Once Upon A Wi-fi edit

[CRNDLSM]

Edit

Once upon a wi-fi, 
I spied the whole world wide,
misadventures in the night.
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry,
windows opened, people tried to fly.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpens a knife.
Naive? Sigh...
another murder-suicide.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner, getting high.
Brains fried, 
nowhere to hide.
Desensitized, I'm not surprised.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied while two ships collided.
I'll never know why
everybody's gotta die!


Original

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied the whole world wide,
terrorism every night.
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry,
windows opened, people tried to fly.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpened the knife.
Naive? sigh...
Another murder suicide.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner getting high.
Brains fried,
nowhere to hide,
all he was will be denied.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied two ships collide.
I'll never know why
everybody's gonna die.

[just mercedes]

Cool monorhyme! Will return with something to say.

[UselessBlueprint]

Once upon a WiFi,
I spied, the whole world wide, (why the first comma?)
terrorism every night. (starting the line with 'terrorism' felt odd - not in a good way. It left a bad taste)
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry,
windows opened (AH!! There's no rhyme here! How could you?!)
and people tried to fly.

Once upon a WiFi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpened the knife.
Naive? sigh...
Another murder suicide.

Once upon a WiFi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner getting high.
Brains fried,
nowhere to hide
on beyond the great divide. (And this line broke everything good you had going. Really, a fair piece, but this line felt so cliché that it hurt)

Once upon a WiFi,
I spied two ships collide.
I'll never know why
everybody's gonna die.

Once upon a wifi... (oh, the inconsistency)

I enjoyed reading this piece, yet a part of me hates what it is. First, the inconsistency. Wi-Fi, WiFi, wifi. Do you see what I mean? It's distracting. Beyond that, even including the line felt silly, but forgivable. Silly is okay, I suppose, but I'm not able to take anything out of this but a whimsical story as a result. One line missed a rhyme, of course. No good reason for that line to lack it. I suggest altering that line significantly.
Now, either I missed the premise set by the title lines, or the execution of that premise (as I see it) failed almost entirely. I am not sure which is the case here. I'll be pondering this for a little while, and may have more to say.

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks useless, I know the great divide is clichéd, but I've only heard it in a phish song and thought it made sense. I can change it.

[kolemath]

i like the poem. it somehow connects old and new story telling.  I could use some clarification on a few images. 

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied the whole world wide, effective inversion
terrorism every night. yeah terrorism is cliche. what does it look like?
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry, it seems to me they swelled. halliburton?
windows opened, people tried to fly. this works

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpened the knife. i infer 'his' is not referring to the private eye? but that's the only other noun in the stanza.. how many ppl are referred to here? 1, an investigator 2&3 husband/wife?
Naive? sigh...
Another murder suicide. hyphenate these words

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner getting high.
Brains fried,
nowhere to hide,
all he was will be denied. not sure what this line adds..maybe i'm missing something

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied two ships collide.
I'll never know why
everybody's gonna die. maybe gotta instead of gonna..that fits the murder theme better

thanks for posting

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks kolemath!  terrorism is cliche, I changed it to terrorism thinking that all the stanzas have to do with death and cover up.  and terrorism would be the defining example, related back to the question at the end about two ships (which I thougot might be more cliche.)  as far as the private eye, I didn't think specifics mattered, almost make it ironic.  I see terrorism needs to be changed.  I'll figure it out!

i like the poem. it somehow connects old and new story telling.  I could use some clarification on a few images. 

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied the whole world wide, effective inversion
terrorism every night. yeah terrorism is cliche. what does it look like? 
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry, it seems to me they swelled. halliburton? I'm willing to clump in Halliburton with
windows opened, people tried to fly. this works

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpened the knife. i infer 'his' is not referring to the private eye? but that's the only other noun in the stanza.. how many ppl are referred to here? 1, an investigator 2&3 husband/wife?
Naive? sigh...
Another murder suicide. hyphenate these words

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner getting high.
Brains fried,
nowhere to hide,
all he was will be denied. not sure what this line adds..maybe i'm missing something

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied two ships collide.
I'll never know why
everybody's gonna die. maybe gotta instead of gonna..that fits the murder theme better

thanks for posting

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks people!

[MadelineAnne]

Hi CRNDLSM! I think you've done a nice job combining the rhymes to make such a consistent whole. Just a couple of things:

Edit

Once upon a wi-fi, 
I spied the whole world wide, I like the play on world wide web
business ventures in the night. "business ventures" is very technical sounding -- not the most beautiful part of the poem
When the flames touched the sky,
bank accounts went dry,
windows opened, people tried to fly. Good World Trade Center image

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a private eye
looking for an alibi.
His lonely wife sharpens a knife.
Naive? Sigh...
another murder-suicide.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied a spirit guide
in the corner, getting high.
Brains fried, 
nowhere to hide.
Desensitized, I'm not surprised.

Once upon a wi-fi,
I spied two ships collide. I think you have a tense inconsistency, because spied is past tense and collide is present tense.
I'll never know why
everybody's gotta die!

Enjoyed reading this!

Cheers

[CRNDLSM]

Solid catch! Quick edit...