EDIT Cleaning

[kolemath]

EDIT 1

Cleaning

In the attic
rat habitat
leavings of paper nests and insulation
dust kaleidoscope glittering the one light bulb cloud of tingling nose feathers and sneezing
shifting boxes of holy clothes, mangled papers, forgotten toys
until I find the bottom,
a faded flannel shirt that mommy wore
pregnant as the moon-shaped smell of sour milk in circles on the fabric.

I fold the flannel neatly into her drawer.

When I'm nothing
more than dirt in the air
and you find this precious faded fabric
moth eaten, rat nested and rotten
you'll throw it out, disgusted someone could keep
that?

But I'm still here reminding why,
whoever's there to bless your sneezing.




 FIRST DRAFT
Spring Cleaning
 
Springing into action
with the warming ground,
 
birds scouring the lawn for twigs,
bears at berry bushes,
 
I am in the closets and attic
throwing things out
the windows and doors.
 
Holy sweatshirts.  Mangled papers.  Neglected toys.
A cloud of dust and sneezing.
 
At the bottom of the piles,
a faded flannel shirt
my wife wore
pregnant as the moon
and breast feeding.
 
The smell of sour milk in the fabric.
 
I fold the shirt neatly into her drawer.
 
When I’m nothing more
than the dust you sneeze out
and you find this precious flannel fabric
moth eaten and rotten
 
you’ll throw it out, disgusted
someone could keep that?
 
But I’ll be there to remind you why,
whoever’s there to bless you.

[Keith]

 
Spring Cleaning
 
Springing into action
with the warming ground, This is a weak opening and not needed given the title.
 
birds scouring the lawn for twigs, same here, I do understand you are trying draw in nature but these two lines are bland.
bears at berry bushes, nice alteration but not sure where its going.
 
I am in the closets and attic For me the poem stats here, pick one...closets or attic and show it to the reader
throwing things out
the windows and doors. again, I want to see more feed my imagination.
 
Holy sweatshirts.  Mangled papers.  Neglected toys.
A cloud of dust and sneezing. I like this I'm getting into the poem and its setting now
 
At the bottom of the piles,
a faded flannel shirt
my wife wore
pregnant as the moon lovely, really got me involved at this point and delightful image.
and breast feeding. not needed given the next line which really hits the senses in a nice sickly sweet way
 
The smell of sour milk in the fabric.yes this one
 
I fold the shirt neatly into her drawer.
 
When I’m nothing more
than the dust you sneeze out nice loop back to the room and the significance of the insignificant.
and you find this precious flannel fabric
moth eaten and rotten good images
 
you’ll throw it out, disgusted
someone could keep that? I can see this happening again works well for me
 
But I’ll be there to remind you why,
whoever’s there to bless you. The end pair needs sorting out, it doesn't really make sense to me and to be honest I wanted something more of a declaration or better still a hint at some insight.

Hi Kolemath
I like the idea behind this and the sentiment for me as a reader is very strong, child and mother memories that are given an opportunity to exist beyond those who remember whats behind them, very nice. I think you need to pair the whole piece back, really set the scene and make the idea stand out. I have some comment above and it may seem harsh but I do hope it helps. Thanks for posting. Best Keith

[kolemath]

Thanks for your input, Keith.  I tried to revise for the visceral and considered your suggestion for the closing.  I'm trying to say something, but maybe I'm not sure what it is yet either.  I'll think more on this.

---

Thanks for your input, Keith.  I tried to revise for the visceral and considered your suggestion for the closing.  I'm trying to say something, but maybe I'm not sure what it is yet either.  I'll think more on this.

[Achebe]

kole - great edit. Some nits below.

EDIT 1

Cleaning

In the attic
rat habitat ...a great two opening lines. I like the assonance (or is it alliteration?) of "attic" and "habitat" - it feels good to say it
leavings of paper nests and insulation
dust kaleidoscope glittering the one light bulb cloud of tingling nose feathers and sneezing  ....I didn't like 'dust kaleidoscope'  - it comes across as a jaded, unmusical metaphor, which is thereafter not consistent with the dust cloud metahor in the same line. I'd suggest using a simile in both places instead.
shifting boxes of holy clothes, mangled papers, forgotten toys ...forgettable adjectives
until I find the bottom, ...I like how the line stops suddenly, just like the the search stops suddenly
a faded flannel shirt that mommy wore
pregnant as the moon-shaped smell of sour milk in circles on the fabric. ...'moon shaped circles of sour milk' is a great sensory description, but it doesn't come across as credible, given that the attic is a rat habitat and it looks like the fabric has lain there for quite a while.

I fold the flannel neatly into her drawer. ....I thought it was at the bottom of a box?

When I'm nothing
more than dirt in the air
and you find this precious faded fabric
moth eaten, rat nested and rotten
you'll throw it out, disgusted someone could keep
that? .....this strophe is beautiful

But I'm still here reminding why,
whoever's there to bless your sneezing. ...I've read this poem several times, but can't understand the ending.




 FIRST DRAFT
Spring Cleaning
 
Springing into action
with the warming ground,
 
birds scouring the lawn for twigs,
bears at berry bushes,
 
I am in the closets and attic
throwing things out
the windows and doors.
 
Holy sweatshirts.  Mangled papers.  Neglected toys.
A cloud of dust and sneezing.
 
At the bottom of the piles,
a faded flannel shirt
my wife wore
pregnant as the moon
and breast feeding.
 
The smell of sour milk in the fabric.
 
I fold the shirt neatly into her drawer.
 
When I’m nothing more
than the dust you sneeze out
and you find this precious flannel fabric
moth eaten and rotten
 
you’ll throw it out, disgusted
someone could keep that?
 
But I’ll be there to remind you why,
whoever’s there to bless you.