Babal

[RiverNotch]

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

--my mother
and father plagued me
when they raised me.
Or rather blessed:

the knowledge of old age
confused youth's understanding. 
Yet have I grown enough to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on Pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan Avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell. The King and Queen of Corinth
were far from old when they raised me,

Teiresias the sex-changing cataract no man
but child: Plato did speak truth
when he said fleshly woman is a child.
Dare I subscribe? You know how tragedy works:

I am become an Indio Abelard,
grafted to cursed flesh, to shattered stone,
and you remain afloat, a child of God,
a blinding angel, mute and genderless.

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread
(like pâté) men across the earth.

Fourth workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

--my mother
and my father plagued me
when they raised me.
Or rather blessed,

how the knowledge of old age
confused youth's understanding. 
Yet have I grown enough to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan Avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell. The King and Queen of Corinth
were far from old when they raised me,

Teiresias the sex-changing cataract no man
but child: Plato did speak truth
when he said fleshly woman is a child.
Dare I subscribe? You know how tragedy works:

I am become an Indio Abelard,
grafted to cursed flesh, to shattered stone,
and you remain afloat, a child of God,
a blinding angel, mute and genderless.

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

Third workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
how the knowledge of old age

confused youth's understanding. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe these calluses born of school
with balm, that I should judge? to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Second workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

First workshop edit:

Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.[pre verse]

Earlier drafts, with the corresponding edits having been cosmetic.
[pre verse]Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

coexisted with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm? To shave this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their God-hated maker not a man
but a child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

[Lizzie]

RiverNotch: this piece is very dense, and I'd love to give it a proper critique sometime if you felt like putting it in the workshop.

At the very least, please remind me of what plato said about women/children?

[RiverNotch]

RiverNotch: this piece is very dense, and I'd love to give it a proper critique sometime if you felt like putting it in the workshop.

At the very least, please remind me of what plato said about women/children?

Ideally, Plato wasn't sexist, but when discussing things practically, he may have been swayed by the tide -- Ancient Athens treated women essentially as baby-making children, depriving them of the citizenry and cloistering them, post-natum, with the loom. http://www.classicsnetwork.com/essays/th...to-and/786

And as for putting it in a workshop, I was planning to do that after receiving a few more responses in here, with regards to whether it's even readable. Thanks for reading!

[Lizzie]

RiverNotch: this piece is very dense, and I'd love to give it a proper critique sometime if you felt like putting it in the workshop.

At the very least, please remind me of what plato said about women/children?

Ideally, Plato wasn't sexist, but when discussing things practically, he may have been swayed by the tide -- Ancient Athens treated women essentially as baby-making children, depriving them of the citizenry and cloistering them, post-natum, with the loom. http://www.classicsnetwork.com/essays/th...to-and/786

And as for putting it in a workshop, I was planning to do that after receiving a few more responses in here, with regards to whether it's even readable. Thanks for reading!

Haha, readable? No, but only because I'm an illiterate. I had to google every other word. But, they're great words -- they're the best words. Far better than Donald's words (Trump, not Q).

[RiverNotch]

....Then perhaps I need the workshop more than ever. Please, site admins and moderators and whatever, transfer me!

---

Thanks, site admins and moderators and whatever! (specifically Quix)

[Quixilated]

Any time, River.  Happy workshopping!
--Quix

[Todd]

I realize this isn't a complete critique by any means but don't you mean Babylon in line 1? Babalon I'm told (by Google) is a Crowley goddess in his writings I assume you're referring though to the nation. I'm reading through this now and will attempt a full critique later.

[RiverNotch]

I always assumed Crowley's goddess was in essence his version of the whore of Babylon, thus my semi-intentional confusing of them above, with the additional meaning (but now involving retroactive research) informing the section title and the piece as a whole. But it could also be a stretch -- the prime motive for such change was I think just sound, babalon sounding that much more babyish than babylon.

