Cold Feet

[Hennessy473]

Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop
and watch, like deer, the fast approach.
Uncertainty, the taste of which
had just arrived behind my throat,
made it's song a rifle shot.
The water seeped and found my feet
But conviction's ear did not betray.
Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.

[cvanshelton]

Hi Hennessy. I am new to the forum as well, so cheers to us! First, my overall impression of your poem was that the subject matter was interesting, and I think the way you present it has some compelling merit. I also find I enjoy the length of your poem - get in, say your piece and get out. It lets the reader linger with the poem. The highlights for me were in the fairly strong meter, the idea of uncertainty having a taste behind your throat and finally, I thought the ending wrapped things up nicely.

For workshopping, as a whole, you should give this a lot of attention and rework. The bone are there, but you are a little all over the place with some of the metaphor and anthropomorphising. Take the first line - "but not yet there" is a parenthetical that would be well served by commas. You also never really explain where "there" is. So you leave just this impression of a destination, but no destination is given to the reader to create imagery or connection with the phrase. Continuing into the sentence I got hung up on the phrase "like deer". Perhaps it is the movement from what seems like the singular to the plural. Maybe you can preserve your meaning by phrasing it "the time to deer-like stop and watch...".

While I like the idea of uncertainty having a taste, and it is something I can relate to, you move from taste to sound. You will lose the reader a bit there. For consistency's sake, you might change that to uncertainty being a buzzing song on your tongue and it's crescendo a rifle shot. I am sure you will come up with something better, but you get my point. That being said, I like the phrase "made its (no need for an apostrophe there) a rifle shot". It borders on cliche, but I still enjoy it.

You next move in the poem is about water seeping and finding your feet. I don't know where this comes from or why it is important to the experience. some clarity and transition would be good. Also, I do not know how convictions ear did not betray. What is convictions relationship? What is the conviction to? What is convictions promise that was kept? You might want to work in a reference to conviction earlier in the poem, so when you conclude the poem and reintroduce conviction, the reader will better understand convictions role in the whole process - and it seems to me that conviction actually has a HUGE role to play in the story you are conveying.

Thanks for sharing you poem. Can't wait to see the revision. Cheers! C.

Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop
and watch, like deer, the fast approach.
Uncertainty, the taste of which
had just arrived behind my throat,
made it's song a rifle shot.
The water seeped and found my feet
But conviction's ear did not betray.
Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.

[Achebe]

The poem appears to be about hunting. If not, then the subject needs to be clearer.
But if it's about hunting, and it's not deer because of the simile, is it about hunting rabbits? Or actually about deer? The ambiguity is a distraction.
No idea where the water is coming from. The definite article implies prior reference but I don't see one here.

[BlameMeFriends]

The subject matter is very interesting, but it reads a little strange and I feel the "though" in the second to last line could be taken out

[Hennessy473]

Well, I knew what I meant...

Thank you all for your comments, much appreciated. The hunter is headed towards his prey, the deer, with purpose, but hesitates on his way across the stream and in his moment of doubt the deer hears him and flees. This was intended to be a metaphor for letting our doubts and uncertainties stop us from pursuing our ambitions. I obviously need to work on clarifying the imagery a bit. Any ideas on how to make those ideas more clear? Thanks!

[cvanshelton]

Hi, Hennessy. I sounds like you have a clear idea of what you want to convey, which is a good start. It might be worth considering to start over and rewrite with the objective of showing and not telling. Start by setting your scene more specifically - let us know what he is crossing, how he is crossing it and why. Build your metaphor into that. Give some attention to the meter and sonic devices of your poem. Those are things that set poetry apart from prose. Keep your audience in mind as you write. Assume the reader does not understand or see what you see in your mind's eye, so you will need to describe with detail how that looks, where there is tension of conflict. And perhaps before your rewrite, read a number of poems written by well know masters that have impacted you. Try to decipher why they impacted you so much. Look at how they are written, not just the theme. It sometimes helps to get the mind ready to write. Anyway, start there and see where it takes you. The idea is a solid one; don't give up on it.

[Gabriel.k.Jones]

What you described was an intention of a metaphor... I guess what makes it a little confusing is what you want that metaphor to do for us as a society/readers. Is it through the point of view of the Deer? or the Hunter?

'Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop
and watch...'

I can see it as the Deer approaching the stream, however the poem concludes with...

'Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.'

So it seems like there is a jump between view points. I'm not sure now if ( as the reader ) I am the Deer or the Hunter. In my opinion, that uncertainty there , causes the poem to lose its impact.  

Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading the rewrite.

gabrielkjones.com

[wipmp]

Hi Hennessy,  I like the connection that you made between the experience and it's bigger meaning. Here are my thoughts on where you could add to make the intent more clear.  Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed your poem, reading what you intended and being given the opportunity to tell you what I thought about it.

Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop - maybe here you could add to the imagery by expanding on the way it feels to stop in surprise, or freeze in place.
and watch, like deer, the fast approach. - I was a little confused by the way this line reads.  A thought I have is to say "I watched, like a deer, the fast approach"
Uncertainty, the taste of which
had just arrived behind my throat,
made it's song a rifle shot. - maybe add something here to express regret about an opportunity lost
The water seeped and found my feet - maybe here something integrating how quickly all of this happened, that in an instant the opportunity was gone.
But conviction's ear did not betray. - this line I don't understand, maybe expand on it.  Possibly something along the lines that although the shot was heard it was too late.
Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.

[Bastian Ward]

Hi Hennessey,
Like you I also am new to this, so I hope I can be helpful to you in the writing process.
I did like your poem, and I agree with the comment that it could use and apostrophe after the word 'across' because as you read it, it  seems to put an apostrophe there itself.  I do like the 'deer' metaphor that you have used as it gives enforces the idea of it being quick and flighty.  I think the 'arrival of uncertainty'  like a taste at the back of your throat, again is a good metaphor.  In 'the water seeped' I feel their needs to be an apostrophe in there somewhere, as the lines are suggestive of one but I'm not 100% sure of where it should be, or wants to be.  You might want to have another look at that particular line.  But otherwise I thought it was good.
Cheers
Bastian

[Achebe]

Nearly there, not the place to stop
and watch, like deer.
Uncertainty, arrived behind tiptoe,
whistled like a rifle shot,
knocked the canteen clean with clumsy hands.
The water seeped and found my feet
standing in a patch of dismay
as she vanished with a white tail flag.

My suggestion would be to drop the metaphor, which is boring and takes away from the poem. Make it just a record of the moment. The above is one of the ways - just to give you some ideas.

Some points that I tried to address in the edit:
1)uncertainty can't be a taste and a whistler. 
2) why did the water seep? Where's the water coming from?
3) what did your ears hear when only your eyes saw?