Brainwaves
#1
Open the shutters girl,
you got them Calvins on,

I put the album on,

with slow and melodic songs.

Kissing like nothing happened,

months from now we’re in Bahamas laughing,

smoking fat cigars until our hearts are blackened. 

Our broken love we trashed it,

crumpled up like dated almanacs,

the past the urn to hold our ashes. 

Cashed it out after it starting crashing,

we crumbled couldn’t cope the cracking,

taking tacit tests and, 
passing off passive passion.
"Poor old Dali loped with an amazin' raging cyst, as poor Roald Dahl eloped with Anna-May's enraging sisters."- Steven F Smith

@Alex_Robertson6
http://tosurvivemetropolis.tumblr.com
#2
(11-22-2016, 12:27 AM)AlexSharp Wrote:  A fine write.


Open the shutters girl,
you got them Calvins on,
...........strong line, I am placed inside the poem immediately
I put the album on,

with slow and melodic songs.
...............I think these two lines could be compressed.
Kissing like nothing happened,
..........................I get this. Post passionate moment.
months from now we’re in Bahamas laughing,
....................clever switch of scene.
smoking fat cigars until our hearts are blackened. ...............like this imagery

Our broken love we trashed it,
.....................nice inversion
crumpled up like dated almanacs,
...............not sure if the image works....feels a bit of a cliché.
the past the urn to hold our ashes. ...............a wee bit melodramatic

Cashed it out after it starting crashing,

we crumbled couldn’t cope the cracking,.......nice snappy sonics

taking tacit tests and, 
passing off passive passion...........................last line falls flat for me.
#3
thread closed, please read the rules.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips





Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!