[Todd]

I always assumed Crowley's goddess was in essence his version of the whore of Babylon, thus my semi-intentional confusing of them above, with the additional meaning (but now involving retroactive research) informing the section title and the piece as a whole. But it could also be a stretch -- the prime motive for such change was I think just sound, babalon sounding that much more babyish than babylon.

I did actually consider that you might have chosen it for sound--especially considering your previous title.

[Todd]

Hi River, this is a dense poem. When I come to something like this my first impulse is to interpret before I attempt to suggest much in the way of alterations. It is interesting enough to make the attempt. Here goes.

Soulmate

for Kim--So with the current title and this dedication I first think that the speaker is describing their soulmate possibly this Kim. That said, when I consider the previous title babel and the opening in Babylon I'm drawn to the Tower of Babel and the idea that there is a loss of ability to communicate and connect. Now nothing will be impossible for them changes to now everything will be impossible for them. So perhaps the poem will leave me with confusion rather than clarity or perhaps it is the soulmates themselves that struggle with confusion and have barriers between them.

1 - Mother Earth--Mother Earth might imply a common universal basis for existence. A state when all was at peace. Then we move through a litany of conquest.
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues--Babylon is presented as the one accumulating these disciplines and cultures to itself and I can accept that as a conceit for drawing back to Babel. Not that it matters much but it's slightly misleading historically--Babylon/Egypt check. Babylon/Israel I think was next. Babylon/Greece was technically Greece conquering Persia (Cyrus I think though it might have been the Medes at that point) with Alexander. If anything Greece appropriated all of this. My history may be off. It doesn't detract though. It just makes me wonder if your choices need it to tie back to Babel or if you are trying to do more with the arrangment.
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat--I'm not sure why you used the other language S, but it's subtle and sort of interesting. I've never seen Shibboleth without an h. Is that a regional spelling? I love the use of meat and how you tie it in to the three philosophers below...The first two we deal with the idea or the one and than the less idealized world we live in. The last one as a gnostic I'm guessing vilified the flesh and body as evil (I'm not as familiar with him specifically but I do recognize the name as an early christian/gnostic).

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got--Interesting use of their philosophies. Promised the untouchable ideal and receiving much less.
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.--This is a great word to break on and start the next line with my mother. Love that (well not too much shouldn't get Oedipal about it).

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age--This needs to be smoothed out a bit. It feels awkwardly phrased.

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown--same with this phrasing first strophe line to youth.
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse--hircine gives a nice visual.

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue--Again more conquest implied by the beard. Likely more appropriation.
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico.--a personal shift for the speaker 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones--nice sibilance forshadowing the snake-like trumpet vines, the fall of man, and also maybe explaining why you dropped the h to maintain the sonics.
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows --beautiful line, and I like the idea of the same language being different. Maybe a reason to embrace the original title.
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat--overshorn, incomplete. A canon too compressed. Nice progression

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer--Like the parallel return to this line. You may not need the that.
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down--might be stronger without the "a"
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,--diabetic hell is a nice play on the sweetness above. I sort of get an Odin blinded for wisdom read in this.
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand--not sure about the leg being severed. I'm missing the reference diabetes could bring a removal of the foot. I'm also not sure who the Jewish doctor is. It does tie into S1 but it seems like you have someone in mind. Luke was a gentile even though he writes about the fall of Lucifer so I'm not sure who you have in mind.

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie--treats lost me.
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth--I wouldn't have followed this without the footnote. It would have simply been something that felt personal to the speaker and a bit inacessible. I'm not a fan of footnotes doing what poems cannot.

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?--so the babel has now turned toward gender ambiguity and questioning.

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.--and honestly I labored over the last part but it lost me.

That's my first pass at this. I don't know how much anything I said can be of use but hopefully it can.

Best,

Todd

[RiverNotch]

Many, many thanks!

for Kim--So with the current title and this dedication I first think that the speaker is describing their soulmate possibly this Kim. That said, when I consider the previous title babel and the opening in Babylon I'm drawn to the Tower of Babel and the idea that there is a loss of ability to communicate and connect. Now nothing will be impossible for them changes to now everything will be impossible for them. So perhaps the poem will leave me with confusion rather than clarity or perhaps it is the soulmates themselves that struggle with confusion and have barriers between them. 

