October Burns

[UselessBlueprint]

Sunlight shines through bare branches
and cuts eastward on narrow city streets, then
sets on the broad suburban boulevard.

He found a fiery death while driving
into the blinding glare and suddenly
crashing into a tree.
Cold autumn winds fan the flames.

In the ambulance: his body,
burned like a cigarette butt,
his head, cracked like an egg.

We scatter ashes on the dirt,
plant a new tree,
and October burns.

Probably going to change the last line tonight, but the title will likely remain.

[dukealien]

I'd like to critique this in full, but will only say the story's quirky and fun, in a somewhat ghoulish way.  The cyclical aspect of planting a new tree to replace the fatal one is amusing and smart.  (Suggestion: who has planted the new sun to set and slash through it?)

Ambivalent about the title.  Cyclical might be "October Burns Again," but better...  "October Catches Fire?"  "October Alight?"

Was jarred by the temporary switch to present tense in the last line of S2.  But S3 is timeless and descriptive, not really past tense.  Hmmm...

S1 might be a bit wordy - should go fast as the car and the deadly blades of light.

Good read!  Thanks.

[kolemath]

Sunlight shines through bare branches
and cuts eastward on narrow city streets, then
sets on the broad suburban boulevard. great sounds in this stanza, especially L3

He found a fiery death while driving
into the blinding glare and suddenly hate driving at sunset on the highway
crashing into a tree. wait, i though we were on narrow city streets..
Cold autumn winds fan the flames. more good sounds

In the ambulance: his body
burned like a cigarette butt,
his head cracked like an egg. temporal mix-up? his head probably cracked, then burned, then made it into the ambulance? unless you intend to use -ed participles instead of simple past tense verbs, in which case there should be a comma after 'body' and 'cracked,' unless somehow these things are happening in the ambulance..

We scatter ashes on the dirt,
plant a new tree,
and October burns. i like the last line; it lets the reader chew on the title more

Probably going to change the last line tonight, but the title will likely remain.

thanks for posting

[UselessBlueprint]

@Dukealien S1 is definitely wordy, not sure how to fix that one yet. The blank space in the title is necessary, I can't quite remove it. Of course, I should hope it leaves the reader searching for something that may or may not be there. Your suggestion confuses me, however, which means either my first few lines failed, or I need your suggestion explained to me.

@Kolemath Past participles were the intent. I love participles, and often use them subtly. Forgot the commas, however. (Might be a bad habit from translating out of Latin - my teacher instructed us not to use commas for some participles, even though it often seemed necessary.) I'll adjust that here. On a side note, don't let the narrow city streets make you think trees are out of the question. Granted, the boulevard was the destination of the sunlight, and where the driving scene should begin. Brooklyn has quite a number of trees as well, and those are usually some pretty tight streets.

[kolemath]

@Kolemath Past participles were the intent. I love participles, and often use them subtly. Forgot the commas, however. (Might be a bad habit from translating out of Latin - my teacher instructed us not to use commas for some participles, even though it often seemed necessary.) I'll adjust that here. On a side note, don't let the narrow city streets make you think trees are out of the question. Granted, the boulevard was the destination of the sunlight, and where the driving scene should begin. Brooklyn has quite a number of trees as well, and those are usually some pretty tight streets.

true enough. a tree grows in brooklyn, smith reminds us.  a little clarification wouldn't hurt though, a sidewalk tree perhaps? or say brooklyn? it was too much of a jump for me from a city to a tree, but i live in a tree-less city, so there's some personal bias there

[RiverNotch]

Sunlight shines through bare branches
and cuts eastward on narrow city streets, then Perhaps too many conjunctions. "shines through bare branches, / cuts eastward through the alleyways, and / sets on the broad boulevard." Then change "and" in line five to "then".
sets on the broad suburban boulevard. I've never experienced autumn, so I do wonder if this "blinding glare" thing is really so blinding.

He found a fiery death while driving
into the blinding glare and suddenly
crashing into a tree.
Cold autumn winds fan the flames.

In the ambulance: his body,
burned like a cigarette butt,
his head, cracked like an egg. Remove commas after "body", "head".

We scatter ashes on the dirt,
plant a new tree,
and October burns. 

Rather go with "October Burns" for the title. "Like ___" sounds sorta gimmicky, especially opposed to the poem. Overall, quite lovely.

[UselessBlueprint]

I think I may take your title suggestion in the end. I've grown opposed to the "Like ____" as well, but not for gimmicky reasons. The commas are a response to confusion that kolemath and dukealien had, so now I'm confused about what to do there. I'll look into those first few lines as well. Definitely need trimming, but I'm not sure about adjusting the line breaks.