Getting Over You

[hestavi]

You turned the doorknob
to my hollow existence
years ago,
plastering my collapsing walls
with clusters of dark verse.
 
An uninvited guest,
you turned a visit into a vacation,
smirking at the growing crevices in the ceiling
muffled sounds at night
growing into feral screams.
 
You reveled in turning off the lamps,
especially,
the flickering ones.
 
Day in and day out I purged your messes
changed the locks.
turned on the lights
one at a time.
 
Now the walls are speckless
the noises have faded
my house feels anew
I got over your visit
I got over
you.

Notice:  All members are asked to post feedback before posting your own poetry in any of the workshops.   Please catch up.  --Quix/mod

[billy]

hi Hestavi. don't forget to leave some reasonable feedback elsewhere please.

you have some good lines , last two line in the 1st stanza, and more elsewhere. look out for cliche, they generally make poetry mundane and boring, [most will have already read the cliched line in other poems]

it's okay to leave a line hanging. if you remove the last you. the reader will still think it in their mind when they read the line above it.

spelling, [revelled] these things are the easiest to put right. i highlight the cliches or the parts that verge on cliche. all in all a good solid effort that you can improve on with a few edits.

You turned the doorknob
to my hollow existence
years ago,
plastering my collapsing walls
with clusters of dark verse.
 
An uninvited guest,
you turned a visit into a vacation,
smirking at the growing crevices in the ceiling
muffled sounds at night
growing into feral screams.
 
You reveled in turning off the lamps,
especially,
the flickering ones.
 
Day in and day out I purged your messes
changed the locks.
turned on the lights
one at a time.
 
Now the walls are speckless
the noises have faded
my house feels anew
I got over your visit
I got over
you.

[P3t3rW1ll14m]

Hey Hastavi, upon first reading this poem, I thought of the uninvited guest as someone entering a nice place and then wrecking it. After reading a few more times, I understood it to be that the house or hollow existence was already collapsing and falling apart so they in their extended stay and causing destruction was a catalyst to helping you get better. At least that's how it made sense to me. You have a good theme and some nice metaphors, I would consider playing around with some more construction type metaphors and see if something else feels like it would fit better.

Hope that helps!