The piece was catalyzed by the play "Boy" by Anna Ziegler, and this Kim was the one who invited me to it, as well as the sort-of addressed of the poem. I don't consider her a soulmate, and I was hoping it'd be clear enough that neither does the speaker -- but then again, that clarity I think should only come if the questioning in the penultimate stanza was to be treated not only literally, but also Gnostically. There is an idea I gleaned (possibly mangled) where each human soul is tied to a heavenly one, with the heavenly one being, by its heavenly nature, male, and the human one female, such that the speaker ultimately considers himself, still tied to this "accursed flesh", as woman, his idealized love, the "she with the ruddy hair", as man, and the addressed as already somehow united with her soulmate, somehow "genderless" -- rather, a "hermaphrodite". 

So back to the problem. Since it seems it's a bit susceptible to misinterpretation (I also intend to show this to her, as a token of appreciation), I might either return to the original title (although "soulmate" might explain a lot), or remove the dedication (although that would remove....the dedication). What do you think?

1 - Mother Earth--Mother Earth might imply a common universal basis for existence. A state when all was at peace. Then we move through a litany of conquest.

I never considered this as that much of a commentary on conquest, but I suppose it is. Thanks for broadening my horizons.

-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues--Babylon is presented as the one accumulating these disciplines and cultures to itself and I can accept that as a conceit for drawing back to Babel. Not that it matters much but it's slightly misleading historically--Babylon/Egypt check. Babylon/Israel I think was next. Babylon/Greece was technically Greece conquering Persia (Cyrus I think though it might have been the Medes at that point) with Alexander. If anything Greece appropriated all of this. My history may be off. It doesn't detract though. It just makes me wonder if your choices need it to tie back to Babel or if you are trying to do more with the arrangment.

I was treating Babylon/Babalon more eschatologically than historically, though -- the whole Whore of Babylon thing. I guess all I can do for this is hope no one treats this as historically.

are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat--I'm not sure why you used the other language S, but it's subtle and sort of interesting. I've never seen Shibboleth without an h. Is that a regional spelling? 

Actually, I didn't drop the h, at least to those who know what the character is supposed to sound like. That was the intention: to return Shibboleth into being a Shibboleth. 

I love the use of meat and how you tie it in to the three philosophers below...The first two we deal with the idea or the one and than the less idealized world we live in. The last one as a gnostic I'm guessing vilified the flesh and body as evil (I'm not as familiar with him specifically but I do recognize the name as an early christian/gnostic).

Funny note: I actually didn't know Plotinus' philosophies, at the time I wrote this. I knew Plato, I knew Valentinus, but not Plotinus -- he's just here as yet another playful jab at Yeats. As for the Gnostic thing, yeah, and it ends up being important.

were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.--This is a great word to break on and start the next line with my mother. Love that (well not too much shouldn't get Oedipal about it).



....Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age--This needs to be smoothed out a bit. It feels awkwardly phrased.
could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth....--same with this phrasing first strophe line to youth.

Agreed. I'm still looking for a way, though.

to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico.--a personal shift for the speaker 

I hope not too much. Noting the footnote, the addressed/dedicated to is from Ateneo, the speaker/writer is from UP, and the piece sort of plays into the stereotype of those at Ateneo being kinda bourgeois, and those at UP being kinda down-to-earth militant. We both came from the same high school, though, and thus....

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones--nice sibilance forshadowing the snake-like trumpet vines, the fall of man, and also maybe explaining why you dropped the h to maintain the sonics. 

Again, above. But here Mexico is considered a Shibboleth too, for more colonial reasons -- apparently the folks in Mexico usually can't say Mexico, only Mejico. So another colonialism jab -- and, if you've noticed, another tie of the section title to the last line of the preceding, with the very first title being tied to the very last line by "Earth".

are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows --beautiful line, and I like the idea of the same language being different. Maybe a reason to embrace the original title.

