Chrysalis [Edit 1]

[Alic Elliot]

Edit 1

Trapped in a body
That is my own,
but is not.
Wishing I could have chosen
for myself.

How I could be alien
to myself?
When I look in the mirror

I'm not me.

Strange, that.
My preference of parts,
these versus those.
How some could be

So
Very
Wrong

Cloth wrapped around my breasts
binding them tight,
willing them gone,
hiding them under layers.

Chemicals and hormone pills,
stretching bones, painfully.
Building muscle, removing curves

Would it be wrong
To compare this
To metamorphosis?

---

Trapped

In a body that is my own
But feels as if it is not
Wishing I could have chosen
For myself

Strange, that.

The appeal of one set of genitalia
Versus another, and how one
Could feel

So
Very
Wrong

Chemicals, hormones
Building muscle, stretching bone
Cloth binding breasts
That will soon be gone

Would it be wrong
To compare this
To metamorphosis?

[kolemath]

great title choice. try to bring out that metaphor more? some lines contradict the metaphor. chrysalis phase of ongoing metamorphosis, so things feeling wrong or trapped feels off. these are natural changes, which could be an interesting way to discuss gender reassignment, assuming that what this poem is getting at.

Trapped

In a body that is my own
But feels as if it is not generally, 'feel' should be avoided. 'but is not' would be stronger; something more specific would be even better
Wishing I could have chosen
For myself lines 3 and 4 are fair enough, getting into the mental conflict

Strange, that. this line is confusing; i generally am against capitalizing every line, but that's a style choice

The appeal of one set of genitalia o.k. i see the above line can work as an enjambment to this line, but how it fits to s2? appeal to whom?
Versus another, and how one
Could feel again on 'feel' ..do insects swap sexes?

So
Very
Wrong wrong could work conceptually for the metaphor but is abstract

Chemicals, hormones
Building muscle, stretching bone muscles and bones of insects?
Cloth binding breasts
That will soon be gone

Would it be wrong repetiton of wrong is interesting
To compare this
To metamorphosis? so here from person to bug; i don't think this is the metamorphosis the speaker wants, but the opposite, from bug to human.

i guess the question comes down to how you want to use the metaphor. my reading and critique is for an allegory. maybe the chrysalis comparison is more subtle in your intention, but i encourage you to draw it out more. cloth binding breasts could work well for spreading wings. surgically removing breasts could more closely resemble the chrysalis transformation.  i hope these comments are of some use.

[Todd]

Hi Alic, let me give you some comments here. 

I don't ever assume that the poet is always talking about themselves. It could just as easily be an adopted persona for the purpose of writing. I do that often and yet there are some poems that are decidedly personal--where the I of the poem is me. I suspect though that this might be one of your personal ones and the reason I think that is is that it exists too much at the surface level. Personal things tend to be harder to put into words and the subtext (where the poem actually lives) sits too far below the surface.  This poem feels like there could be an emotional core but you have to dig for it. I could be wrong in the why we've come to this place. I just know that it happens to me quite a bit. I recently put a poem up that took years to write. There were a lot of false starts where I'd just make flat statements that held no power. I think that's what's largely going on here--even if the reason for it is different. Chrysalis is a neat idea for dealing with transformation and work the metaphor through the poem. This has potential. A few line comments below:

Trapped--one word lines to open a poem are really weak. I'm not saying they can never work just that it doesn't work here. Find your best idea and express it here. Draw us in.

In a body that is my own
But feels as if it is not--How could you show these ideas without just telling us? How could you demonstrate the truth of the ideas here?  I'm NOT saying to do this but to illustrate: a caterpillar builds a cocoon you (the speaker of the poem) speaks of cloth binding breasts these are similar images. Does a caterpillar feel something inside them is wrong with their current state--blending something together and drawing out the metaphor more would be something to think about.
Wishing I could have chosen
For myself

Strange, that.

The appeal of one set of genitalia
Versus another, and how one
Could feel --all of this language feels so sterile and flat.

