Salt Lines

[poet-rice]

Edit 1.

Salt Lines

Carriage jungle shudders 
carry offending souls wayward
touched on to stale eye flickers,
close vacancy, loose cares.  
Unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white
light lies of thumbed palms,
dumbed psalms of 
daily deliverance. 
Un-held sways distract headlight  
plays to that sound: rhinestone brakes

Routine sits considered among his   
friends Numb and Bedrock. 
no words worth utter, no pleasantries. 
they remained, to lacerate. 
Unshaken by crack white slaves 
or ignorant children of infants. 
They stand, statue to like of concern
or played apathy to road line, 
not interest, least curious.

Carriage jungle shudders 
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter fakes folly as 
Routine holds that pass of clean air.   
Blackbirds 
murdered for drama-less plays. 
End-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy as strangled minds tore tangled vine.   
let them off at the next  
last stop.  


Salt Lines (Original)

Carriage jungle shudders 
carry offending souls wayward
touched on to stale eye flickers,
close vacancy, loose cares.
unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white
light lies of thumbed palms,
dumbed psalms of 
daily deliverance. 
un held sways distract headlight 
plays to that sound. rhinestone brakes.
Routine sat considered among his 
friends Numb and Bedrock. 
no words worth utter, no pleasantries. 
they remained, to lacerate. 
unshaken by crack white slaves 
or ignorant children of infants. 
they stood, statue to like of concern
or played apathy to road line, 
not interest, least curious.

Carriage jungle shudders 
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter, fakes folly as 
Routine clung to clean air. 
blackbirds 
murdered for drama-less plays. 
end-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy to strangled mind from tangled vine. 
let me off at the next 
last stop.

[dukealien]

Mysterious and atmospheric.  I get the pictures (after a brief confusion over "carriages" - in the States this conjures up images of a brougham or magic pumpkin-coach rather than a railway carriage - what would be called here a "passenger car" or "commuter coach" - no critique there, just dialect).  See below the line-by-line for general notes.

Salt Lines

Carriage jungle shudders 
carry offending souls wayward
touched on to stale eye flickers,
close vacancy, loose cares.  nice alliteration, close and loose - one of many
unwashed men in sweat salt
 caps consider the white
light lies of thumbed palms,
dumbed psalms of 
daily deliverance. 
un held sways distract headlight  perhaps un-held or unheld?
plays to that sound. rhinestone brakes. 
Routine sat considered among his   Going from general to specific here - a blank line preceding?
friends Numb and Bedrock. 
no words worth utter, no pleasantries. 
they remained, to lacerate. 
unshaken by crack white slaves 
or ignorant children of infants. 
they stood, statue to like of concern
or played apathy to road line, 
not interest, least curious.

Carriage jungle shudders 
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter, fakes folly as   is comma here necessary?
Routine clung to clean air.   example of mixing past and present tense (this line and last) - see below
blackbirds 
murdered for drama-less plays. 
end-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy to strangled mind from tangled vine.  
let me off at the next   "me" (after "her") introduced suddenly here
last stop.  Couldn't help thinking of Isadora Duncan's freak accidental death ("blackbirds" to here) - personal quirk

Quite enjoyable, after a read or two.  General critiques, mostly technical in nature:

- Capitalization and punctuation:  You begin each stanza with a capital letter, and capitalize proper names (Routine, Numb, and Bedrock).  But you do not capitalize the word after a period (beginning of a new sentence).  Unless "Carriage" is also a proper name, you might consider lower-case "C" for it or, alternatively, capitalize the first word of each new sentence.

- Verb tense (past/present):  You mix past and present tense in a way that might confuse some readers, for example "fakes" and "clung" (present and past tense) very close to each other as noted above.  As an experiment, you might try making all verbs present tense ("Routine sits") or all past tense ("Carriage jungle shuddered") and see how you like it.

- Introductions and point of view:  You introduce two new (?) characters, "her" and "me," close to the end of the poem.  Is this Routine thinking about how he ("me") will explain to "her" why he's so late?  The change from third person narrative to first person may need a hint to readers.

- Very technical:  Routine is positioned in relation to two others, Numb and Bedrock.  "Between" rather than "among" comes to mind here, though if N and B are multiple or somewhat nebulous, "among" is a nice variation.

In general:  The more I look at this, the more I find ("Salt Lines" for railway lines, for example).  Some editing could make your poem more quickly accessible.