Ah, yes. And a note that the title really was "Babal", not "Babel", since "Babal" sounds far less sophisticated, as if it really could be a babe's first words. I think yeah, I might be convinced.

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer--Like the parallel return to this line. You may not need the that.
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down--might be stronger without the "a"

Perhaps, although from my reading the rhythm gets kinda shot, for both changes.

to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,--diabetic hell is a nice play on the sweetness above. I sort of get an Odin blinded for wisdom read in this.
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand--not sure about the leg being severed. I'm missing the reference diabetes could bring a removal of the foot. 

Really bad cases of diabetes can make its victims susceptible to gangrene, either by diluting sensation so that a serious wound would be found too late, or by weakening the immune system. My grandfather almost got his foot amputated because of it, but that detail is incidental.

I'm also not sure who the Jewish doctor is. It does tie into S1 but it seems like you have someone in mind. Luke was a gentile even though he writes about the fall of Lucifer so I'm not sure who you have in mind.

I didn't -- I only wanted it to tie to the first stanza. I think I'll just remove Jewish, then.

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie--treats lost me.

How? I was sort of expecting the loss would come from Ozy and Millie, since that really is hard to follow without knowing it, and it's not as all-known as a lot of other artifacts, but by treats? 

were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth--I wouldn't have followed this without the footnote. It would have simply been something that felt personal to the speaker and a bit inacessible. I'm not a fan of footnotes doing what poems cannot.

So as noted. I might have to look for something a bit more known, or at least "classical" -- say, Elagabalus, or, this time to refer to another written thing of mine, Teiresias. I must also note that this is one very self-referential piece -- "Slabs of meat glued to the bone", "After Ozy and Millie", that return to Yeats, roads, and "the golden shower tree and trumpet vine" -- my ultimate intention is to compile some sort of book.

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?--so the babel has now turned toward gender ambiguity and questioning.

Does it work, though, or is it a bit too unsmooth? Again, the issue at this point weighs more heavily on the whole soulmate/syzygy thing, as well as referring to another older piece of mine where the whole point was questioning gender. 

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.--and honestly I labored over the last part but it lost me.

Labored as in how connected it was, or labored as in it's confusing, or labored as in it sounds terrible? Or labored as in what Thoor is -- it's the anglicized spelling of the Irish word for tower. I was hoping the point would flower here, that being the whole separation of Man/Ideal from Woman/Physical being compared to the scattering of men and the breaking apart of nations due to God's whirlwind tendencies and man's imperial ones. Hmm....

I was also thinking that besides that sentence on old age/youth, the possible overuse of "yet" would be an issue, but since you didn't seem to notice it....

Many, many, many thanks! I'll change the title, plus try out the changes you suggested regarding Lucifer, and remove Jewish. Okay, I hope that didn't sound anti-semitic.

[Lizzie]

Hello River I've got some thoughts for you:

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects -- ok, the Babylon issue: I understand what you're saying about the sonics, and I entirely missed that element in my reading. Personally, I think you're better off going with Babylon if that's the reference, because I did Google Babalon when I initially read the piece, and yes it brings up a whole philosophical system. It seems that you want to reference certain parts of that philosophy and disregard others, understandable. Problem is that the reader is not going to know which parts you're choosing, necessarily. If you choose Babalon, you need to be sure that you're guiding the reader precisely to which parts you want to reference.
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas. -- I like this stanza. It's clear without being over-explicated. The contrast between a promise and reality is good.

2 - Grave Old Men -- I'd probably recommend italicizing your "chapter headings" or do something else to set them apart -- using the dash to separate tricks me sometimes into thinking that those bits are part of the sentence following.
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood -- from 'the fact that' to 'in my youth' is extremely prosey, and needs to be restructured. I don't think you need 'in my youth' at all -- it's clear you're talking about childhood because you have 'as they raised me.' Structurally, I think that the flaw comes from making 'fact' the subject instead of 'knowledge.'
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses -- the sudden introduction of the students into the mix (never to be referenced again) feels odd. I understand what you're saying about getting a collection of poems together, and it could work if there are other poems which feature that element of your life. From 'Yet' to 'balm' also reads like prose.
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico.  -- maybe between two colonies? I'd say my Philippines since you name Mexico.

