how it begins
#1
Edit 1

here's how it begins


a worm in my stomach imagined
as the sickness of green love,
a future descending too fast

you lag a moment behind and then

an unreturned message or a missed
appointment and then

are you a leaver my love? must be nice
to be the decider

must be nice
to be the winnower

must be grand
to govern the hammer

when the bewilderment arrives
you'll be on a plane outbound
and the only sound your leaving
will make is the simulated speech
of a call gone straight to voicemail



here's how it begins—

a worm in the stomach imagined
as the turbulence of green love
of a future descending too fast

he lags a moment behind and then

an unreturned message or a missed
appointment and then—

are you a leaver my love? must be nice
to be the decider

must be nice
to be the winnower

must be grand
to be god and father


when the bewilderment arrives
he'll be on a plane outbound
and the only sound his departure
will ever create is the simulated speech
of a call gone straight to voicemail
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#2
I like the cadence and sound of the poem. I think the title is weak. Titles with pronouns generally are. I can see the abandonment of the allusions to agriculture in the second half of the poem (moving to planes and tech (yeah, voicemail is mundane tech) paralleling his abandonment of it as well, but it reads sort of lazy to me.
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#3
(11-22-2016, 01:28 PM)lizziep Wrote:  Good write -

here's how it begins—

a worm in the stomach imagined.............like the gastric imagery
as the turbulence of green love ............yes, nicely said like the match of turbulence and green
of a future descending too fast.............the word 'descending' here is key...a falling or a fall

he lags a moment behind and then

an unreturned message or a missed
appointment and then—............................good use of a pause and then 'lags' hits the right note for his hesitancy.

are you a leaver my love? must be nice
to be the decider

must be nice
to be the winnower

must be grand
to be god and father.............like all the italic but last line feels a little over ripe.

when the bewilderment arrives
he'll be on a plane outbound
and the only sound his departure
will ever create is the simulated speech
of a call gone straight to voicemail....................clever. Good last line. Ends with a sharp note.
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#4
(11-23-2016, 02:10 AM)Pdeathstar Wrote:  I like the cadence and sound of the poem. I think the title is weak. Titles with pronouns generally are.  I can see the abandonment of the allusions to agriculture in the second half of the poem (moving to planes and tech (yeah, voicemail is mundane tech) paralleling his abandonment of it as well, but it reads sort of lazy to me.

Can you tell me what seems lazy to you, other than the title? I grant you the title could be better.

I'm curious where you see agricultural references, aside from my avatar. Tongue
'Green' here means new love. The worm is the queasiness that's the first sign that something's gone wrong.

Voicemail is mundane....maybe. I'll think on it.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, Deathstar.

(11-23-2016, 02:16 AM)Sparkydashforth Wrote:  
(11-22-2016, 01:28 PM)lizziep Wrote:  Good write -

here's how it begins—

a worm in the stomach imagined.............like the gastric imagery
as the turbulence of green love ............yes, nicely said like the match of turbulence and green
of a future descending too fast.............the word 'descending' here is key...a falling or a fall

he lags a moment behind and then

an unreturned message or a missed
appointment and then—............................good use of a pause and then 'lags' hits the right note for his hesitancy.

are you a leaver my love? must be nice
to be the decider

must be nice
to be the winnower

must be grand
to be god and father.............like all the italic but last line feels a little over ripe.

when the bewilderment arrives
he'll be on a plane outbound
and the only sound his departure
will ever create is the simulated speech
of a call gone straight to voicemail....................clever. Good last line. Ends with a sharp note.

Hi Sparky! Thanks for your input. I wasn't sure how many times I should use that repetition in the middle bit, so I'll cut that last one that feels too much. Thanks for calling that out.
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#5
You've got green, a worm, a winnower.... There's enough there to make an agriculture reference... I am talking about the transition between the two halves of the poem.... Maybe it seemed lazy to me because that wasn't your intent.... I know what you meant them to be, I thought perhaps you were attempting a metaphor...
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#6
(11-23-2016, 04:11 AM)Pdeathstar Wrote:  You've got green, a worm, a winnower.... There's enough there to make an agriculture reference... I am talking about the transition between the two halves of the poem.... Maybe it seemed lazy to me because that wasn't your intent.... I know what you meant them to be, I thought perhaps you were attempting a metaphor...

Thanks for responding deathstar. Yes, I can see what you mean now. I was thinking more of a parasitic worm (I suppose tequila worm would work too), and the winnower idea was connected to the god the father reference. Do these elements work? That has yet to be determined.

It's impossible for me to know how others are going to read something and what they'll see as distracting or helpful -- I wouldn't be so quick to attribute this to laziness. That's what the workshopping process is for, so that I can see the poem through others' eyes.
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#7
I meant more like lazy eye and less like lazy pig...
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#8
(11-22-2016, 01:28 PM)lizziep Wrote:  here's how it begins—

a worm in the stomach imagined
as the turbulence of green love .... something other than turbulence for me to go with the worm. Sickness? O rose thou art sick
of a future descending too fast..... of and of? Comma preceding line and no off here

he lags a moment behind and then....the 'he' is confusing made me think subject of preceding lines

an unreturned message or a missed
appointment and then—

are you a leaver my love? must be nice
to be the decider

must be nice
to be the winnower.....nice

must be grand
to be god and father.......so this is being thought by the woman. So the prior ''he' was the object in a way grrrrr


when the bewilderment arrives
he'll be on a plane outbound
and the only sound his departure
will ever create is the simulated speech .... 'the only sound of leaving, simulated speech / of a etc'
of a call gone straight to voicemail

I'm a bit unclear on the story. Did he leave her? Or was she just worrying?
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#9
(11-23-2016, 04:49 AM)Pdeathstar Wrote:  I meant more like lazy eye and less like lazy pig...

Omg, Deathstar -- you're funny.  Hysterical

I understand now. Thumbsup

(11-23-2016, 04:53 AM)Achebe Wrote:  
(11-22-2016, 01:28 PM)lizziep Wrote:  here's how it begins—

a worm in the stomach imagined
as the turbulence of green love .... something other than turbulence for me to go with the worm. Sickness? O rose thou art sick -- I thought of turbulence to play off the airplane in the last stanza, but sickness does work better. I originally had queasiness, but sickness is stronger.
of a future descending too fast..... of and of? Comma preceding line and no off here -- can I use a comma even though I'm forsaking most other punctuation? Isn't that distracting to the reader?

he lags a moment behind and then....the 'he' is confusing made me think subject of preceding lines -- I couldn't figure out what voice to write this in -- I changed my mind so many times. I think I'll go with my/you, because someone else pointed out that it seemed unnecessarily gendered.

an unreturned message or a missed
appointment and then—

are you a leaver my love? must be nice
to be the decider

must be nice
to be the winnower.....nice

must be grand
to be god and father.......so this is being thought by the woman. So the prior ''he' was the object in a way grrrrr -- Yes, it's the internal monologue. Whatever is with me and the persistent voice issues. Sorry. Confused


when the bewilderment arrives
he'll be on a plane outbound
and the only sound his departure
will ever create is the simulated speech .... 'the only sound of leaving, simulated speech / of a etc'
of a call gone straight to voicemail

I'm a bit unclear on the story. Did he leave her? Or was she just worrying? -- It could work either way -- could be the final break between a couple or a sudden departure of one party with no warning. I'm ok with it working either way if you are.
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