Skeleton On The Sea Floor -- revision

[Lizzie]

At the risk of sounding ignorant...

Yes, there a natural flow to the poem, yes the words you've chosen work well from an acoustic standpoint...

But When I think skeletons... I'm thinking skeletons in the closets, or something like that. The pictures you paint in the poem are of decay... but I don't think your poem makes the connection between the decay and the skeleton.... some have said (reading the crit) that the poem is about a woman realizing how far she has come but.... I don't get that... the poem is filled with negative connotation. This is, at best, the onset of a midlife crisis... I just can't quite make the significance of the skeleton....

the seabed works as in being underwater, unable to breath... ties in nicely... but..

Ok. This is discouraging, because I try to reach everyone with my poems. I feel like you've left much the same crit on all of my pieces that you've commented on, and so I'm not sure how to respond. I think we're on different wavelengths.

[QDeathstar]

I see no reason to be terse. I was just offering an alternate interpretation. If the poem is about growth, then I might include more possitive imagery because right now it reads very different to me.

[EarthwareVessel]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I love the progression here. You lead with the title and the reader expects something about a skeleton and an ocean, but you take that feeling of expectation and develop it into a poem about sadness. Things like "unable to breath", "weight fell...", "decomposes", and "lungs to surrender" remind us about the title again. Very nice. Maybe to enhance this development take "clinically depressed" and replace it with something less obvious to preserve a sense of subtlety? I feel like opening with that is a little glaring and detracts from the awesome structure you have developed.

[nikkisto]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I've been coming back to this poem for quite a while now, I've wanted to find some solid crit to add before commenting and I struggled to find something meaningful to add. Having said that, I will comment anyway lol Because I think that you've done a great job. I love the imagery of the title and it's link to the depression. And it says something to me that the imagery of the title holds throughout the poem despite what is rather straight forward, not overly flowery language. It's such a short poem to hold such a clear message, well done! I keep coming back to it.

[Lizzie]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I love the progression here. You lead with the title and the reader expects something about a skeleton and an ocean, but you take that feeling of expectation and develop it into a poem about sadness. Things like "unable to breath", "weight fell...", "decomposes", and "lungs to surrender" remind us about the title again. Very nice. Maybe to enhance this development take "clinically depressed" and replace it with something less obvious to preserve a sense of subtlety? I feel like opening with that is a little glaring and detracts from the awesome structure you have developed.

Hi EarthwareVessel, welcome to the site
Thanks for your comments, I'll utilize them in the revision. Thanks for letting me know what's working for you.

Cheers!
lizziep

---

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I've been coming back to this poem for quite a while now, I've wanted to find some solid crit to add before commenting and I struggled to find something meaningful to add. Having said that, I will comment anyway lol Because I think that you've done a great job. I love the imagery of the title and it's link to the depression. And it says something to me that the imagery of the title holds throughout the poem despite what is rather straight forward, not overly flowery language. It's such a short poem to hold such a clear message, well done! I keep coming back to it.

Thanks for your kind words, nikkisto
I've been meaning to get to at least one of your poems that's in serious workshopping, and this is a good reminder for me that I need to do that. I like your work.

Thanks again,
lizziep

[Donald Q.]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress  Not sure about 'as one', on first reading it trips a little 
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell 'decomposes into couch  cushions' is fantastic
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender. The verb tenses in this line and the previous one are a bit muddling 
It just appeared there one day, like a woman I like the repetition of your opening phrase
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels, Also like the mundane contrasting with the surreal images you've already set up
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids, 
unable to breathe.

I am being nitpicky with my crit because I think there's a lot to like in this poem, it grabbed me instantly and I love the title. I would say that the second half of the poem needs to be either more abstract or more descriptive, because at the moment the images of a mid life crisis are perhaps a little generic? I do like the contrast with the first half, but I feel like the flow and imagery need to be really tight so you can really capitalise on that feeling of constriction you are working at. 
I really look forward to seeing an edit here, I enjoyed reading this !

[Lizzie]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress  Not sure about 'as one', on first reading it trips a little 
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell 'decomposes into couch  cushions' is fantastic
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender. The verb tenses in this line and the previous one are a bit muddling 
It just appeared there one day, like a woman I like the repetition of your opening phrase
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels, Also like the mundane contrasting with the surreal images you've already set up
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids, 
unable to breathe.