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat -- this stanza is beautiful and rich in imagery. This is the second time that you've broken a stanza on 'meat' which makes that word stand out.

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded, -- why only one eye?
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand -- this line through 'tied shut' loses me.

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man -- I think you should be more clear about why she's "God-hated" because it could be concluded that she's hated because of being a woman not because of being trans.
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet, -- Like with my comments on Babalon at the beginning, you're bringing up a big concept and not specifying in which elements you think woman is a child. I'm sure that Plato had many reasons -- are they your reasons? As a grace to your reader, I would make that reference more clear and say precisely where you see those parallels and why. Otherwise, you're leaving it to the reader to assume things.
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless? -- I only understand these lines because of your response to Todd above.

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth. -- no idea.

---

I'd consider making this into an essay. Not because I think it would be a bad poem, but I think it's going to be harder to speak with specificity about these subjects in the context of a poem. But, who knows. That's just my take. Despite the dedication, the piece seems to be written to no one. It feels like a musing. I think, if this is to be a dedication, I'd bring it back around at the end to her and speak directly to her.

I hope this helps some. I look forward to reading more

lizziep

[RiverNotch]

Thanks lizzie! I'm struggling -- so my responses.

I think I'll keep Babalon -- at least for me, it sounds close enough to Babylon to seem like an alternate spelling (which, in the essence of Crowley's philosophy, is), such that Google isn't as necessary.

I'll bold, period, and space, the chapter headings, following a certain anthology's convention.

I've tried to clean up those problem-lines in stanzas three and four, the easiest fix.

I disagree with from yet to balm being prosaic, because it gets kinda metrical there, but perhaps. As for the introduction of "student", I'm not sure how it doesn't work -- the speaker's considering his situation of being between old age and youth here, so to soothe his student's calluses, ie to leave behind the pains of youth, is sort of the point. Or maybe you read as to soothe the calluses of the boy he's teaching?, in which case I'd have to rearrange a bit -- rather, I have, but now the sound sorta bothers me.

I've shortened the line to "between my Philippines and your Mexico", hoping that the whole Spanish-galleon thing would be enough for the point (although considering the dense infusion of roughly-gotten gnostic philosophy, I suppose that hope rings a little false).

I'm retroactively explaining one-eye as an evocation of Odin (thanks, Todd!), but really I just prefer the sound of the singular. As to why a diabetic hell should blind, cataracts.

How does it lose you? the leg-severed-bit, I mean. When you get lost later, I get it, but right now I can only do so much, it's a hard change.

Good point. I keep playing with the thought of being transgender as "God-hated" (not that I think so -- but, for one, I really did love Dana's work, for another, to court such thoughts with a rational mind is to invoke sympathy, and for last, it's one of those incredibly interesting dilemmas in theological law, at least in my opinion), so yeah, the possibility of it seeming more as a comment on misogyny (which it also kind of is, really, with the speaker's *lowly* flesh being considered "female", the addressed being considered "genderless" (ie, her eradicating her sex to achieve a new identity), and the bits about anxious Jocastas and whatnot), divorced from the idea of being transgender is a bit of a problem, and thus the more assured move to Teiresias in the longed for third edition.

And also elaborate a bit on the whole woman-is-a-child thing, but for that, I'll be using my poetic license card and, with the already noted conflation of Plato, Plotinus, and Valentinus, stick Plato to Valentinus.

I dunno -- the heavy, heavy ambiguity in that last stanza, I absolutely love. But perhaps for it to work, the earlier stanzas, particularly the last three, really need to gel, so I'll only revise if the complain continues with the reorganized stanzas 9, 8, and 7. I'll return the third line to its original form, though, in case the main blocker was using the Irish word for tower, as yet another play on Yeats.

