Brimful [edit]

[dukealien]

Brimful

An old man minces ~
bears life like a brimming bowl
of harvest liquor.



original version;

Brimful (Senryu)


Old man walks as if
he carries well-aged brandy
in brimming chalice.

[kolemath]

good flip, putting dirty wine in such a regal vessel. not sure the title helps though. perhaps 'happy fool' or 'stooge grimace' would do some extra work

[RiverNotch]

Brimful (Senryu)


Old man walks as if
he carries well-aged brandy
in brimming chalice.

Last line corrected - how did *that* get in there?

FIVE SEVEN FIVE!!!!!
but also this could reasonably be turned into a haiku, if you set it some season-time, like instead of well-aged brandy, say, "vintage plum wine" or something, which I think would somehow better it
and I can't help but be irked by the missing articles in the first and last lines -- maybe something like "The old man ambles / like he carries plum vintage / in a brimming cup." but that's probably just me
otherwise, lovely! and what last line corrected?

[dukealien]

Last line corrected - how did *that* get in there?

FIVE SEVEN FIVE!!!!!
but also this could reasonably be turned into a haiku, if you set it some season-time, like instead of well-aged brandy, say, "vintage plum wine" or something, which I think would somehow better it
and I can't help but be irked by the missing articles in the first and last lines -- maybe something like "The old man ambles / like he carries plum vintage / in a brimming cup." but that's probably just me
otherwise, lovely! and what last line corrected?

Can it be haiku with people in it?  Have to check the rules  .

The last line had "a" in it, as your suggestion does, which bumped the syllable count.  Somehow I missed that in editing and posting.

I agree, lack of articles a flaw.  Going full-house Japanese with their shallow dishes of sake for drinking might help (what's the formal name for those?)  Disagree with "ambling," though - I'm trying for the slow, jittery caution of an arthritic man - ambling is too relaxed.

@kolemath -  Need to reinforce my imagery here,

pointing to the intended symbolism of the elderly man carrying his full life in unsteady hands.

Thanks to both!  This one has some edits coming.

[kolemath]

Last line corrected - how did *that* get in there?

FIVE SEVEN FIVE!!!!!
but also this could reasonably be turned into a haiku, if you set it some season-time, like instead of well-aged brandy, say, "vintage plum wine" or something, which I think would somehow better it
and I can't help but be irked by the missing articles in the first and last lines -- maybe something like "The old man ambles / like he carries plum vintage / in a brimming cup." but that's probably just me
otherwise, lovely! and what last line corrected?

Can it be haiku with people in it?  Have to check the rules  .

The last line had "a" in it, as your suggestion does, which bumped the syllable count.  Somehow I missed that in editing and posting.

I agree, lack of articles a flaw.  Going full-house Japanese with their shallow dishes of sake for drinking might help (what's the formal name for those?)  Disagree with "ambling," though - I'm trying for the slow, jittery caution of an arthritic man - ambling is too relaxed.

@kolemath -  Need to reinforce my imagery here,

pointing to the intended symbolism of the elderly man carrying his full life in unsteady hands.

Thanks to both!  This one has some edits coming.

reinforce or redundant..that is the question

[RiverNotch]

Can it be haiku with people in it?  Have to check the rules  .

The last line had "a" in it, as your suggestion does, which bumped the syllable count.  Somehow I missed that in editing and posting.

I agree, lack of articles a flaw.  Going full-house Japanese with their shallow dishes of sake for drinking might help (what's the formal name for those?)  Disagree with "ambling," though - I'm trying for the slow, jittery caution of an arthritic man - ambling is too relaxed.

Since in some of the Basho poems I've read, I remember the priest being an actual character in poem, so I suppose it works -- "ambles" was less the desired word, more the desired syllabication -- I don't have a clue what's the better word -- and masu or choko, says wikipedia.

[dukealien]

edit1;



Brimful

An old man minces ~
bears life like a brimming bowl
of harvest liquor.

---

For a simple concept, I seem to have really fallen into Edit Hell on this one.  (Or as someone is bound to say, "Welcome to haiku!")  This tries to apply all the good criticism provided above, including a seasonal reference and making the metaphor/simile more clear.  In light of the autumn reference, label as senryu/haiku is left ambiguous.

Not perfectly happy with "minces" - it's a secondary meaning of the word, and has a connotation of affectedness:  describes the gait but not the attitude.  "Stumbles" or "shambles" lacks the idea of care; "tiptoes" doesn't describe the flat-footedness of rheumatism.  Edit Hell!

[kolemath]

[quote='dukealien' pid='219656' dateline='1478007158']
Brimful

An old man minces ~ interesting implications for 'minces'..never heard of the term used for walking..
bears life like a brimming bowl this line is stronger than any from the first draft
of harvest liquor. interesting ambivalence elicited from 'harvest liquor'

a good revision. your tenacity for 'brimful' is evident. i still find it redundant, abstract, and just off. what is brimful? the man? if the bowl is life and brimming, and the man is bearing the bowl, bearing life, then the man too is brimful with the bowl? if life is brimfully filing the man, [b]can one be filled to the brim with life bowls?[/b]

[b][b]i guess it makes more sense to say the bowl is brimful (randomly assigning 'brimful' to another noun in the poem), but you already have the modifier 'brimming' doing this work. 

[/b][/b]
 life is the brimming bowl in the simile, but i think you're trying to suggest that life is also filling the man to be brim, like a liquid would..you might say 'bears life like the harvest liquor / of a brimming bowl'  then the brimming metaphor would work to fill the man..

i do like the poem. thanks for posting