Song of the Great Mother

[RiverNotch]

Song of the Great Mother



Impotent bull, you force me off my seat
with hidden savagery -- as if your words
could steal desire. 
It is the fool who least desires to work
for something seen oblique -- life after death?
It is a peak: the mountain, white with fog
and snow. An Attis' heart was made to sting,
born of the blade that bloomed between his legs
and turned man into girl. What of belief?
It is the fool who thinks the heart is chief
and not of equal need. Remove the flesh
and who should hear me speak? Remove the mind
and how should speech be heard? As if you'd trust
a voice of madness calling from within --
and so the birds, the shaking of the goats,
                   the shuddering of leaves....

....yet have I said too little, asked too much?
And now the wood beneath me creaks
but not with age. Beside me stand
two lions, both on edge -- two golden thieves.

[billy]

i like the greek edge to it [excuse the pun] and realize [i think] you're going for a certain sound. if you're not going for said sound, you could cut a bit away in order to make it less monotonic liked the power of the opening line in relation to the rest of the poem.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks! This was written in a bit of a frenzy right around the season of PWoF, so in terms of aesthetics, I can't be entirely sure what I was going for (in terms of argument, I'm sure this was supposed to be Cybele arguing with some Christians), but yeah, perhaps the argument could be tightened, and the sound --- what exactly do you mean by "a certain sound", other than quasi-Romantic monotony?

PS the font is because I don't really want to bother respacing the sixteenth line, which is supposed to line up with the third only to show that they finish each other into IP, and I normally write in unaltered notepad. I think I might commit to that font, whenever I do something even a little concrete.

[billy]

oops i thought attis was greek

you know that sound someone has when they use twice as many words as needed and they're generally filler words of four or less letters?

me off my
as if your
It is the [twice]
It is a
and not of
and so the

there are more and even more if 5 letter words are counted. it's no biggy, just saying it if it's intentional they no harm

[RiverNotch]

oops i thought attis was greek

you know that sound someone has when they use twice as many words as needed and they're generally filler words of four or less letters?

me off my
as if your
It is the [twice]
It is a
and not of
and so the

there are more and even more if 5 letter words are counted. it's no biggy, just saying it if it's intentional they no harm

It's as intentional as my lack of skill allows it to be, xD. I do wonder how peeps squeeze out that stuff when playing with meter, especially iambic --- rather, I do wonder when or how I'll have read enough to reach that point. Thanks for the stuff!

Attis is technically Phrygian, but that's Greek enough for me.