And I disagree about this being turned into an essay, because so much of this banks on the metaphorical, rather than the logical -- as much as I have to explain a lot of the philosophies behind it, ultimately those philosophies are here used as tools, as points of reference, instead of as frameworks an essay, even an especially poetical one, would demand. Plus, I feel that too much of this already work, as lines, so that a wholesale restructuring would end up being too much of a bother. Although yeah, ultimately the dedication is incidental -- it has, I think, evolved from a direct dedication, to just the acknowledgements-to-the-family page of a Biochemistry textbook. I've snipped it out in the next edit, it's a little useless, though I may return it in the end. Again, thanks!

[Achebe]

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babalon stole her architects ..........is this just word play? I don't think 'the mystical system of Thelema' as per Wikipedia adds a meaningful extra layer of meaning eg. Zeus / Dr Seuss is - a bit farcical
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat .......the 'that is why' is the first of the poem's many profound-sounding statements that are actually sweet nonsense

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,...the meat / sweet leitmotif is one of the few things I like about the poem
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got ...I don't recall Plato promising anything of the sort
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men ...OK, so S1 is the setup for chapters to follow, nice...

-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
how the knowledge of old age

confused youth's understanding. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe these calluses born of school
with balm, that I should judge? to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? ...this is when I say 'dafuck?' a second time.  Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
between my country and your Mexico.  ...the 'Spanish' leads to your rival university, and to Mexico. It's just loose thought association, isn't it?

3. Mexico ...I was expecting 'Jocastas' here, but thought association it is.

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat  ....this is a beautiful strophe ending on 'incomplete'. just splendid, with the 'shattered stones' working beautifully with the 'trumpet vines' and bringing to mind Aztec temples, Huitzilopochtli and the serpent, which somehow seems to work very well with 'overshorn' - I don't know why. I'm not sure what it means, though, because I thought both countries were Catholic and there was only one Catholic bible....

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand ....now I don't know if you've switched back into autobiography or are just being clever

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man ....as Todd said, without your footnote...but I'm not that keen on getting that much into the minutiae of your real life. This is too self indulgent
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless? .....switching between too many voices, the ambiguity overwhelms at this point

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Hi RN, it seems churlish to dislike something as lovely sounding as this, but the trick is probably to write something that is as lovely sounding as this that also makes sense   
And I actually like the Four Quartets.

[RiverNotch]

So, so, so indulgent. It's a long haul to the next draft, but at least I know what to cut. Profound-sounding but sweet nonsense is my specialty, Achebe! And Plato at the very least promised us the existence of soulmates. The hircine curse's shape reverse-shave makes its own kind of sense that I don't think I need to clarify, it sounds fair enough -- well, not really, since I had to butcher that line for clarity. Yeah, another thing to cut, perhaps. As for loose thought association, it's sorta thematically relevant, since UP was (sort of) established to be the Philippines's very own national university, while Ateneo was established by Jesuit colonials about two hundred years before, and with one of the themes being conquest and the gradual divides on language....but again, loose, since I somewhat abandon that metaphor for the more literal in the next stanza, as Ateneo is established to be more English-English than UP, and the Bible note is a very personal religious one. Mexico's there because, as earlier noted, it is sort of a Shibboleth -- and each heading is supposed to jump off from the last stanza. But yeah, agreed that it sinks into indulgence, and again, it's a long haul. Many thanks!

Two little edits, though: "my Philippines and your Mexico" for the new one, not "my country and your Mexico", I mis-encoded; and, capitulating, I've changed Babalon to Babylon. Not in a new draft, since they're so small.

[RiverNotch]

I'm pretty sure this new edit broke my hip.

[tectak]

Hi river,
no line-by line on this as you have done a fine job on the workshopping. Suffice to say,and I will stick to my guns on this, randomised line and/or stanza breaks never works. If it serves no purpose it saves no poem. I made that up just for you.


Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised usI would leave Plotinus out of this...he is drinking man's thinker with his inviable "opinion, science, illumination". Just saying.
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

--my mother
and my father plagued me
when they raised me.
Or rather blessed,

how the knowledge of old age
confused youth's understanding.  Incredibly convoluted sentence no matter where I start or end it. Needs a re-structuring, that's all. you can do it.
Yet have I grown enough to shave 
this hircine curse's shape Are we talking goat or hunter here? Any references to Greek or Roman mythology tend to diverge from the original rather than converge to the present...so I get lost and cannot be bothered to look up the multiple meanings. It must be clear for me and this is not...made worse by splitting the clue away from the question by an inch or so. Is this quantum entanglement and who the hell am I?

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized Pacific with a capital
across Katipunan avenue Avenue with a capital
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell. The King and Queen of Corinth
were far from old when they raised me,

Teiresias the sex-changing cataract no man
but child: Plato did speak truth
when he said fleshly woman is a child.
Dare I subscribe? You know how tragedy works: Like[b/]

I am become an Indio Abelard,
grafted to cursed flesh, to shattered stone,
and you remain afloat, a child of God
a blinding angel, mute and genderless.

[b]4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.


Third workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
how the knowledge of old age

confused youth's understanding. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe these calluses born of school
with balm, that I should judge? to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Second workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

First workshop edit:

Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.[pre verse]

Earlier drafts, with the corresponding edits having been cosmetic.
[pre verse]Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

coexisted with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm? To shave this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their God-hated maker not a man
but a child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

---

Hi river,
no line-by line on this as you have done a fine job on the workshopping. Suffice to say,and I will stick to my guns on this, randomised line and/or stanza breaks never works. If it serves no purpose it saves no poem. I made that up just for you.


Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised usI would leave Plotinus out of this...he is drinking man's thinker with his inviable  "opinion, science, illumination". Just saying.
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

--my mother
and my father plagued me
when they raised me.
Or rather blessed,

how the knowledge of old age
confused youth's understanding.  Incredibly convoluted sentence no matter where I start or end it. Needs a re-structuring, that's all. you can do it.
Yet have I grown enough to shave 
this hircine curse's shape Are we talking goat or hunter here? Any references to Greek or Roman mythology tend to diverge from the original rather than converge to the present...so I get lost and cannot be bothered to look up the multiple meanings. It must be clear for me and this is not...made worse by splitting the clue away from the question by an inch or so. Is this quantum entanglement and who the hell am I?

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized Pacific with a capital
across Katipunan avenue Avenue with a capital
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell. The King and Queen of Corinth
were far from old when they raised me,

Teiresias the sex-changing cataract no man
but child: Plato did speak truth
when he said fleshly woman is a child.
Dare I subscribe? You know how tragedy works: Like[b/]

I am become an Indio Abelard,
grafted to cursed flesh, to shattered stone,
and you remain afloat, a child of God
a blinding angel, mute and genderless.

[b]4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.


Third workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
how the knowledge of old age

confused youth's understanding. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe these calluses born of school
with balm, that I should judge? to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Second workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

First workshop edit:

Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.[pre verse]

Earlier drafts, with the corresponding edits having been cosmetic.
[pre verse]Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

coexisted with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm? To shave this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their God-hated maker not a man
but a child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

[/b]

[RiverNotch]

thanks for the feedback! i'll implement the capitalizations as soon as i am able, and i fully agree that section two needs reworking. just one thing: what do you mean by like, in the third section?

[tectak]

thanks for the feedback! i'll implement the capitalizations as soon as i am able, and i fully agree that section two needs reworking. just one thing: what do you mean by like, in the third section?

I meant I liked it...more for the compliance than the originality. We are always being encouraged to say things in a new way...sometimes it is just fine to say things in a way that conforms to the norm but has a "new"
 simple truth in it.
Best,
tectak

[Sparkydashforth]

RiverNotch,

sorry to yet again get on your case,
but this hotchpotch of oratorical proclamations
seems like you just spewed up your intellect
for an audience you suppose could not otherwise comprehend
the brilliance of your thoughts in plain prose.
 

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat..........................what do you mean? Please do challenge
the reader, but when the reader is left shaking his or her head, you should rethink
the acceptable degree of opacity a reader is willing to swallow.

