Supermoon and Mars

[Tiger the Lion]

Supermoon and Mars
 
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no breath or rosy hue.
There is no life. There are no stars
 
to heal the heinous human scars,
however hard we wish it true.
Between the Supermoon and Mars               
 
the conscience vacillates and spars
with God— when we’ve achieved the coup
there is no life. There are no stars
 
that twinkle in exhibit jars
or birth themselves by some hoodoo
between the Supermoon and Mars.
 
And daddies don’t pass out cigars
to celebrate a salty stew.
There is no life, there are no stars
 
to light the way that hubris bars,
or propagate the me in you.
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no life. There are no stars.

[just mercedes]

Great, clever, careful,, wonderful poem!

[ellajam]

Supermoon and Mars
 
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no breath or rosy hue.
There is no life. There are no stars
 
to heal the heinous human scars,
however hard we wish it true.
Between the Supermoon and Mars               
 
the conscience vacillates and spars
with God— when we’ve achieved the coup
there is no life. There are no stars
 
that twinkle in exhibit jars
or birth themselves by some hoodoo
between the Supermoon and Mars.
 
And daddies don’t pass out cigars
to celebrate a salty stew.
There is no life, there are no stars
 
to light the way that hubris bars,
or propagate the me in you.
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no life. There are no stars.

Lovely and well done. I especially like exhibit jars and hoodoo. The only line that stopped me was salty stew. I've come to oral or conception-blocked sex, I'm on the fence there. I like the line but it sort of stands out as less clear than the rest of the piece. For others that are not quite as slow it may be perfect.

Thanks for posting it, maybe someone with have some more useful critique for you, it seems pretty perfect to me.

[tectak]

Supermoon and Mars
 
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no breath or rosy hue.
There is no life. There are no stars
 
to heal the heinous human scars,
however hard we wish it true.
Between the Supermoon and Mars               
 
the conscience vacillates and spars
with God— when we’ve achieved the coup
there is no life. There are no stars
 
that twinkle in exhibit jars
or birth themselves by some hoodoo
between the Supermoon and Mars.
 
And daddies don’t pass out cigars
to celebrate a salty stew.
There is no life, there are no stars
 
to light the way that hubris bars,
or propagate the me in you.
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no life. There are no stars.

Hi tiger,
Yes to this...where has it been?
The tightness of the three line run can cause problems of the differing continuity which the content tends to force, BUT as far as it goes it goes extremely well.
I take not a lot from the "salty stew" but am man enough to admit that the wordiness works even if it seems that a complete breakdown of simplicity has occurred. I'm not going to ponder on it....that may be good or may be bad but it is contagious in that "to light the way that hubris bars" affects me similarly.
I hoped not to ask for an explanation. Can you explain?
Best,
tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

Mercedes, thank you so much. I really stretched myself with a couple tricky refrains and almost wanted to abort at the third tercet. 

Ella, thanks as always for your response and thoughts. Far be it from the narrator to discourage your love of oral sex. And that's not what was intended by "salty stew" (see below) so please come down from the fence.

Tec, it certainly is wordy. The more I read it aloud the more I realized it took practice to real aloud.  "Salty stew" was only meant as a reference to the highly saline water on Mars and a comparison to our own primordial ooze. As it's caused a hiccup with both you and Ella, I will rethink it. (I'm not sure if that's what you wanted me to explain??) It was meant to be a simple observation on the value we attribute to even the possibility of simple life on other planets and the disregard we have for it here at home. I don't think it's overly political to admit a disconnect. It could have just as easily talked about trees as embryos.

Thanks everyone,
Paul

[ellajam]

  It was trying to figure out this that led me astray:

And daddies don’t pass out cigars
to celebrate a salty stew.
There is no life,

You never know what readers are going to do to your words.

[CRNDLSM]

Supermoon and Mars
 
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no breath or rosy hue.
There is no life. There are no stars
 
to heal the heinous human scars,
however hard we wish it true.
Between the Supermoon and Mars               
 
the conscience vacillates and spars
with God— when we’ve achieved the coup this sentence doesnt seem to flow like the rest because of 'there is no life'.  Maybe a comma here?
there is no life. There are no stars
 
that twinkle in exhibit jars
or birth themselves by some hoodoo  This is my favorite sentence, nice use of hoodoo and jars
between the Supermoon and Mars.
 
And daddies don’t pass out cigars   I really dont like starting a sentence with 'and' but i hear the rhythm.   daddies seems too informal unscientific
to celebrate a salty stew.                 stew, i feel like you wrote out all these rhymes, and picked the most eccentric
There is no life, there are no stars
 
to light the way that hubris bars,  hubris bars is great i will remember this line
or propagate the me in you.        but i dont understand this line, i feel like its either the most or the least important, and the rest of the poem doesnt tell me which
Between the Supermoon and Mars
there is no life. There are no stars.


i love this style, im really terrible about splitting sentences up like this and envy other's use of punctuation, good good job