Just a taste

[Merrikay]

sip of symphony
thirst undone
searing taste to
tepid trained tongue
palette muted
everything grey
transparent relief
opaque daze

[rowens]

It has an affective, a multiply affective effect. The most problematic line is the best line : thirst undone : . It all makes sense in installments. I mean each line. Line by line, each line before and after has effect. But is there an overall effect? It's no bad thing to talk about what you were doing here. If you want to. I'm just reading all kinds of things out of it. I can imagine getting high on all sorts of stuff and going through the lines of this poem. It seems like that sort of course.

[Merrikay]

There is an idea behind it, someone's first (forbidden)sexual experience. I was really focusing on trying to turn it into a proper poem, with poetic devices and all that. I think I kind of lost where I was trying to go with the ending. I'm not sure what you mean by affective, mind explaining?

---

Sorry to double post, but you've got me wondering..why is "thirst undone" the best line?

[rowens]

I read it line by line, but not as a whole. I didn't get the overall gist. But reading each line, say the first with the second, the second with the first and the third, it was all real stimulating and thoughtful. Affective vaguely, but affective generally. And Thirst Undone, that second line makes me think of satisfaction. Hunger fulfilled. A burning sensation though, to a lukewarm, inexperienced tongue. Then everything's numb, grey, complex and unusual but obviously what a new or strange experience should be like. And opaque daze. It could be a first sexual experience, but it could be a drug or something else. Nothing in the poem hints toward sexual, unless you just think everything's sexual, which I do, but is beside the point here. I think it's easier to get to a drug theme in it than a sexual one.

[Merrikay]

Ah, you got to where I was trying to go with it and in a clearer thought process than I actually had. Too ambiguous, I guess. I'd like it to take some thought to get where you need to be, but I want you to actually get there. Thank you for the comments!

[rowens]

Some people would say it's too abstract. But I'm a champion of abstraction, and'll just say it's not a bad poem, but since it lacks context, context you as the author of it specifically wants it to have, it ultimately comes off worse than it is.

[Merrikay]

Makes sense, I'll try to address that issue in my edit.

[Coquette16]

sip of symphony
thirst undone
searing taste to
tepid trained tongue
palette muted
everything grey
transparent relief
opaque daze

Merrikay,
I love your imagery....the integration of artistic images, in particular. As I follow through the poem, I was conflicted with if the thirst being quenched was pleasing to the speaker, or simply mediocre...

The words "symphony" and "thirst undone" and "relief" are certainly more satisfying subjects than "searing", "muted", "grey", "transparent" and "opaque"...is this purposeful? If the idea is to tantalize the reader with a brief interlude of the first two lines and then digress to the last line, then the contrasting images are successful. 

Interesting that the poem begins with a symphony and ends in a daze...quite a unique twist, but for coherence, the theme should remain within the arts.

Nice little poem
-Coquette

[MadelineAnne]

since it lacks context, context you as the author of it specifically wants it to have, it ultimately comes off worse than it is.

You could change your title to remedy this.

[HopeVictoria56]

sip of symphony
thirst undone
searing taste to
tepid trained tongue
palette muted
everything grey
transparent relief
opaque daze

It reads as you could be getting high on anything.  After I read the comments, I realized that it was a sexual experience.  After I got that, I went back to read again and came out with that you wanted it badly and finally experienced it with a person that had more experience than you, but that you didn't enjoy it as much as you thought.  I say that because of "transparent release" and "opaque daze".... just seems like you built it up in your mind and then it ended up not satisfying you.  That may or may not have been your intention with this one?  I do very much like it though. I keep going back to read it.  Please edit and so then we can read and re-read it again!

[j56]

I like your poem - the syntax is very agreeable. I would say that it is possible too vague - it is good that the specific subject matter is ambiguous but perhaps there could be more clues?

[Myotis]

sip of symphony
thirst undone  
searing taste to
tepid trained tongue
palette muted
everything grey
transparent relief
opaque daze

I very much enjoyed the flow of this poem. It inspired me to make a separate translation at what you were trying to say. Not sure if I really understood it the way it was meant to be, but this is how I interpreted it. 
Closer to God
Temptation unbound
Spicy hot 
To the inexperienced
Flavor overwhelmed
All is bland
Alleviating clarity
Blurred Trance

Keep it up

[Merrikay]

Thank you Coquette. No, the contrast wasn't intentional. I'm learning so much by reading the feedback, and looking at my work in ways I never would have on my own. Lot of food for thought.

Thank you MadelineAnne, I'm horrible with titles! I really need to try to put more thought into them, so I think I'll be taking your suggestion.