Will Shakes His Peers

[RC James]

What a rascal you were, in the guise
of a wit-riddled playwright inventing
realities above the din of lesser men,
shallow in their contumely for you. 

Ah, but you veiled in a maze of rhyme
contempt for worrisome detractors each,
covered the field in glory manifest above,
with music of language alone, mannered
where necessary, but always, with reason.

How we lack a visage akin to yours nowadays,
how thirsty we are for wit perched upon 
the brink of danger and hoary escapades.

We missed by centuries the rapture when Juliet
wakes to find Romeo’s still body next to her;
the first night silence, beyond applause, at the end.

Now, let us bend a knee and issue learned praise,
this, your world, above all others, holds sway
with us today, no other works shine just so.







What a rascal you were, in the guise
of godly apparition spouting verities
heard above the din of lesser men,
shallow in their contumely for you.

Ah, but you veiled in glissading rhyme
contempt for worrisome detractors each,
covered the field in glory manifest above,
with music of your fulsome brow, mannered
where necessary, but always, within reason.

We missed the first night’s fervent hush
when Juliet wakes to find Romeo’s still body,
and the silence, beyond applause, at the end.

We lack a visage akin to yours nowadays.
We are thirsty for wit perched upon
the brink of danger and hoary escapades.

Now, let us bend a knee and issue learned praise,
this, your world, above all others, holds sway
in our minds and hearts, no other shines just so.

[Brownlie]

Take my comments with a grain of salt. I like odes, and this one's on the man with quite possibly the juiciest bald pate of all time. 

What a rascal you were, to be precise, -- why are you being precise here?
a godly apparition spouting verities -- OK, seems like Shakespeare with some pithy one liners or two-page fart jokes.
heard above the din of lesser men,
shallow in their contumely for you. -- This positions the speaker as an aesthete. 

Ah, but you veiled in glissading rhyme
contempt for worrisome detractors each,
covered the field in glory manifest above, -- Manifest above seems like an inversion
with music of your fulsome brow, mannered
where necessary, but always, within reason. -- I think there are too many nonessential clauses/phrases.

We missed the first night’s fervent hush
when Juliet wakes to find Romeo’s still body, -- If your bringing in Romeo and Juliet it better be good. You know to say something new and different about it. 
and the silence, beyond applause, at the end.

We lack a visage akin to yours nowadays.
We are thirsty for wit perched upon
the brink of danger and hoary escapades. -- Hey, if we thirsted for it, we might have it. Think of all the crap we built from supply and demand.

Now, let us bend a knee and issue learned praise, -- The way it's written, I read this as learn-ed praise, which makes it sound archaic. That could be good if intentional.
this, your world, above all others, holds sway
in our minds and hearts, no other shines just so. 

First of all great job. Better than any stinking drek I've plopped from my sphincter of a mouth. 

That being said, this doesn't sound like an original voice. Normally, I hate the word "voice." I guess it means speak from the heart but still make it sound elegant or still make sound match sense or something.

To sum up, "find your voice" seems like some useless pointer you would throw out when searching for some vague tip. You may, for instance, throw that tip out with some accompanied reading out of a well known anthology. So, I guess that's what I'm giving you, a useless pointer. Good luck.

[RC James]

Take my comments with a grain of salt. I like odes, and this one's on the man with quite possibly the juiciest bald pate of all time. 

What a rascal you were, to be precise, -- why are you being precise here?
a godly apparition spouting verities -- OK, seems like Shakespeare with some pithy one liners or two-page fart jokes.
heard above the din of lesser men,
shallow in their contumely for you. -- This positions the speaker as an aesthete. 

Ah, but you veiled in glissading rhyme
contempt for worrisome detractors each,
covered the field in glory manifest above, -- Manifest above seems like an inversion
with music of your fulsome brow, mannered
where necessary, but always, within reason. -- I think there are too many nonessential clauses/phrases.

We missed the first night’s fervent hush
when Juliet wakes to find Romeo’s still body, -- If your bringing in Romeo and Juliet it better be good. You know to say something new and different about it. 
and the silence, beyond applause, at the end.

We lack a visage akin to yours nowadays.
We are thirsty for wit perched upon
the brink of danger and hoary escapades. -- Hey, if we thirsted for it, we might have it. Think of all the crap we built from supply and demand.

Now, let us bend a knee and issue learned praise, -- The way it's written, I read this as learn-ed praise, which makes it sound archaic. That could be good if intentional.
this, your world, above all others, holds sway
in our minds and hearts, no other shines just so. 

First of all great job. Better than any stinking drek I've plopped from my sphincter of a mouth. 

That being said, this doesn't sound like an original voice. Normally, I hate the word "voice." I guess it means speak from the heart but still make it sound elegant or still make sound match sense or something.

To sum up, "find your voice" seems like some useless pointer you would throw out when searching for some vague tip. You may, for instance, throw that tip out with some accompanied reading out of a well known anthology. So, I guess that's what I'm giving you, a useless pointer. Good luck.

[Achebe]

I thought at first that this is a 'found' poem, with every line from somewhere in the Canon. While that might still be the case, I am less inclined to think that way now.
The poem reads disjointed to me, where you're moving from talking about Shakespeare's trashing his rivals in verse, to a performance of R&J, to a summation of how he's the greatest. There's too much telling and not enough showing, to use a hackneyed phrase.

What a rascal you were, in the guise
of godly apparition spouting verities ....he didn't become a godly apparition until after his death. In his own lifetime, Shakespeare was highly respected as an accomplished playwright and successful businessman, but not the god-like figure he became later on. So 'were in the guise of' is incorrect.
heard above the din of lesser men,
shallow in their contumely for you. ...Ah yes, Greene

Ah, but you veiled in glissading rhyme ...not sure how you can 'veil' something in something that's 'glissading' i.e. sliding down
contempt for worrisome detractors each, 
covered the field in glory manifest above,
with music of your fulsome brow, mannered ...Unless someone's playing Will's bald pate for a bongo, not sure how the 'brow' can have 'music'. I suppose you are speaking metaphorically, but it's a pretty weak metaphor.
where necessary, but always, within reason. ...nice

We missed the first night’s fervent hush
when Juliet wakes to find Romeo’s still body, ...abrupt shift to the present time. The poet seems to be talking about a recent performance of R&J, but it's not heard again after this strophe.
and the silence, beyond applause, at the end.

We lack a visage akin to yours nowadays.
We are thirsty for wit perched upon
the brink of danger and hoary escapades. ...'thirsty', 'perched' and 'brink' go well together, but 'visage' in the first line is generic. How about 'We lack the pool from where you drank, remain / thirsty etc.'

Now, let us bend a knee and issue learned praise,
this, your world, above all others, holds sway
in our minds and hearts, no other shines just so. ...'holds sway',  'minds and hearts', and the whole idea of a luminary being a planet brighter than others all sound like Shakespearean cliches -  perhaps that's the intention.

[RC James]

The inclusion of R&J is to give it some grounding, and refers to the premier performance in Shakespéare's time.  Brow, for me, includes the mind.

If he became a godly apparition after his death there must have been some reason for it while he was alive., and that's what I was going with. The rhyme is veiled yes even while it's glissading, as musically a piece descends.

and yes, the final stanza uses some archaisms intentionally. RC