Neither Heaven or Hell.

[billy]

It may be the finest place to see
if that’s where all the sinners go;
to wait while others of a much more
steadfast nature flow
in holy equilibrium
through Peters pearly gate.

“Afraid not you
my dear chap, you sinned.
if it were only up to me!
The boss has said for you
it cannot in a month
of holy Sundays be.
You have to make up
for past deeds
returning here upon another day”

For sinners such as me
and friends who
sinned beside my soul
there is no finer place to be.
than purgatory
tight and full to overflow

[addy]

If it could be considered at all a critique, I found it too short and want more. The setup was really good, though i still wanted something between the second and third stanza where I could further relish the them and the contrasts it elicits, broadening the story further. But it's excellent, and the closing lines were pitch perfect

[Lawrence]

Overall clever, with a really cool rhyme scheme that kept me interested.

Just a thought or two......

"returning here upon another day”
Sounds a bit clumsy. I can't tell you how I'd remedy that, though. Maybe it's just my ear

"Afraid not you(?)
my dear chap,"
I get what you're doing, but the "you/my" threw me off for a second. I just stumbled on it; perhaps omit the "you" and change that line around? Again, just my opinion

Don't touch the last verse. Perfect.

[heslopian]

I like the message of this poem, and there are some very good lines, but the syntax seems a bit slapdash, and the construction a trifle messy.

It may be the finest place to see In my opinion, this opening line doesn't really make sense. It reads like you were trying to compress all your thoughts into a straightforward sentence, but in doing so produced the exact opposite: a strangely convoluted one. Would it work better as something like this: "if that's where all the sinners go/it's where I want to be"?
if that’s where all the sinners go;
to wait while others of a much more
steadfast nature flow
in holy equilibrium
through Peters pearly gate. Love the idea of flowing in equilibrium, but for me this sentence just goes on and on. Would it work better as: "while those more honest than myself/flow in equilibrium,/massed at Peter's pearly gate"?

“Afraid not you
my dear chap, you sinned. "Afraid not you"? How about something like: "Halt where you stand,/you gross scoundrel." Don't think you really need "you sinned." Removing it might make the line a wee bit more subtle.
if it were only up to me!
The boss has said for you
it cannot in a month
of holy Sundays be. I think you sacrificed cohesion in order to create a rhyme here, a cardinal sin in my book. Also, like with the last line of the first verse, this seems too elongated.
You have to make up
for past deeds
returning here upon another day” Same problem. Too long and confusingly put together. How about something like: "before entrance you must atone,/return when your sins are cleansed."

For sinners such as me
and friends who
sinned beside my soul
there is no finer place to be. Excellent. For once the elongation and odd syntax works, and doesn't trip me up when reading. Though I'd recommend placing a word comprised of two short syllables before "sinners such as me." "Wicked," perhaps.
than purgatory
tight and full to overflow This finale seems unnecessary (IMHO). I'd recommend changing the title to just "Purgatory" (unless you want to be subtle) so the audience know what you're talking about, and ending the poem with the previous line.

Sorry if my critique reads like a mean, brutal rewrite. I think this poem has promise, and the occasional witty remark (such as we expect from a Marsland poem) but needs extensive editing.

[Lawrence]

Woah, suddenly Hes enters combat mode.

I personally like the last stanza, although he DID catch something I missed....
"I think you sacrificed cohesion in order to create a rhyme here, a cardinal sin in my book. Also, like with the last line of the first verse, this seems too elongated."

I concur.

[heslopian]

I said that I liked the poem's message, that it has some very good lines, and the occasional witty remark, "such as we expect from a Marsland poem." How is that combatant?

[billy]

please go easy on me 'cause english isn't my native language but is the title correct?

either ____ or ____

neither ____ nor ____

^^ shouldn't it work like that?

you may be right bob, i'll check it out, thanks for the feedback.

lawrence

Overall clever, with a really cool rhyme scheme that kept me interested.

Just a thought or two......

"returning here upon another day”
Sounds a bit clumsy. I can't tell you how I'd remedy that, though. Maybe it's just my ear Tongue

"Afraid not you(?)
my dear chap,"
I get what you're doing, but the "you/my" threw me off for a second. I just stumbled on it; perhaps omit the "you" and change that line around? Again, just my opinion

Don't touch the last verse. Perfect.

thanks for the feedback lawrence, i'll see what i can use on the edit.

by jack
I like the message of this poem, and there are some very good lines, but the syntax seems a bit slapdash, and the construction a trifle messy.

(14-11-10 06:59)billy Wrote: It may be the finest place to see In my opinion, this opening line doesn't really make sense. It reads like you were trying to compress all your thoughts into a straightforward sentence, but in doing so produced the exact opposite: a strangely convoluted one. Would it work better as something like this: "if that's where all the sinners go/it's where I want to be"?
if that’s where all the sinners go;
to wait while others of a much more
steadfast nature flow
in holy equilibrium
through Peters pearly gate. Love the idea of flowing in equilibrium, but for me this sentence just goes on and on. Would it work better as: "while those more honest than myself/flow in equilibrium,/massed at Peter's pearly gate"?

“Afraid not you
my dear chap, you sinned. "Afraid not you"? How about something like: "Halt where you stand,/you gross scoundrel." Don't think you really need "you sinned." Removing it might make the line a wee bit more subtle.
if it were only up to me!
The boss has said for you
it cannot in a month
of holy Sundays be. I think you sacrificed cohesion in order to create a rhyme here, a cardinal sin in my bookSmile. Also, like with the last line of the first verse, this seems too elongated.
You have to make up
for past deeds
returning here upon another day” Same problem. Too long and confusingly put together. How about something like: "before entrance you must atone,/return when your sins are cleansed."

For sinners such as me
and friends who
sinned beside my soul
there is no finer place to be. Excellent. For once the elongation and odd syntax works, and doesn't trip me up when reading. Though I'd recommend placing a word comprised of two short syllables before "sinners such as me." "Wicked," perhaps.
than purgatory
tight and full to overflow This finale seems unnecessary (IMHO). I'd recommend changing the title to just "Purgatory" (unless you want to be subtle) so the audience know what you're talking about, and ending the poem with the previous line.


Sorry if my critique reads like a mean, brutal rewrite. I think this poem has promise, and the occasional witty remark (such as we expect from a Marsland poemSmile) but needs extensive editing.

thanks for the feedback as always jack, i would hate you not to be honest in giving it. i'll see what i can use when i do an edit.

[Lawrence]

Hes, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that, I was just joking!
I do that often, I didn't mean to sound snappy

[billy]

Woah, suddenly Hes enters combat mode.

comment on the poem not the poet or the critic even in fun/admin

I personally like the last stanza, although he DID catch something I missed....
"I think you sacrificed cohesion in order to create a rhyme here, a cardinal sin in my book. Also, like with the last line of the first verse, this seems too elongated."

I concur.

good point both of you .

[heslopian]

Yeah sorry Lawrence, we're cool. I should have mentioned that I'm extremely paranoid haha.

[billy]

I said that I liked the poem's message, that it has some very good lines, and the occasional witty remark, "such as we expect from a Marsland poem." How is that combatant?

this is not lawrences thread,don't respond to what you see as a slur against you in it. respond in the discussion forum/admin

[billy]

If it could be considered at all a critique, I found it too short and want more. The setup was really good, though i still wanted something between the second and third stanza where I could further relish the them and the contrasts it elicits, broadening the story further. But it's excellent, and the closing lines were pitch perfect

thanks for the feedback addy.