To An Addict (edit shem, JDofing)

[Erthona]

To An Addict
 
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief.
 
 
erthona
 
2016

[shemthepenman]

hello dale, me old boy,

as this is in novice i think i can get away with giving only a few suggestions and not a line by line.

firstly, the title leads me to believe the poem is going to be ambiguously about addiction itself, yet the poem seems exclusively to be about drug addiction, or at least the superficial addictions. and as i suspect you have no intention of making the poem a more subtle and layered meditation on the nature of addiction i would suggest a title change.
also, and i may be missing some irony, apart from the 'a necklace large enough to supply a large tribe of cannibals' line[s] --the 'large' repetition is awful--, this has absolutely no artistic merit. remove those lines, add maybe one or two conjunctives, remove the line breaks, and you have a very cliche agony aunt extract.

oh, and while you're here, you posted 'Terminally Unique' in a critical forum, so i couldn't say there, but really fun poem. made me smile. cheers!

[Hennessy473]

Hello,

I'm new here and new to critiquing, so please bear with me. I felt that I read and absolutely understood what you were getting at with this - and that might be the problem. It's so blunt and stark that it's impossible not to understand exactly what the intention is. I want some nuance, some ambiguity, maybe a little metaphor. As a reader, I want to be gently lead to the conclusion, this feels a little more like being hit over the head with it. But if your intention was to be clear and unequivocal - you nailed it! Cheers.

[Erthona]

Thanks JDofing, I'll correct the "large", good catch.

dale

---

Shem,

It's a perspective piece, kind of like if you were painting a person from all different sides. I think the nuance comes with the last two lines. I've already written one on addiction. Here is the link

 http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-19067.html


Evidently I neglected to post it, so I posted it in fun, or maybe I posted it under a different title.

dale

[RiverNotch]

To An Addict -- Wait, is everything you write about drugs? Is that piece I commented on way back about them chakras also about drugs, too? xD

Yeah, I dig the speaker here in an aesthetic sense -- that economy of words JDofing earlier noted sure works wonders, here. Reminds me of Louise Gluck, kinda -- specifically Adult Grief. Although Adult Grief was handled with more delicacy, and seems to talk about something not as life-or-death, so that the speaker here just seems like an asshole to me. I've been to an almost equivalent place, or at least I've read about them, and I'm sure this type of direct language is used justly, but only those very close to the victim, and always with a loving "retraction" at the end -- but the title distances the speaker way too much, and the ending here just magnifies the speaker's meanness. 

And really, although this may be specific to my place, but that death at the end makes it quadruple sick: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/j...l-drug-war
 
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and Something at this line itches: I would move "no" in the next line up to this same line instead, just to make both lines cleaner. But then that does make them a bit more, I dunno, uneven....
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief.
 
erthona 016 

[Erthona]

Hennessy473,   Thanks for reading and the comments.

Besides the one above
 
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-19067.html

 here are two other more serious poems about addiction that are less of a hammer to the head should you care to peruse them. I think they will supply you with, as you say "...some nuance, some ambiguity, maybe a little metaphor."


Charybdis and Scylla


A Deeper Cut 


Best,


dale

---

RN,

Thanks, I understand what you are saying. I have extensive history on both sides of the equation. People who have to deal with the addict don't really care that it is a disease, they have to deal with the behavior; the lying, stealing, conning and so on. Eventually after years of hoping the Addict will "turn himself around" they can't take anymore. They're burned out. So the poem is from their perspective, however it is one rarely expressed, at least completely. So you could say it is their internal thoughts. I say this to explain the last two lines. Everyone knows where this is going to end, they've already buried the person any number of times when he ended up in ER almost dead. In their view the person has been trying to kill themselves for years, so when he does...    (he or she)

dale

PS I do think the war on drugs is a major farce. It has changed the addiction rate 0%, however it has increased organized crime a thousand fold and greatly reduced individual freedom. Personally I think all recreational drugs should be sold just like alcohol, especially as most recreational drugs are less harmful than alcohol. One could say all, except that speed and coke can give you a stroke or a heart attack. However the truth is that more people die each year from over the counter pain relievers than all illegal drugs combined. Oh yeah I forgot, since 1973 when Nixon sign into effect the "Drug Omnibus Crime Bill" we have spent over a trillion dollars on the war on drugs, not to mention illegal seizures of property. This does not even account for all the money spent on prisons to house all these terrible drug addicts. Currently over 65% of people in prison are there on charges related to drug use, possession, or sales.

[cvanshelton]

Ok, moving through the very intimidating task of critiquing someone of your experience, and I’ll try to just focus on the poem. My very first reaction, as one who has dealt with addiction, is that it sounds very much like a successfully recovering addict talking to an active addict. While there is some understanding of where the person is at, there is not tolerance for the excuses and bs that an addict will get into. I think once you have gone through it yourself, you understand that compassion is just an avenue for exploitation. A firm, honest hand is what is needed. So, that is what I read into it.
 
