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Miss-taken
She mistook me with a smile.
Error perceived she frowned
and turned away.
Hope like mist
dissipates before the sun.
erthona
©2016
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2016
This is very tight.
I like that it packs an emotional punch without being melodramatic or sentimental.
Meep meep.
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Joined: Nov 2013
(10-26-2016, 06:45 AM)Erthona Wrote: Miss-taken
She mistook me with a smile.
Error perceived she frowned
and turned away.
Hope like mist
dissipates before the sun.
erthona
©2016
I always thought the opposing bodies were hope and despair, but I guess you were going less, er, what's the word, ethical? and more, er, ironical. I find the present tense of "dissipates" a little off, since all the rest of the poem sets the whole moment surely in the past, but I don't think that's a nit that truly interferes with the reading -- at least, not yet. Lovely.
And the title sorta reminds me of this (a completely tangential association, by the way, born I think solely out of their titles):
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RiverNotch,
Yeah that's a valid argument. I probably should have put some white space in between the two. The first is an experience, the second is a statement that one may or may not apply to the first, but it was not meant to be a continuation of the first.
Maybe:
She mistook me with a smile.
Error perceived she frowned
and turned away.
- - -
Hope like mist
dissipates before the sun.
As far as the music, I would love to sleater her kinny!
As my degree is in Literature is presupposes that I am a cunning linguist.
dale
________________________________________
Bueller,
Thanks for the read and your kind comments.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