I am being nitpicky with my crit because I think there's a lot to like in this poem, it grabbed me instantly and I love the title. I would say that the second half of the poem needs to be either more abstract or more descriptive, because at the moment the images of a mid life crisis are perhaps a little generic? I do like the contrast with the first half, but I feel like the flow and imagery need to be really tight so you can really capitalise on that feeling of constriction you are working at. 
I really look forward to seeing an edit here, I enjoyed reading this !

Hi Donald! Good to see you back on the site
When you say that the imagery needs to be tight, I'm thinking that it needs to be concrete. No? I'm getting confused because you're saying that it might need to be more abstract. Sorry, I just am so confused. I want to make sure I'm getting it.

But, thank you for all the suggestions, and it's not nitpicky.

[Donald Q.]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress  Not sure about 'as one', on first reading it trips a little 
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell 'decomposes into couch  cushions' is fantastic
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender. The verb tenses in this line and the previous one are a bit muddling 
It just appeared there one day, like a woman I like the repetition of your opening phrase
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels, Also like the mundane contrasting with the surreal images you've already set up
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids, 
unable to breathe.

I am being nitpicky with my crit because I think there's a lot to like in this poem, it grabbed me instantly and I love the title. I would say that the second half of the poem needs to be either more abstract or more descriptive, because at the moment the images of a mid life crisis are perhaps a little generic? I do like the contrast with the first half, but I feel like the flow and imagery need to be really tight so you can really capitalise on that feeling of constriction you are working at. 
I really look forward to seeing an edit here, I enjoyed reading this !

Hi Donald! Good to see you back on the site
When you say that the imagery needs to be tight, I'm thinking that it needs to be concrete. No? I'm getting confused because you're saying that it might need to be more abstract. Sorry, I just am so confused. I want to make sure I'm getting it.

But, thank you for all the suggestions, and it's not nitpicky.

Cheers, enjoying my visits here 
Sorry, I know 'tight' is a bit unclear, what I mean by it is that I think the second half needs to work harder; that perhaps the flow and imagery could be made to work more effectively. When it comes to concrete or abstract, I think it's a decision for you to make, but at the moment I feel the imagery of the shoes, desk and family doesn't give us enough in either content or delivery. It's an underwater poem, so of course I want you to go deeper!

[Lizzie]

I am being nitpicky with my crit because I think there's a lot to like in this poem, it grabbed me instantly and I love the title. I would say that the second half of the poem needs to be either more abstract or more descriptive, because at the moment the images of a mid life crisis are perhaps a little generic? I do like the contrast with the first half, but I feel like the flow and imagery need to be really tight so you can really capitalise on that feeling of constriction you are working at. 
I really look forward to seeing an edit here, I enjoyed reading this !

Hi Donald! Good to see you back on the site
When you say that the imagery needs to be tight, I'm thinking that it needs to be concrete. No? I'm getting confused because you're saying that it might need to be more abstract. Sorry, I just am so confused. I want to make sure I'm getting it.

But, thank you for all the suggestions, and it's not nitpicky.

Cheers, enjoying my visits here 
Sorry, I know 'tight' is a bit unclear, what I mean by it is that I think the second half needs to work harder; that perhaps the flow and imagery could be made to work more effectively. When it comes to concrete or abstract, I think it's a decision for you to make, but at the moment I feel the imagery of the shoes, desk and family doesn't give us enough in either content or delivery. It's an underwater poem, so of course I want you to go deeper!

Thanks for coming back to the question, DQ. Oh, wait. I guess I'll have to stop being lazy and say Donald. Ha!

I'll certainly give some thought to this. Thanks so much for taking the time.

[Lizzie]

New revision is up. Am I heading in the right direction?

Thank you, thank you to everyone who stopped by to read and offered suggestions for revision. The comments have been invaluable.

[Achebe]

New revision is up. Am I heading in the right direction?

Thank you, thank you to everyone who stopped by to read and offered suggestions for revision. The comments have been invaluable.

Doesn't work as a prose poem. Prose naturally engages the mind more than the heart, so  in my opinion prose poems work well if they are descriptive and detail-oriented rather than inward looking, if you know what I mean.
 If you're having reconciling different bits of feedback (and by no means do you need to take on board any or all of the feedback - sometimes it's well meant but worthless, mine included), then just leave the work as it is. Maybe you'll find a better way of revising it in the future, but if not just let it be.

[Donald Q.]

I will critique this edit if you line break it; I'm with Achebe on thinking this isn't a prose poem.

[Lizzie]

Ok, a version with line breaks is up. Thanks Achebe and DQ for your input, as always.

lizziep

[Donald Q.]