So
Very
Wrong

Chemicals, hormones
Building muscle, stretching bone
Cloth binding breasts
That will soon be gone

Would it be wrong
To compare this
To metamorphosis?

The idea is worth exploring. I don't want to overdo my comments in mild. There's a lot more I could touch on but hopefully these comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Hi Alic! I think you have the beginnings of a very strong poem. This is a relevant topic and a strong metaphor to use as a base. I think that you could choose to write it in the 3rd or first person, but I would be consistent. You begin talking about an I, move in the middle to a 'one', kind of an outside person or a group of people, and then in the end is just the philosophical idea. I don't actually mind ending with the idea, per se, but I think it would be much more powerful if you were to use a consistent voice throughout and use that personification all the way to the end.

Trapped -- I actually thought this was the title at first. It feels very static, stranded above everything else. You could certainly use that feeling of being trapped in an inappropriate body to contrast with the constriction of the breast binding as it relates to the metamorphosis. Could be an interesting juxtaposition.

In a body that is my own
But feels as if it is not -- The phrasing on these two lines is very clunky. It's the 'as if it is not' part. It's hard to read.
Wishing I could have chosen
For myself

Strange, that. -- here's where the shift to talking about the struggle as if it's outside of the self happens, and I think you need to keep the conflicts personal (whatever voice you're writing it, I wouldn't switch to talking generally about a wider population. That lessens the poem's immediate impact.)

The appeal of one set of genitalia
Versus another, and how one
Could feel -- 'one could feel' seems as if you're dancing around the idea.

So
Very
Wrong -- I really like isolating those words and giving them maximum impact right in the middle.

Chemicals, hormones
Building muscle, stretching bone
Cloth binding breasts
That will soon be gone -- you could make more comparisons with what metamorphosis does with chemicals and hormones, how it builds muscle, how it might feel to stretch bone, etc.

Would it be wrong
To compare this
To metamorphosis? -- I actually love these last lines. Like kole said, I think the re-capitulation of 'wrong' is good, especially since a lot of folks still view gender-reidentification as a bad thing, unfortunately.

Just some general notes, I would also think about losing the caps at the beginning of every sentence. It used to be the norm, but it only confuses the reader, in my opinion.

If you want to use the metamorphosis idea but don't want to go the bug route and want it to be a little more abstract, I think that's fine. You might want to change your title, in that instance.

I hope this makes sense, but ask for more or clarification if you need. Sometimes I don't make sense.

But, again, I think you have a very solid base for a poem here, and I'm excited to see how you develop the ideas further.

lizziep

[Alic Elliot]

Thanks, all, for the critique! I think I may refine this a bit more then move it to the Novice forum, as Todd says there's more to be touched on here.

In response to you, Todd, this poem ended up more personal than others. While not directly, the state of mind I was in at the time I was writing heavily influenced it.

[Alic Elliot]

ReEdit 1

Trapped in a body
That is my own,
but is not.
Wishing I could have chosen
for myself.

How I could be alien
to myself?
When I look in the mirror

I'm not me.

Strange, that.
My preference of parts,
these versus those.
How some could be

So
Very
Wrong

Cloth wrapped around my breasts
binding them tight,
willing them gone,
hiding them under layers.

Chemicals and hormone pills,
stretching bones, painfully.
Building muscle, removing curves

Would it be wrong
To compare this
To metamorphosis?

[mitsuch]

I was really really moved by your poem. Mostly because I've been actively involved with problems of identity and sex. I think what Todd has said is apt, however for me, personally, this pure raw form of the poem holds the greatest meaning to me. I would be able to tell if a poem has been workshopped over years and years but frankly I believe this poem is such an amazingly apt description of the problems that this part of our community faces. It is just very clean and I really enjoyed that. I would just have one suggestion, in the line -
"Chemicals and hormone pills" - it could be made clearer and sharper such as "Shots and pills," or something of that nature as to not complicate the line and keep the power.
This is completely my personal opinion as someone who is deep into exactly what youre speaking of. I loved the title. People may not agree with me, but I feel that even if this may not be the best version of this poem, it is the true version.