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.   I don't recall Plato or the rest promising anything of the sort,
except in a neutral, cultural context.  Are you blaming them for something?  To add Jocastas here
seems ridicules.  Your theme: meat as sin, seems pretty threadbare so far.

2. Grave Old Men

--my mother
and my father plagued me
when they raised me.
Or rather blessed,

how the knowledge of old age
confused youth's understanding. 
Yet have I grown enough to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan Avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico...... O my gawd!  Stop it.

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat..............................why are you Telling so much? Show just a little.

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell. The King and Queen of Corinth
were far from old when they raised me,.....diabetes and hell, and the Queen of Corinth - really?

Teiresias the sex-changing cataract no man
but child: Plato did speak truth
when he said fleshly woman is a child.
Dare I subscribe? You know how tragedy works:.............This is a tragedy of overstatement.

I am become an Indio Abelard,
grafted to cursed flesh, to shattered stone,
and you remain afloat, a child of God
a blinding angel, mute and genderless.....I feel like I am be lectured to by a
bookish drunk.  Can you really support these lines with any incisive logic?

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.  O crap, sounds like we are screwed.  A 'thought' you might have
begun  this rambling, muse with.

Not for me.








Third workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1. Mother Earth

-- Babylon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2. Grave Old Men

-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
how the knowledge of old age

confused youth's understanding. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe these calluses born of school
with balm, that I should judge? to shave 
this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
between my Philippines and your Mexico. 

3. Mexico

-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4. Hermaphrodite

-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Tower of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Second workshop edit:

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so when Lucifer
confused his craving for love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

First workshop edit:

Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible grows 
overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

"...Katipunan avenue" - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
"...Ozy and Millie" - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.[pre verse]

Earlier drafts, with the corresponding edits having been cosmetic.
[pre verse]Soulmate

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

could coexist with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm, to shave this hircine curse

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their "God-hated" maker no man
but child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.

Babal

for Kim

1 - Mother Earth
-- Babalon stole her architects
from Egypt, her engineers from Greece, her doctors
and priests from Israel: that is why our tongues
are tied with Şibboleths. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, and Plato,
Plotinus, Valentinus, lied to us. They promised us
angels for wives, mortal gods for husbands, yet all we got
were grave old men, anxious Jocastas.

2 - Grave Old Men
-- my mother
and my father plagued me
as they raised me. Or rather blessed,
the fact that the knowledge of old age

coexisted with the understanding of childhood
confused me, in my youth. Yet have I grown
enough to soothe my student's calluses
with balm? To shave this hircine curse's shape

into a Spanish beard? Galleons sail
on pacific currents concretized
across Katipunan avenue 1
to and fro two colonies, my country and your Mexico. 

3 - Mexico
-- what a Şibboleth! Our old school's shattered stones
are now the home to snake-like trumpet vines, just as your English
is no longer the same as mine, and your Bible
grows overshorn, incomplete. Truly, meat

is the sweetest sin, so that when Lucifer
confused his craving for a love, he was cast down
to diabetic hell, his eye blinded,
his leg severed, yet by the Jewish doctor's hand

his consoling treats tied shut. Ozy and Millie 2
were far from old when they raised me,
Dana their God-hated maker not a man
but a child: Plato did speak truth

when he said woman is a child. And yet,
accursed flesh, am I a woman who here stands,
as she with the ruddy hair is man
and you with the mortal light is genderless?

4 - Hermaphrodite
-- what a devilish love! It was no storm
but flesh-dissolving bile that broke
the Thoor of Babel, that spread 
like pâté men across the earth.

1 - A tale of two universities in Quezon City, with the state-sponsored University of the Philippines to the west, and the Jesuit-sponsored Ateneo de Manila University to the east. The road itself is a haven to capitalists, with expensive malls, expensive restaurants, and expensive dormitories lining each side. 
2 - http://ozyandmillie.org/ One of my favorite comic strips. Its creator is Dana Claire Simpson, and she is a transgender female. It was through that work that I learned what transgender means, though not directly, as I remember it never dealt with the issue -- I just did my research, once I got engrossed.