Solar Exposure

[zorcas]

Why write glowingly
of the sun’s
rising and setting
as if that fiery orb
arrives with blessings
of light and warmth
then shyly leaves us
a cool night’s sleep
before its next
appearance?
 
Why flatter this
burning malevolence
which would have
destroyed us
had not the world
aware of its
mindless scorching
decided the sun
might have its place
but not in our lives?
 
Only earth’s instincts
spared us a planet
whose halves
might have been
a red furnace
and
blue white ice.
 
But the sun
 neither rises nor sets.
Instead it shines
for a time
before being
shouldered away
to warm and brighten
those farther
around the curve.
 
Mankind’s
good fortune
was habitable David
outfoxing
 incinerator Goliath
by assuring the world turns
so little freezes or burns.
 
Rid of romantic notions
about sunrise and sunset
should we not love
our dawn and dusk
for what they really are?

[Achebe]

hi zorcas - this is not a line by line crit as I don't think there's enough in the poem to warrant one. Just a couple of thoughts:

1. The line breaks are arbitrary - they don't correspond to natural pauses when reading the poem out loud
2. The poem is admirably clear, but it's just plain speech - there's nothing that stands out to the eye or the ear. It's essentially a few long sentences arranged vertically rather than horizontally. In other words, there's nothing poetic about it. And the content is also rather simple, essentially 'don't praise the sun for bringing warmth because it's really a matter of where the earth sits in relation to it, and besides, it's not really alive.'

[zorcas]

hi zorcas - this is not a line by line crit as I don't think there's enough in the poem to warrant one. Just a couple of thoughts:

1. The line breaks are arbitrary - they don't correspond to natural pauses when reading the poem out loud
2. The poem is admirably clear, but it's just plain speech - there's nothing that stands out to the eye or the ear. It's essentially a few long sentences arranged vertically rather than horizontally. In other words, there's nothing poetic about it.  And the content is also rather simple, essentially 'don't praise the sun for bringing warmth because it's really a matter of where the earth sits in relation to it, and besides, it's not really alive.'

Got it and you're right. Still working to learn the difference between a poem and a non-poem since I see so many slices of life/personal stories which seem like slightly fancified prose.

[Sparkydashforth]

Interesting take on the solar subject. Sun both as a killer and gardener.
The problem (for me) with the work is that it is a dialogue with a hypothetical protagonist.
An argument with a reader who perhaps would not ague your essential premise.
In short it is Telling, with very little Showing.
Being basically none visual it feels like you are just airing a point of view.
Imagery could have taken it out of the Telling mode, and introduced visual
metaphors that could have deepened the muse.
Lastly, I would rather allow a poem to end with a question more than a conclusion,
for that lends me space to ruminate over the way I feel about a certain matter,
and how that impacts upon me as an insight.

[rollingbrianjones]

Why write glowingly
of the sun’s
rising and setting
as if that fiery orb
arrives with blessings
of light and warmth
then shyly leaves us
a cool night’s sleep
before its next
appearance?
 
Why flatter this
burning malevolence
which would have
destroyed us
had not the world
aware of its
mindless scorching
decided the sun
might have its place
but not in our lives?
 
Only earth’s instincts
spared us a planet
whose halves
might have been
a red furnace
and
blue white ice.
 
But the sun
 neither rises nor sets.
Instead it shines
for a time
before being
shouldered away
to warm and brighten
those farther
around the curve.
 
Mankind’s
good fortune
was habitable David
outfoxing
 incinerator Goliath
by assuring the world turns
so little freezes or burns.
 
Rid of romantic notions
about sunrise and sunset
should we not love
our dawn and dusk
for what they really are?

In terms of a line by line, I won't as I feel you get across meaningfully enough what you want to say. Could you rewrite and improve some lines when read aloud? Perhaps... But my main feeling reading this is that I'm being told something, rather than pushed into thought about something. Nothing wrong with that, but with this particular subject, the poem needs to be more thought provoking, less direct (unless there is something I am really missing!).

I mean, do you take this poem's message as Gospel? Or have you just written as such? I think you are addressing a subject that cannot be certified by anyone- the sun's warmth and blessing for example, really is actually what keeps us alive... And has the earth's "instincts" spared us?Is the case with every planet? I do not think so- the sun is the centre of it all, hence the obsession and romanticism of it that you mention. The earth as such, does not outfox the sun... it is compelled to spin by external forces. But not going into science

An easy read, but maybe more questions asked or thoughts provoked could improve it.

RBJ

[Alic Elliot]

Hey zorcas!

A few points:

All of your stanzas are run-ons, seeming more like ramblings of a mad man, instead of de-romanticization of the sun. Furthermore, S2 seems entirely unneeded. All it does is enforce the notion that the sun is infact dangerous. It doesn't even tie to S3. Maybe replace it with a stanza talking about how earth knows the sun is evil/dangerous, and knows what to do about it, or just scratch the stanza entirely.

Best, Alic.

[zorcas]

Why write glowingly
of the sun’s
rising and setting
as if that fiery orb
arrives with blessings
of light and warmth
then shyly leaves us
a cool night’s sleep
before its next
appearance?
 
Why flatter this
burning malevolence
which would have
destroyed us
had not the world
aware of its
mindless scorching
decided the sun
might have its place
but not in our lives?
 
Only earth’s instincts
spared us a planet
whose halves
might have been
a red furnace
and
blue white ice.
 
But the sun
 neither rises nor sets.
Instead it shines
for a time
before being
shouldered away
to warm and brighten
those farther
around the curve.
 
Mankind’s
good fortune
was habitable David
outfoxing
 incinerator Goliath
by assuring the world turns
so little freezes or burns.
 
Rid of romantic notions
about sunrise and sunset
should we not love
our dawn and dusk
for what they really are?

In terms of a line by line, I won't as I feel you get across meaningfully enough what you want to say. Could you rewrite and improve some lines when read aloud? Perhaps... But my main feeling reading this is that I'm being told something, rather than pushed into thought about something. Nothing wrong with that, but with this particular subject, the poem needs to be more thought provoking, less direct (unless there is something I am really missing!).

I mean, do you take this poem's message as Gospel? Or have you just written as such? I think you are addressing a subject that cannot be certified by anyone- the sun's warmth and blessing for example, really is actually what keeps us alive... And has the earth's "instincts" spared us?Is the case with every planet? I do not think so- the sun is the centre of it all, hence the obsession and romanticism of it that you mention. The earth as such, does not outfox the sun... it is compelled to spin by external forces. But not going into science

An easy read, but maybe more questions asked or thoughts provoked could improve it.

RBJ

Good points. This was done as a contrarian brain jiggler but it does seem that poetry, at least these days, has to have a certain graivitas  to be acceptable. Would modify the thing if there were a venue for it, but thanks for the thoughts which are very useful otherwise.