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Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2016
Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, wacko. You might consider changing "for you" to "you know" or something that would be a more natural lead-in to avoid the awkwardness of the inversion. You might also think about standard punctuation and capitalization of sentence starts, it might ease the read. Nice description of the ook, good last line.
(12-15-2016, 02:08 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Joined: Jun 2015
I like the idea.  With two little ones of my own I can definitely relate.
I'm not sure, but "drips that haven't come to rest" sounds (to me) like the whole line was thrown in just for the sake of the rhyme and seems a tad redundant to me. I love the last line, it changes the tone of the poem from sort of sad to funny.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.
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I love reading about others dealing with raising children
(12-15-2016, 02:08 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matteri think this is more for rhyme than substance because it seems to be the whole matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning headI like these two lines standing alone because you're talking about yourself without the 'i'
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
My wife would always worry if the crying or puking is developing sickness so I don't understand why you're not wondering anymore, just exhaustion keeping you on autopilot?
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 17
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(12-15-2016, 11:31 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: I love reading about others dealing with raising children
(12-15-2016, 02:08 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matteri think this is more for rhyme than substance because it seems to be the whole matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning headI like these two lines standing alone because you're talking about yourself without the 'i'
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
My wife would always worry if the crying or puking is developing sickness so I don't understand why you're not wondering anymore, just exhaustion keeping you on autopilot?
Yes, was actually trying for that feeling of total exhaustion, yet still realizing this is what you've signed up for. The "wondering"is if he's sick - which of course is answered when he pukes. thanks much for the feedback!
Posts: 28
Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2016
As a mom---I love it! I understand it....I have been there!
Honestly, it's refreshing to read a man's unique and humorous reflection on those instances in which mothers can feel quite alone in their role to sustain a little human...your poem reflects the reality of parenthood within those first months and years.
The mere juxtaposition of the title of your poem grabs the attention of the reader, and is carried throughout the poem.
Nice job :
I, personally, look forward to more parental poems from the father's perspective. 
Thanks for sharing!
(12-15-2016, 02:08 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime I understand why you use slime, but I don't think it fits in with the tone. I think a different word that conveys the same thing would work better.
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
Posts: 17
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2016
(01-04-2017, 10:33 AM)unc121 Wrote: LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime I understand why you use slime, but I don't think it fits in with the tone. I think a different word that conveys the same thing would work better.
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
thanks. i think you're spot on, needs a different word.
Your use of rhyme creates an easy-reading experience, but it's often at the expense of meaning & appropriate vocabulary - for example, 'drips that haven't come to rest' is filler that doesn't contribute to the topic of your poem, and 'slime' might not be the best image for vomit. There's also a contrast between the negative tone of your poem, and the goal of 'humorous poetry' that you have in mind. Without the use of rhyme, and punchline in the last stanza, your poem seems to be a dreary account of fatherhood, containing mostly negative imagery. Your vocabulary is always correct in terms of its literal or primary meaning (denotation,) but is often out of place when it comes to the ideas or feelings that a word invokes (connotation.) For example, the word 'numb' has apathetic, uncaring connotations, directly contrasting the idea provided by 'for you, i'll be here every time.' It's the little things like these that make or break a poem, and in your revision and further writing, I encourage you to focus more on the tone that you want to create, and make vocabulary choices that match.
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Joined: May 2017
Overall, the humor angle works well. I agree with many of the other comments that given it's a humor / cute / loving piece that some of the wording can be more in line with that objective.
But ... I am thinking you have it in you to make those adjustments.
By the way, the words "Love and Puke" have different meanings for me. Whenever, I lay the sweet nothings on too thickly, my wife exclaims "Puke"!!
Posts: 19
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2017
I think is poem very nicely couples the nightmares of having a child with the delights of being a parent, and the love that comes with it. In terms of the structuring and a few words, I would definately advise that some changes be made.
Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
LOVE AND PUKE-[I suggest that a less informal term for the word 'puke' be employed.]
Warm and wetNice alliteration here. Of course, not only puke is warm and wet, so it creates a more open range of interpretations.
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to restYou do a great job of giving life to the flowing substance, but 'haven't' seems to convey an eternally dripping chest. I suggest that 'don't' be employed instead.