[poet-rice]

Thank you for reading and taking the time with my work, It means a lot.

Cheers,

Poet-rice

P.S. The Carriage on the Salt Lines is a reference to Australian trams

[Gabriel.k.Jones]

Carriage jungle shudders
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter fakes folly as
Routine holds that pass of clean air.
Blackbirds
murdered for drama-less plays.
End-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy as strangled minds tore tangled vine.
let them off at the next
last stop.

--- This verse caught my attention. Witnessing an excitement with the creative process. You built this poem with a nice opening and I enjoyed how you closed it. You brought as back to the beginning.
I will not pretend that I know what you're trying to say here.


Carriage jungle shudders
carry offending souls wayward

--- I enjoy this opening, it took me several reads to get a clear picture, however it brings me a sense of a time where there were horse and carriages. This one may, perhaps be carrying prisoner or slaves.

Unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white

--- Unwashed men in sweat salt caps, gives an image of workers now. Workers who have been under the sun from mornings first light. I play it in my mind as one man taking off the salt stained hat and wiping the sweat from his forehead, squinting from the warm light that shines down into his face.


Routine sits considered among his
friends Numb and Bedrock.
no words worth utter, no pleasantries.

--- I enjoyed reading this piece, the more I read the more I find new treasures.

Thanks for sharing.

[Shay]

The title is rather intriguing and evokes a subtle connotation of modern and abstract elements. The overall composition of this seems to be impressive, with a straightforward, yet very effortless approach. I also really appreciate that you employed a nice balance of (effective) alliterations and some unconventional phraseologies. 

Salt Lines

Carriage jungle shudders 
carry offending souls wayward
touched on to stale eye flickers,
close vacancy, loose cares.  
Unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white
light lies of thumbed palms,
dumbed psalms of 
daily deliverance. - Great usage of some stylistic devices here, I also love the assonance play of "palms/psalms".
Un-held sways distract headlight  
plays to that sound: rhinestone brakes

Routine sits considered among his   
friends Numb and Bedrock. - This segment indeed has a (for me rather subtle) change in narrative, appearing to be of deductive nature. I think the transition here could have been done in a slightly smoother pattern, perhaps a higher degree of detail could have been employed.
no words worth utter, no pleasantries. 
they remained, to lacerate. 
Unshaken by crack white slaves 
or ignorant children of infants. - 
They stand, statue to like of concern
or played apathy to road line, 
not interest, least curious.

Carriage jungle shudders 
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter fakes folly as 
Routine holds that pass of clean air.   
Blackbirds - Punctuation in this segment could enhance the smoothness of the read here, maybe a comma or a combination to the preceding sentence could be integrated. But it doesn't immediately distract from the relevance here.  
murdered for drama-less plays. - I can't really tell what it is, but this was one of the highlights which this work harbours. It seems to be straightforward, but very effective in a amazingly subtle way. I think this is beautifully written, for the contrast creation alone. 
End-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy as strangled minds tore tangled vine.   
let them off at the next  
last stop.  - The ending now leads to a more thorough depiction of the final scenery - I think it is expertly conveyed. 

Overall, this was a rather unique display of a very interesting concept and I enjoyed the slightly abstract and vague basis of this. I do agree that the technical aspect could be more thoroughly emphasised here, such as with regard to punctuation and the capitalisation (which has been pointed out earlier). I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

[Erthona]

I would like to do a critique as this reads wonderful in terms of the sound of the language, but there are too many colloquialisms of which I have no knowledge to make much sense of this. I would encourage more grammatical writing and the use of capitols to start sentences (Oh wait that might be more in the original). The following line is evocative unfortunately it is simply a dependant clause pretending to be a sentence.

"Unshaken by crack white slaves or ignorant children of infants."

One assumes that "they" refers to Routine, Numb and Bedrock?

Of course the placement of the "white" seems to make it read a bit awkward, but I have no idea how to remedy such.

This poem could be commentary on a social issue, say the impotence and insensitivity of government, or simply a description. In the sense that it travels (so to speak) and how it uses words it reminds me of howl on a smaller scale.

My most biting commentary is it is lacking in terms of universality; in terms of readership. It should be headed, for Aussies only. Unfortunate, I think I would have enjoyed it had I been able to understand it (I did read up on the Australian tram-line and it's history, unfortunately it gained me no insight).

dale

[poet-rice]

Thank you for the thoughts,

poet-rice