Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
Cool kids climbing trees
Cool wind blows breeze
Green leaves turn to gold
Too high Johnny falls
Hits his head red stains brown
And everybody knows
Upstairs honeys
Slick skin licks lips wine tipsy
Fat man brings the gold
Making fast cash
Sheets stain black wife's at home
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes
At the races
Greyhounds pumping hungry faces
Fat man wins the gold
Three days he's been running
Streaks down tie him down
Last chance to say, "bye dad"
And everybody knows
Cool wind faces
Blowing brass dark sunglasses
Hanging on the nose
Everybody's turned to gold
Pinstripe uniforms
Getting high girls dancing
Putting on a show
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(10-30-2016, 05:06 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Cool kids climbing trees
Cool wind blows breeze
Green leaves turn to gold
Too high Johnny falls
Hits his head red stains brown
And everybody knows
Upstairs honeys
Slick skin licks lips wine tipsy
Fat man brings the gold
Making fast cash
Sheets stain black wife's at home
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes
At the races
Greyhounds pumping hungry faces
Fat man wins the gold
Three days he's been running
Streaks down family's down
Last time to say, "bye dad"
And everybody knows
Cool wind faces
Blowing brass dark sunglasses
Hanging on the nose
Everybody's turned to gold
Pinstripe uniforms
Getting high girls dancing
Putting on a show
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes.
This could easily dissolve into a rhyming disaster and I'm glad it doesn't. Love the "everybody knows" /and "gold" repetition....almost alliterative. Nice read.
Not sure about the title, but the poem does have that pendulum rhythm feel to it, like the walk of an elephant might. Not sure if that was intended. If so, might consider singular for the title. If not, than it doesn't matter.
I like it either way.
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
This could easily dissolve into a rhyming disaster and I'm glad it doesn't. Love the "everybody knows" /and "gold" repetition....almost alliterative. Nice read.
Not sure about the title, but the poem does have that pendulum rhythm feel to it, like the walk of an elephant might. Not sure if that was intended. If so, might consider singular for the title. If not, than it doesn't matter.
Thanks 71, the elephants in the room that everyone knows about and no one talks about. 3 stanzas of 'elephants' and one of ignoring it. tried not rhyming once, almost rhymed anyways...
I like it either way.
[/quote]
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Rhyme with meter works well , such as,
"At the races (two feet of trochee)
Greyhounds pumping hungry faces" (four feet of trochee)
Without, not so much.
Also "Streaks down family's down" "Down" so close together is disruptive to the reading.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 15
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2016
I like what @71degrees mentioned about this poem feeling like a pendulum swinging. I would draw that rhythmic feeling out by keeping the stanzas the same length.
The action of the poem is clear to me in the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, but unclear in the 4th. I caught the "elephant in the room" theme, but I missed it in the 1st stanza. What's the elephant there?
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(10-30-2016, 05:06 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Cool kids climbing trees
Cool wind blows breeze
Green leaves turn to gold
Too high Johnny falls
Hits his head red stains brown
And everybody knows
Upstairs honeys
Slick skin licks lips wine tipsy
Fat man brings the gold
Making fast cash
Sheets stain black wife's at home
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes
At the races
Greyhounds pumping hungry faces
Fat man wins the gold
Three days he's been running
Streaks down tie him down
Last chance to say, "bye dad"
And everybody knows
Cool wind faces
Blowing brass dark sunglasses
Hanging on the nose
Everybody's turned to gold
Pinstripe uniforms
Getting high girls dancing
Putting on a show
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes.
The title is cryptic...but I love the DA-DA-da-da-da rhythm of this piece. Nice!
Liked 'sheets stain black' - a nice surprise twist there when we'd be expecting a repeat of the 'red'.
Also liked how you move from the reflected gold of presumably tinted sunglasses to the 'turned to gold' as seen through the sunglasses.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