The poem itself is obviously purposefully stark and simple. I found the beginning read a lot like a journal entry. There is intimacy there, but lacked the elements I am usually drawn to in poetry. The meter and sonic devices are, of course, fantastic. Lines like “no, you have no control” are brilliant examples of assonance. But, I found I wanted to have more imagery, more…I don’t know what…something that compels me to care. I think that perhaps you did too good a job at conveying the exhaustion of loved ones who deal with addicts.: the sense of just get it over already. And that is a bit like how I felt reading this. I don’t mean that in an unkind way, I just think you infused it so well with apathy. Incidentally, I read the 2 poems you linked to in an early response. They were fantastic. Some thoughts on lines below:
 
To An Addict
 
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you – Perhaps starting with “No!” will inject some anger and energy into the piece?
in your self-induced misery: What if instead of “self-induced” you used something less common, like “self–injected” to further push the drug use imagery?
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals. I admit it. I laughed when I read that. Cannibals…love it.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and
no, you have no control. This sentence sounds so tired and weary.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do. – A spark of anger is in this sentence. I wouldn’t mind if you fanned it a little.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief. – Brutally true. It would be nice to read something other than the expected “death claims you” phrase. Death can get you in a lot of ways; it would be interesting if you used a phrase that contrasted sharply with “relief”. You know, something violent or sharp. I think most of my suggestions are just stylistic which comes down to a matter of taste. Technically, your writing is pretty outstanding. I’ll go cower in the corner reserved for closet Romantics.

[shemthepenman]

Thanks JDofing, I'll correct the "large", good catch.

dale

---

Shem,

It's a perspective piece, kind of like if you were painting a person from all different sides. I think the nuance comes with the last two lines. I've already written one on addiction. Here is the link

 http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-19067.html


Evidently I neglected to post it, so I posted it in fun, or maybe I posted it under a different title.

dale

aha, i see. oh that is really interesting. so it is part of a larger 'thing', like a meditation on addiction? that is really interesting. i mean especially interesting on this kind of platform. yes, that would be cool to read them all together. super. however, i still think this is far too prosaic for a poem. you have, of course, made it look like a poem [physically] but being in the second person it just reads like a series of angry texts.

[Erthona]

I'll think on it

[GordonBillett]

Hello, I'm new to critiquing but I'm very eager to speak on this, on a personal level. I think you've tapped in to an excellent topic; it's universal, yet also very personal through your voice, which what I think makes good poetry. I feel very attuned to your perspective!
My only suggestion is to use "adorn" rather than "supply", since it's in the context of a necklace and all. But I really enjoyed the emotion in your piece, and I'm eager to see it take full form!
cheers!

[poet-rice]

*First edit/post*

To An Addict
 
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose? (well-constructed imagery/metaphor, very direct, which is good.)
Certainly enough times (repetition of times then later and is distracting/takes away from message)
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals. (i like this, adds tension, intrigue, disturbing tone)
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad, (avoid use of really)
and (is this line/word needed? does it add to your message?)
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief. (ending is rather abrupt, would enjoy further elucidation of idea/action of poem)

// 

A stark and direct poem with rather general, cliched ideas, however with 
further reading an appreciation of story begins to work its way into consideration. 
Personally, I would revise the repetitive nature of some words/images and
reconsider one or two structural/syntactical compositions. The cacophony and
auditory allusions lend themselves very well to the conceptual content as do 
the personal direct pronouns. 

Hope you find this helpful,

Poet-rice

[Erthona]

Poet-rice,

Yes, thank you very much. The repetition needs to go, also the "really", I will take care of those in the next edit. Very helpful critique.

Thanks again,

dale

[nikkisto]

Dale! You channeled a sense of passion here in a way that I'm not used to seeing you write. I love the clarity of the wording because it speaks to the rawness of your meaning. I too won't line by line because of the forum choice, but this was a good read and I thank you for sharing. 

To An Addict
 
Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief.
 
 
erthona
 
2016

[Erthona]

eric_never and nikkisto thanks for giving it a read and for your kind words,


dale

[surrealHead]

To An Addict

Don't ask me to feel sorry for you
in your self-induced misery:
you're not stupid, just willfully self-centered.
How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals.
No, don't give me your justification,
I've heard them all before
and yes it really is that bad,
and (I feel that the verses would flow much better without this little conjunction)
no, you have no control.
The bottom line is
you want to ruin a few more lives
before you do what you need to do.
That is if death doesn't claim you first
causing everyone to sigh with relief.

A sort of desperate anger transpires through every word of this melodic yet raw poem for me. The intensity of the piece is well anticipated by the title being To An Addict as opposed to it being, for example, To An Addiction. The use of a non-traditional form of rhyme ant the singular stanza only strengthens the emotion behind the monologue.
I feel, however, that the structure:

How many times have you cut off your nose?
Certainly enough times
to create a necklace large enough to supply
a tribe of cannibals.

is out of place in a poem with such stark and realistic imagery. This violent a metaphor is usually a staple of romantic writing and this is more of a oratorical piece.

[j.l.dean]

ERTHONA , regarding ''TO AN ADDICT '', being a former ADDICT myself , I take offense to your assumption that ADDICTS
are all alike . That being said if it was your intention to describe a particular person , this way...SUCCESS...!! , if that was your intention..?
none the less , I can assert that I have known ADDICTS you have described... to a '' T ''..well done , sorry if you were hurt in anyway by
this ADDICT , fictional or not...jd

[fred.fp]

This is my first time giving feedback, but I will try my best anyway.

I feel like the beginning was too intense and gave too much details of what it is about too early. That might lead the reader to lose interest quickly.
A change in the pacing towards the end (slowing it down maybe) would have been an interesting thing to see as well, but might as well just be me.
Other than that I found it really enjoyable, I liked the theme of it and was overall very well done. Hopefully I'll se more of you in the future.

Keep at it!

-fred

[Donald Q.]

'Certainly enough times 
to create a necklace large enough to supply 
a tribe of cannibals.'

I like this wit, but three lines seems too many for the joke and the line breaks make it feel a bit labored
try to make it two lines, something like

'Certainly enough times to create a necklace,
to feed a tribe of cannibals.'
 
To me that would be more succinct and also hits harder.