling where this might be going from about the midpoint (skeptical old reprobate am I) but the blue Impala was just enough distraction to keep me wondering about the final surprise (and cynical but not dead-cynical ultimate remark).

Alternate title (but that would give it away) - "No Room in the Impala."   Could spur Biblical associations, though.

And where did the driver come up with a carload of suitably pathetic, skaggy women?  Ho-ho-ho.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,   
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? 


Well, this answers Yeats. I would have nits, but I'm too tired to give anything not loopily substantial, other than lovely work (and terrible scene!). I bet the "true story" note was like in Fargo -- no, I want to bet. The Blue Impala driving by made me hope for something funnier, or at least something kinkier, but alas -- and thus, the slight sleight-of-hand worked for me, too, which means any problems probably have more to do with, say, style, than with narrative (for example, I kinda prefer the duke's suggested title, especially for its Biblicism). But the real question is, did the speaker give out anyway?
(12-27-2016, 11:45 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Christmas Beggars
A true story
 
Bitter cold, one week before Christmas day,
Stuck in traffic, unmoving, a wreck up ahead.
To my right, at a light,
the exit for a strip mall,
entered the road we were stranded on.
My wife pointed to the corner,
Where the two roads met,
At one of those huge,
multi-signal traffic lights.
 
“Look,” she said.
 
Standing where she pointed,
at the corner, beneath the light,
begging for money,
a very thin woman,
with dull orange-red hair,
holding a sign saying please help me,
a victim of abuse,
with a little baby,
not more than a few weeks old,
cradled tightly in her arms.
 
Wind was blowing hard,
Dark was coming on,
snow beginning to fall.
 
“I’m going to go give her some money,” said my wife.
 
“Not on your life, you’ll freeze to death,” I said.
If you have to give her some money,
then wait till we’re nearer!”
 
“But that baby is freezing!” she wailed,
as her hand grabbed for the handle,
of our brand new car door.
 
Just then, the thin orange-red haired woman,
with the cold, red-faced baby,
turned,
and walked to an old powder blue Impala,
parked no more than ten feet away.
It was running,
exhaust spewed out the back.
 
There was a man in the driver’s seat,
and as the rear door sprang open,
another thin, orange-red haired woman,
got out from inside.
The woman with the baby,
slid quick by,
obviously in a hurry,
to get to the warm inside.
 
She paused for just a moment,
just long enough,
to hand the other woman,
her package, her prop.
 
These women were fakes,
but the cold, red-faced baby,
who had to stay outside,
was real enough. 
 
 erthona

©
2005
Reply
#4
ahh.. a fake mary and a real christ. that is original.
but the "poor" child serves only to ignite the reader´s anger towards those .. parasites, trash, impostors..

sorry, this is no constructive critique, it´s the sarcastic response that poem evokes in me.
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