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every timeIt would look a lot nicer if 'For you' were placed on this line. I find the two word line slightly awkward.
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed I think the first word of this sentence should tie with the first word of the previous sentence, by sharing the same number of syllables as well as the same beginning letter. Maybe 'perish' would be more effective.
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stickIs this a double entendre? It seems to refer to the quite literal 'stick' that a puke covered chest would cause when in contact with another one. If it is, it is a very smooth final joke.
[/quote]
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(12-15-2016, 02:08 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Hi all,
I've been trying to turn the angst of fatherhood into some humorous poetry... hopefully. Still very novice, but please feel free to hammer on this. I'd appreciate the feedback/thoughts.
Hi heasa,
It is easy to crit work like this one on purely poetic grounds and I would usually leave it to to others who see and feel a commonality with the the character ...trouble is, I feel that this is veracity verse, where the character and the writer are one and the same. For this reason I am going have a go at the poem in isolation. I noted that another crit began with "As a mom ...I love it!"; which begs a question. Oh, I am not a mom, so:
LOVE AND PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matterI know this is funny. I know it rhymes. I know it scans...so all's well? No, not really. First off, the capitalising of each line is pseudo-poetic and an anachronism. Why do it? Well, I guess that the last poem you read was at school and the last poet was probaby 19th. century. Though not everyone agrees, the practice is outmoded and only confuses. Next, but only a nit, by leaving the opener unqualified subject-wise you risk weakening the whole stanza...and the unrelated "it" is the concommitent result. We are not told what is warm and wet, we wait to find out, only to be told that whatever is warm and wet is but an "it". Yes, yes...I KNOW the title tells BUT it gets worse in the description department....slime cometh.
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime...slime in time saves rhyme...it is forced.
For you
I'll be here every time I am not always averse to no punctuation...it can work but not here. Not in a no scan, over-capitalised and randomly enjambed piece. You need some mortar to hold the bricks together. Don't get me wrong, it is STILL a fun read. This about structure not content.
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick Same applies but cute ending It is good...but can you write another poem or is this a one-off? It should be in the fun forum. Just say the word and I will move it.
Best,
tectak
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Joined: May 2017
I love the concept! My biggest critique would be that due to your want for rhyme some of the lines are weak. I like the rhyming and it makes for a lot of great lines, but on the same note, it creates some weaker ones. There has to be give and take. Even if you have a strong line, if you can't come up with a reasonable rhyming line, maybe you should let it go.
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest i feel it here
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick side note, this line seems to contain to many syllables for a smooth flow
I hug you close
And feel us stick as well as here
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I love this because it boarders on raunchy (to me!). I do not know if others see it. It is a great euphemism (although puke in itself is nasty too, right?!?). I wouldn't change a thing. I wish I could actually expand it and expand it and expand it some more. So here is my addition for now:
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
Peel you away when you tick
Heave, heave breath
A ball of curst specklets in between the pain
We were one while kingdom come again
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Sorry, I didn't read the fatherhood part...I would not had seen it in the light that I saw it in if I had 
Does anyone else see it?
----
But I'd change sick and stick (for the effect of sick in love)
So,
No more wondering if you'd stick
I hug you close
And feel us sick
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Threads: 1,075
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the poem carries the meaning in a fun way as you intended so success there. the [for you line doesn't work well enough to keep, needs some working on. the last line about sums up the love; an enjoyable little read.
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Hi All,
Wanted to sincerely thank everyone for the great feedback. I've actually composed close to 100 of these (probably should call them pseudo poems - or in my case, "pop poems") and I was actually able to sell the book to Running Press. Obviously, its gonna fall under the humor/gift book category - but "Stark Raving Dad" will come out Father's Day 2019!!
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This is actually quite funny to me. It reminds me of when I saw my cousin puke on my uncle and I was freaking out and he just grabbed a towel. It could be that I dont understand being a parent, but saying you are too numb for it to matter in a poem about loving your child seems odd to me. I guess you could be numb to the puke though. I had fun reading it, and since that was what you were going for, GOOD JOB!
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This poem is just spot on. To me, it effectively conveyed that fatherhood can be fun. It feels light and positive and cheerful.
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