Her skeleton just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed, I think 'her skeleton' is too much too soon. 'It just appeared..' was nice, I think, although you can make 'the skeleton' work maybe? 
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress Still like the depressed / mattress link 
or decomposes into couch cushions.
Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, I don't think you need both 'already and 'lay' , feel like each word gets in the other's way
like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair Tense clashes with previous line a bit
or underneath a love seat. Her breastbone shattered I think chose one between chair and love seat and run with one. I love the comparison between the sand and the sofa gap abyss .
from the ocean's pressure, leaving her ribs to reach up Cool image
in wonderment at its absence. The weight
of the water fell over her face like a thick blanket Don't think you need 'fell over' .Fewer / different words could work better for the flow of the line i think 
as she slept, convincing her mind to keep dreaming
and her lungs to surrender.

She just appeared there one day,
a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped Good use of strapped 
into sensible brown heels, and settled
behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

Just a few pointers, glad you are working on this poem there's some really good stuff here that you are starting to bring to fruition.

[Lizzie]

Thanks so much for you thoughts, DQ. Very helpful. ><
I hope to have another version up for consideration quite soon.

[QDeathstar]

I think this edit does a lot to clarify your meaning. Breaking into two stanzas makes it easier to create the parallels required to make the poem work.

[newmystic]

Her skeleton just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed,
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions.
Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt,
like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair
or underneath a love seat. Her breastbone shattered
from the ocean's pressure, leaving her ribs to reach up
in wonderment at its absence. The weight
of the water fell over her face like a thick blanket
as she slept, convincing her mind to keep dreaming
and her lungs to surrender.

She just appeared there one day,
a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped
into sensible heels, and settled
behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I like it.  but I would drop the capitalization. it tends to distract.

also there is a mixed metaphor of someone underwater with someone on a couch/mattress. maybe a line to link the two metaphors?

I love this line: "Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, 

like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair" - very haunting

maybe add another line: tumbling like shells into the deep abyss (I know that's a bit cliche, but just an idea).

Matthew

[Erthona]

Although thematically the topic is a bit overdone, your perception of it adds a freshness to it. S2 is excellent, I think that S1 could be chopped down some as it is a bit verbose and repetitive, making it seem a bit forced. As this is in mild I'll leave it at that.

Best,

dale

[Achebe]

Her  bones appeared one day, fused to the seabed,
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions, 
ribs reaching up in wonderment. The weight 
of the water fell over her face like a blanket as she slept, 
convincing her mind to keep dreaming 
and lungs to surrender.

She just appeared there one day,
a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped
into sensible heels, and settled
behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

Her skeleton just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed, as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress or decomposes into couch cushions. Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair or underneath a love seat. Her breastbone shattered from the ocean's pressure, leaving her ribs to reach up in wonderment at its absence. The weight of the water fell over her face like a thick blanket as she slept, convincing her mind to keep dreaming and her lungs to surrender. She just appeared there one day, a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped into sensible brown heels, and settled behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids, unable to breathe.

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

?

[Lizzie]

Her  bones appeared one day, fused to the seabed,
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions, 
ribs reaching up in wonderment. The weight 
of the water fell over her face like a blanket as she slept, 
convincing her mind to keep dreaming 
and lungs to surrender.

She just appeared there one day,
a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped
into sensible heels, and settled
behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

Her skeleton just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed, as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress or decomposes into couch cushions. Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair or underneath a love seat. Her breastbone shattered from the ocean's pressure, leaving her ribs to reach up in wonderment at its absence. The weight of the water fell over her face like a thick blanket as she slept, convincing her mind to keep dreaming and her lungs to surrender. She just appeared there one day, a woman of thirty-five, feet strapped into sensible brown heels, and settled behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids, unable to breathe.

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

?

>< :*

---

I think this edit does a lot to clarify your meaning. Breaking into two stanzas makes it easier to create the parallels required to make the poem work.

Thanks for coming back to it, Deathstar. I agree about the stanza break.

---

I like it.  but I would drop the capitalization. it tends to distract.

also there is a mixed metaphor of someone underwater with someone on a couch/mattress. maybe a line to link the two metaphors?

I love this line: "Half her bones already lay concealed in the silt, 

like puzzle pieces disappear down the sides of a chair" - very haunting

maybe add another line: tumbling like shells into the deep abyss (I know that's a bit cliche, but just an idea).

Matthew

Welcome to the site, Matthew! Thanks for the read and for offering up some ideas. It's been pared back to the basics for now so that I can get the voice back under control, and then I'll see about adding other elements in. Thanks for letting me know what you liked and didn't like about it, that's helpful.