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What do you want of me father?
You know, I'll never be like you.
Is that what you'd like?
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too?
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise
So pristinely white?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort?
The pick relies on what his cash buys.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.
You know, I'll never be like you.
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Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2016
Before I get down to the nitty-gritty of a critique, I just first wanted to send you a note about the message of your poem. Wow. I get it. Completely.
I envision a 20-something man who is perhaps doing what he has a passion for and/or is still finding his way, yet his father has always been and still is disappointed that his son is not making the big-bucks. The father, most likely, is...the son is most likely just getting by, but is a good person, has just what he needs. The father may not say outright that he's disappointed in his son, but keeps pulling him aside and making comments about a "stable future" and "standing on [your] own two feet"...
In fact, I think, rather than picking the poem apart...consider that my critique. If I am way off, well then maybe you have some more work to do! 
Keep at it!
-Coquette
quote='Jo Frumple' pid='220991' dateline='1479853481']
What do you want of me father?
You know, I'll never be like you.
Is that what you'd like?
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too?
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise
So pristinely white?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort?
The pick relies on what his cash buys.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.
You know, I'll never be like you.
[/quote]
Posts: 15
Threads: 2
Joined: Nov 2016
Coquette- Thank you so much for replying!!
Yes, that is the point of the poem. Pretty much just expressing a frustration towards a father's overemphasis of financial status and financial stability. Financial stability, imho, doesn't really exist. Thank you again for the critique!!!
~Jo
(11-23-2016, 07:24 AM)Jo Frumple Wrote: What do you want of me father?
You know, I'll never be like you.
Is that what you'd like?
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too?
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise
So pristinely white?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort?
The pick relies on what his cash buys.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.
You know, I'll never be like you.
It's good that the message is clear, and the writing easy to understand. Though I feel that for this sort of topic, you could add more emotion, use stronger words. It sounds a bit distant to me, not sufficiently personal.
Posts: 57
Threads: 9
Joined: Oct 2016
I might be hypocritically in saying this because a few of my poems have repetition in them. But I wonder whether you would consider taking out the line: "What do you want of me father?" except from the start as it seems to lose its impact as the poem goes on.
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
Posts: 129
Threads: 26
Joined: Nov 2016
Hi Jo,
A good write this.
(11-23-2016, 07:24 AM)Jo Frumple Wrote: What do you want of me father? The first line repeats in this poem work very well.
You know, I'll never be like you. ......conversational opening fits the subject
Is that what you'd like? ...............not sure about the question - not fair on a silent dad I think.
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too? I like the pointedness of this, but it does seem a bit preciouses of the child.
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise succinctly stated line
So pristinely white? ......race comment or an allusion to being the pillar of his community?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort? ...well said.
The pick relies on what his cash buys. excellent and stark observation.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet....................
I think you could do without this stanza. It breaks no new ground and ends on
a false statement. Good resides both in and outside of the wallet.
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.......I really dislike this line - far too precious
You know, I'll never be like you.....nice closing line
Posts: 15
Threads: 2
Joined: Nov 2016
RedBaron- True that! It certainly could be laced with much more emotion or bitterness or something! It does have a smidge of weariness to it, kind of a defeated "fine, you win" undertone. Thank you so much for the critique!
(11-26-2016, 12:10 PM)theredbaron Wrote: It's good that the message is clear, and the writing easy to understand. Though I feel that for this sort of topic, you could add more emotion, use stronger words. It sounds a bit distant to me, not sufficiently personal.
@Sparky
Hey! Thank you so much for writing back and giving some input!
Ok, so you do like the first line repeats? Because Mark Cecil says it's repetitive and I was wondering if he's right.. Then again, if I do take out the third stanza as you suggest (because it is unnecessary and that last line isn't true as you point out) then you only hear the line a total of three times which doesn't seem to be too much...
"Is that what you'd like?" Yes, this line is pretty inflammatory and accusatory, especially for the very beginning of the poem. But overall the poem is defensive and is written from the standpoint of someone who is being nagged/looked down on.
"So pristinely white" No, not a race comment. Although I did wonder and kind of figured that some would interpret it that way. I mean it to describe the preceding "guise". As in a guise that is pristinely white, as in flawless. The father maintains the appearance of being perfect and having a flawless (white) record.
I agree about the third stanza. Wasn't really great writing and so it kind of drags the poem down as uncalled for. And also true that good resides in and out of a wallet.
Yeah, that second to last line, I like it and it makes the poem sort of personal for me but overall it just feels really really out of place in the poem. I'll have to think up something else.....
Thank you very much for the critique! I'm glad you liked it and you were very helpful!! ^-^
~Jo
(11-27-2016, 01:39 AM)Sparkydashforth Wrote: Hi Jo,
A good write this.
(11-23-2016, 07:24 AM)Jo Frumple Wrote: What do you want of me father? The first line repeats in this poem work very well.
You know, I'll never be like you. ......conversational opening fits the subject
Is that what you'd like? ...............not sure about the question - not fair on a silent dad I think.
For a kid who'd be so quick to judge
To scrutinize and dissect all too? I like the pointedness of this, but it does seem a bit preciouses of the child.
What do you want of me father?
A wealth laden career and guise succinctly stated line
So pristinely white? ......race comment or an allusion to being the pillar of his community?
Perhaps a glib well-to-do consort? ...well said.
The pick relies on what his cash buys. excellent and stark observation.
What do you want of me father?
The dismal case prevails through it
No wealth no power
Will ever to you prove the verity
That good resides outside a wallet....................
I think you could do without this stanza. It breaks no new ground and ends on
a false statement. Good resides both in and outside of the wallet.
What do you want of me father?
I'll grow up and go on to do,
With all love in heart,
Searching truth, beauty, goodness for all.......I really dislike this line - far too precious
You know, I'll never be like you.....nice closing line
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