The Amputee

[Wjames]

The hand stewed
in fever blanket sweat
for months after the operation.

A tingle lingered in its vacuum like the stare
of a stranger, and a breeze could chill
the bones in the fingers, sending a hush
upon the itch.

When the wind died
and the bristles in the trees
grew still, I’d think about
their movement.

[dukealien]

The hand stewed
in fever blanket sweat
for months after the operation.

A tingle lingered in its vacuum like the eyes you mean the gaze of a stranger (the so-called ESP effect) - good analogy
of a stranger, and a breeze could chill
the bones in the fingers, sending a hush
upon the itch. this may be a jump too far for the reader, talking about sensations in the phantom hand.  could "the" be "their," to refer back to "fingers?"  Also forward reference to the next stanza's closing.

When the wind died
and the bristles in the trees
grew still, I’d think about
their movement.  nice ambivalence, tree needles or phantom fingers?  Introducing a viewpoint at this late point is a little jarring.

I like this so much after figuring out what's going on in it that it's hard to critique.  The only global problem that comes (instantly) to mind is that the poem is incomprehensible without the title.  There's nothing *wrong* with that, the title is right there.  The only alternative would be to get the reader to figure out the situation from clues within the poem, which would call for more detail and explanation.  Explanation provided by the title is free, right?

In the first stanza, we come to realize the subject is the phantom hand, and congratulate ourselves (the readers) on our perceptiveness.  In S2, "sending a hush upon the itch" is nice alliteration, but you haven't mentioned the itch before and the phrase is a little clumsy - you mean hushing the itch, which is almost as alliterative.  Readers who know something about phantom limbs will recognize the reference, but what about those who don't?

In S3, we learn that it's the amputee speaking.  Well, of course, who else would know?  Which is a somewhat profound thought in itself, but also a jarring contrast with the very objective, apparently third-person descriptions in previous stanzas.  Is the amputee *trying,* unsuccessfully, to objectify the missing hand and so dismiss thoughts of it - and hopefully, perceptions from it, hence become reconciled to its absence?  Does the "I" finally separate from the "it" here, with the reader as witness?   Or should the narrator/amputee be brought in earlier?

Usually, a good place to start with edits is placing every "the" under suspicion.  That may help here, allow for more originality than (for example) "the wind died" - but early in the poem "the" is almost essential to the objectifying process worked on the hand.

There's a lot in these few words; the one thing, oddly, that they don't engage is the reader's sympathy - only a bit of self-congratulation in having figured them out.  A fault in the work, or in (this) reader?

Dynamite read.  Thanks!

[RiverNotch]

The hand stewed
in fever blanket sweat
for months after the operation. I see the phantom of a hand -- not immediately, it took a while to sink in, but that I think is no flaw.

A tingle lingered in its vacuum like the eyes But I do not like "vacuum" here; as much as it reveals that this hand is gone, I think the title works well enough for that, and mentioning vacuum here feels inconsistent, in relation to all the flesh that dominate these first two stanzas. Maybe "muscles"?
of a stranger, and a breeze could chill
the bones in the fingers, sending a hush
upon the itch. I think the fall in rhythm works here, as a sort-of closing off of these first two, "fleshly" stanzas; I also think the image chosen is quite appropriate, if only because I've always wondered if phantom hands truly itch, and this tingles that bit of imagination. Although maybe "an itch", instead?

When the wind died
and the bristles in the trees The wind dying means a loss of that phantom feeling for me, with the bristles in the trees being a tactile contrast.
grew still, I’d think about But I do not like the shift to first person here. The whole poem, bar this, already reads like first person, the sensations are vivid, yet first person in the sense that the speaker, broken by the trauma of losing a hand, is dissociated from himself (or herself, as I first read this). Perhaps something a little more lost, a little less redundant.
their movement.
It's not immediate, sure, but the sympathy is there, and I find that this sort of slow-mounting is more, er, poetic than a right proper gut punch -- it sinks in better, and it doesn't feel manipulative. Although it does start out a slight puzzle, and once the reader overcomes that, certain feelings of pleasure might intrude -- I didn't mind that, but others might. Anyway, lovely work.

[Erthona]

Not wild about the simile of
"like the eyes of a stranger,"
I found it uninformative and disruptive to the reading. In other words how does

This "A tingle lingered in its vacuum" equate to this "like the eyes of a stranger"?

The way the sentence is structured the first is equated to the second, but I find little commonality.

Otherwise it seems a fresh take on the subject, neither self-pitying nor stoic. Good job.

Best,

dale

[Keith]

Hi Wjames I found this interesting but couldn't settle on a clear understanding, not that that's a bad thing any way my preferred version of events is that some of the N's digits have been removed but the finger that has gone still itches until the false sensation is distracted by real sensations in the other fingers. I like the last stanza the most because of the ambiguity, between trees and the hand movements, I'm not convinced about strangers eyes but that is probably down to my lack of interpretation. I have added some comment below. Best Keith

The hand stewed great opening esp after the title, make it instantly slightly macabre
in fever blanket sweat could be smoother and more visual with a shuffle, blanketed in a fever sweat
for months after the operation.

A tingle lingered in its vacuum like the eyes like the phantom itch in missing digits
of a stranger, and a breeze could chill I dont get the strangers eyes unless you are referring to it being unrecognizable
the bones in the fingers, sending a hush
upon the itch. this reminds me of blowing down the side of a plaster cast to bring a similar relief, solid lines good image

When the wind died
and the bristles in the trees use of bristle naturally links the reader to the hair on the back of the hand, nice job
grew still, I’d think about
their movement. again the comparison between the tree and movement of missing fingers gives a strong ending.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts people.

The eyes of the stranger was supposed to represent people staring at the missing limb (the vaccum), I've changed it to stare, hopefully that clarifies it a bit. I see how that connection wasn't strong enough - tingle, etc aren't really relevant, only the lingering was the comparison.

I'd appreciate more thoughts here, I might try to add to this one.

[Sparkydashforth]

This is a perfect little gem of a poem.
I have no problem with your metaphysical imagery either.
No one who is not an amputee can know the sensations that arise
after surgery, but I'm guessing you nailed it here.
The last lines employ a strong metaphor to end with.



Line by line critique below -

The hand stewed..........................Strong opening suggests oedema and inflammation in the phantom limb.
in fever blanket sweat.............perhaps 'fever' is already inferred?
for months after the operation............do you need to be that specific re- Post-Op dates?

A tingle lingered in its vacuum like the stare ............yes, a stare from a the unknown producing a physical reaction.
of a stranger, and a breeze could chill ................chill is a good psychic indicator here.
the bones in the fingers, sending a hush
upon the itch.............................................absent bones hushing a real itch? Maybe that's a stretch.

When the wind died
and the bristles in the trees.................great analogy for the peripheral  branching of sensations.
grew still, I’d think about
their movement.....................Good last lines for they ponder-on and do not answer.