She's not perfect

[xXxForbiddenLovexXx]

Shes sorry, she just can't be perfect,
She cries sometimes, she gets hurt,
She gets angry, she screams,
She gets in fights, she makes mistakes.

They always say, she is flawless,
That she is beautiful, there is nothing wrong with her,
The lies that flow out of her mouth,
Just as fast as blood flows through veins.

Maybe she is wrong, maybe shes making it all up,
She could be right, things could be wrong,
She could be in over her head,
It may all be a fantasy, the mistakes are a fake.

Is she right, or is she wrong?
Is everything okay, does she just not see the good?
Can everything be true, can everything be broken?
Or is she blind, and cannot see her own perfection.

Things could be worst for her, so very worst,
She looks beyond the open wound,
The tears fall from her eyes, they drops stain her pillow.
Every tear, is a lie. It's all pretend... a fairytale.

[billy]

thanks for braving the serious critique form Michelle
for me you need a fair few solid images. even if it means losing some of what you already have.

Shes sorry, she just can't be perfect,
She cries sometimes, she gets hurt,
She gets angry, she screams,
She gets in fights, she makes mistakes. [how? i what way, can it be shown instead of told to us ie;]

She's sorry, she just can't be perfect--
She empties like a cloud when pricked.
She's whirring teeth on a screaming chainsaw
when angered, she fights like a mother.
She makes mistakes, some the size of boulders.

please don't take what i've written as a re-write. it isn't, it's just an example (a bad one at that ) on how to use an image instead of a generic cries, angry, or fight. the same technique can be applied in other parts of the poem



Things could be worst for her, so very worst, [worse]
She looks beyond the open wound,
The tears fall from her eyes, they drops stain her pillow. [the]
Every tear, is a lie. It's all pretend... a fairytale.

all in all it's a narrative poem, which allows for some telling, but where possible we should always show the image in the words.

thanks for the read as always.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Shes (apostrophe 'tween the she and s) sorry, she just can't be perfect,
She cries sometimes, she gets hurt,
She gets angry, she screams,
She gets in fights, she makes mistakes.

Perhaps in this first stanza you could search for a word that isn't 'gets' as you reuse 'She' so often the two together seems unthought.

They always say, she is flawless, They always say "She is flawless."
That she is beautiful, there is nothing wrong with her, "She is beautiful." There is nothing wrong with her.
The lies that flow out of her mouth,
Just as fast as blood flows through veins.

The last two lines do not seem to fit too well with the situation she's in, after people are speaking to her they then see she's lying? Perhaps say 'The lies that must flow from her mouth just as fast as the blood flows through her veins.' It also keeps it as relatable as it can with the character which you seem to strive for.

Maybe she is wrong, I would use 'or' rather than a comma personally. maybe shes (Apostrophe) making it all up,
She could be right, things could be wrong,
She could be in over her head, With what? Maybe tell us what she's over her head in, why is she lying? If she was simply given this by birthright she wouldn't feel over her head because she's always been that way.
It may all be a fantasy, the mistakes are a Don't need the 'a' fake.

Is she right, Comma is not needed or is she wrong?
Is everything okay, does she just not see the good? Make it easy, for example 'Is everything okay? Why won't she just see the good?
Can everything be true, can everything be broken? Can everything be true or is it all broken?
Or Not needed Is she blind, and cannot see her own perfection.

Is she blind? Can she not see her own perfection? Her own reflection?

Things could be worst to worse for her, so very worst, to so much worse?
She looks beyond the open wound,
The tears fall from her eyes, they drops to either; the drops stain her pillow or simply they stain her pillow.
Every tear, is a lie.(Comma isn't needed)
It's all pretend... a fairytale.

[xXxForbiddenLovexXx]

Thank you I personally thought I needed some help with this one, I'll correct the spelling and grammar errors and see if I can get it to flow better, thanks

[billy]

hey michelle,

if ever you want input on a poem just post it in the workshop and say how much help or what kind of help you're looking for.
just expect a few partial rewrites as examples of what people are trying to say.

i know the crit in this section of the forum can be daunting, just pick one or two points from what you get and work on them.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Thank you I personally thought I needed some help with this one, I'll correct the spelling and grammar errors and see if I can get it to flow better, thanks

I also wish to apologise on the front of critique. I am brutal and honest because it is what helps me and no doubt should be felt when I offer critique because it's just how I learn best. Billy does it to me and it offers me a great insight on my own work. Say the word and I'll be more tender, it's not a concern, your poem had all the theory and emotions in the right place I just am one for nit picking because it helps me. Well done for braving the serious critique section.

Literary Failure.

[xXxForbiddenLovexXx]

Haha, thank you. But don't be easy on my because I'm new to the site. I write on many other sites too