Miss-taken
 
She mistook me with a smile.
Error perceived she frowned
and turned away.
Hope like mist
dissipates before the sun.
 
 
erthona
 
©2016

This is very tight.

I like that it packs an emotional punch without being melodramatic or sentimental.

(10-26-2016, 06:45 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Miss-taken
 
She mistook me with a smile.
Error perceived she frowned
and turned away.
Hope like mist
dissipates before the sun.
 
 
erthona
 
©2016

I always thought the opposing bodies were hope and despair, but I guess you were going less, er, what's the word, ethical? and more, er, ironical. I find the present tense of "dissipates" a little off, since all the rest of the poem sets the whole moment surely in the past, but I don't think that's a nit that truly interferes with the reading -- at least, not yet. Lovely.

And the title sorta reminds me of this (a completely tangential association, by the way, born I think solely out of their titles):

RiverNotch,

Yeah that's a valid argument. I probably should have put some white space in between the two. The first is an experience, the second is a statement that one may or may not apply to the first, but it was not meant to be a continuation of the first.

Maybe:

She mistook me with a smile.
Error perceived she frowned
and turned away.
  - - -
Hope like mist
dissipates before the sun.

As far as the music, I would love to sleater her kinny!     As my degree is in Literature is presupposes that I am a cunning linguist.

dale 
________________________________________

Bueller,

Thanks for the read and your kind comments.

dale