indiana vanilla

[Lizzie]

no one warned us we could become this bored
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields]

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio

[kolemath]

no one warned us we could become this bored
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] how'd they get there? would one be warned if born in?

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out good implications for white thought here

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad yuck
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence i like the simile but wish it connected to the whiteness critique

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on i don't know if 'droned' is the best choice, perhaps something more khaki-specific?
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio

i appreciate this as one closely associated with a half-Indianian. flipping white bread flatbrains 

[Lizzie]

no one warned us we could become this bored
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] how'd they get there? would one be warned if born in? Ha, I suppose not, eh?

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out good implications for white thought here I wasn't actually thinking of the whiteness issue, but that's very true as well. It fits in well with the Cool Whip and marshmallow

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad yuck yuppers
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence i like the simile but wish it connected to the whiteness critique Maybe I can add in something else in an edit that follows up on that theme

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on i don't know if 'droned' is the best choice, perhaps something more khaki-specific?
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio

i appreciate this as one closely associated with a half-Indianian. flipping white bread flatbrains 

I'm glad that it hits somewhere close to home for you
This one does run the risk of being a little specific, bucha gotta write what's in ya da write, am I right?

[RiverNotch]

no one warned us we could become this bored become feels a bit off-rhythm -- maybe be, or get
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] and i feel like this could be integrated better than being in brackets -- comma we young women... comma, perhaps

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out here's where exposition ends. earlier notes, i do find a bit annoying, but they are nits. i like how this is separated, how this ties to white, and how this speaks a lot about the setting (or at least how i tend to judge it)

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip white
Jello and Marshmallow salad white -- also, disagree with the earlier, this sounds delish. just don't call it a salad
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence white, with that "fictional" note....

....that's a semen joke, in case you didn't catch that (xD). then again, placing it so close to cool whip....

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on white
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music white ---- until you get to "choral music", which i have found has such, such, such variety (the example i immediately thought of is this: [Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4jeTWheAxA]); so that i would suggest changing that
in syllables as clean as Christian radio white, as far as i know ---- i do wonder, though, how much Christian radio over there plays contemporary Christian (specifically, evangelical) music, which i personally think is as shit (and sorta white, or at least the sort of white this deals with -- there's my judgment again) as can be -- here we only have two stations, one playing some contemporary, but mostly talks and such, and the other playing never contemporary, most often classical, sometimes jazz: it's the only classical/jazz station over here, as far as i know, and it's my favorite station overall

and the title is a draw, too. kinda reminds me of the movie vanilla sky, how that's all about illusions -- heh, as if i ever watched it. i saw a short bit on television, looked it up on wikipedia, that's it. but yeah, this whole piece, lovely

[Ton Romus]

Howdy,

And folksy ham shakes all around. I'm new in these parts but
rather old in others. Certainly enjoyed your piece and
red those other crits etc. so I decided to offer
some blue that might be viable or
please ignore whatever and/or
feel free to use anything
if you like...

no one warned us young women
of midwestern cornfields
we would become this bored

or maybe they did and we blanked them out
because their words taste like cool whip
jello and marshmallow salad

because their creased khakis and clairol ash
blonde hair broadcast ranch dressing as
clear as abstinence on christian radio

***

[Lizzie]

no one warned us we could become this bored become feels a bit off-rhythm -- maybe be, or get
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] and i feel like this could be integrated better than being in brackets -- comma we young women... comma, perhaps thanks for the ideas on these two lines -- i agree that it doesn't flow as well as it could

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out here's where exposition ends. earlier notes, i do find a bit annoying, but they are nits. i like how this is separated, how this ties to white, and how this speaks a lot about the setting (or at least how i tend to judge it)

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip white
Jello and Marshmallow salad white -- also, disagree with the earlier, this sounds delish. just don't call it a salad it's salad because you can't call it a casserole, which are also just big jumbles of random things, but heated in an oven
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence white, with that "fictional" note....

....that's a semen joke, in case you didn't catch that (xD). then again, placing it so close to cool whip.... I will never look at Cool Whip the same way again!

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on white
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music white ---- until you get to "choral music", which i have found has such, such, such variety (the example i immediately thought of is this: [Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4jeTWheAxA]); so that i would suggest changing that You're right, and that was a lovely clip All I know is that they love their choirs....but, yes, I"ll choose something else.
in syllables as clean as Christian radio white, as far as i know ---- i do wonder, though, how much Christian radio over there plays contemporary Christian (specifically, evangelical) music All, as far as I'm aware. And, yes, it's super white. Some urban areas will have a gospel station. , which i personally think is as shit (and sorta white, or at least the sort of white this deals with -- there's my judgment again) as can be -- here we only have two stations, one playing some contemporary, but mostly talks and such, and the other playing never contemporary, most often classical, sometimes jazz: it's the only classical/jazz station over here, as far as i know, and it's my favorite station overall

and the title is a draw, too. kinda reminds me of the movie vanilla sky, how that's all about illusions -- heh, as if i ever watched it. i saw a short bit on television, looked it up on wikipedia, that's it. I've never seen it either, but that is a nice allusion to illusions! but yeah, this whole piece, lovely

Thanks for the read and the laughs, River

[Achebe]

no one warned us we could become this bored ........the opening line gets my attention
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] ............ too long. clunky - I'd suggest dropping a syllable. Perhaps 'Iowan'?. also, i assume that the young women etc. are referring to yourself.

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out ................. as someone else mentioned, the spacing suits this line well

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad ....a fresh image. nice.
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence ...."teenage abstinence" is clunky.The simile is not particularly striking.

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio ....nice. Love this strophe.

By the poem's end, i'm left confused as to who the 'they' of L3 are: the young women themselves? 
Also, Indiana, Iowa....all the same to me. 
A mixed poem.

[Lizzie]

@Ton Romus:

As long as it's just a shake and not a shank

LOVE the Clairol substitution -- goes along with the phoniness/chemical theme very well.

Thanks for the sample re-write and welcome to the site! ><

P.S. Love your avatar!

---

no one warned us we could become this bored ........the opening line gets my attention How ironic, boredom/attention
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] ............ too long. clunky - I'd suggest dropping a syllable. Perhaps 'Iowan'?. also, i assume that the young women etc. are referring to yourself. Ok, funny story: yes, and no, and yes. I read somewhere that Americans tend to mark themselves a little too clearly by overusing the lyric I. Not that I could really avoid marking myself in this particular piece. Anyway, the midwestern boredom thing is not specific to me, but if you think it would have more impact if I went back to the I, then I will do that.

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out ................. as someone else mentioned, the spacing suits this line well

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad ....a fresh image. nice.
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence ...."teenage abstinence" is clunky.The simile is not particularly striking.

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio ....nice. Love this strophe.

By the poem's end, i'm left confused as to who the 'they' of L3 are: the young women themselves? Sigh. More "they" troubles, eh? It's becoming an epidemic in my poetry.
Also, Indiana, Iowa....all the same to me. 
A mixed poem.

Thanks so much for the review. >< Yeah, it has some rough spots, so I'll attend to those in an edit.

[Sparkydashforth]

Got to love this poem


no one warned us we could become this bored
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] .......love this line

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence ............abstinence feels wrong here

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio..............................O boy, you nailed it. Bless um.

[Lizzie]

Got to love this poem


no one warned us we could become this bored
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] .......love this line

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence ............abstinence feels wrong here

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio..............................O boy, you nailed it. Bless um.

Hi Sparky! Thanks for giving it a read. Yeah, the abstinence line will probably get re-worked. Several people are not a fan. It's always good to have confirmation of these things.