Corroboree

[poet-rice]

Corroboree

<> petrichor glance
moves flux dead ochre in 
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.
should hurt rose quartz crevices
cleft initials 
in veined streams
for now ardent soil?
where conflict lead oil drops
to confines, 
to break Memnon
wave rocks.
no, spoke fractures of
clay.

We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red, 
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.

[gmc]

I like the heavy environmental, sort of geological motif here. Though I had to look 20% of these words up to try to understand it and still wasn't sure exactly what it was saying.  

"where conflict lead oil drops to confines"  I don't know if I'm just hearing this wrong but there might be a grammatical issue here?

In general I enjoy an offbeat or polyrhythmic poem, but the use of so many uncommon words means the poem trips over itself a bit, at least the way I read it.

Overall the more I read it the more I find meaning in it. It feels as though it conveys the impermanence of humanity on an uncaring planet/universe.  Still, I think it could use a bit more polish and accessibility.

[wipmp]

I enjoyed reading your poem and see deep thought in it.  I agree with the previous review and think that you need to add context to the geology described to help the reader understand the intent of the poem.  I have had this same advice given to me lately and it really helped me to understand that what makes sense in my mind doesn't necessarily carry over to others.  It seems that you have a deep meaning to share through this poem but the intent is lost on me because I cannot follow the intended journey.



<> petrichor glance -- the way this is written it is difficult to follow what is meant.  While the word petrichor produces a vivid image of the scent of rain in the air it doesn't connect with me to followed by the word glance.

moves flux dead ochre in
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.  -- The way it is written this seems to be one thought or sentence but it is difficult for me to understand what it means and the same is true for many of the other lines in the poem.  It is difficult to tell where thoughts start and stop and how they are connected.


We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red,
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.  -- This is my favorite line in the poem, possibly because I is the only line that leads me to a complete picture that I can understand.  To me it means that once severed the tree is released through death.  Your intent for the poem could be entirely different from that but I could not follow the thoughts through enough to tell.

[cvanshelton]

Hi Corroboree, thanks for posting your poem. There are some elements that I thought were solid and provided interest. On the whole, however, I found it difficult to follow, because I just couldn't put images or meanings together. The beginning of the poem is so obscure that most readers will just give up right there. Try giving them something they can relate to first, then incorporate some of the more obscure images/ideas. Doing that might help give context to the reading and aid the reader in finding meaning and understanding. Your last stanza was the most approachable section of the poem, and the more I read it, the more I like it. The idea of contrast of stone and trees, the idea of what it is to breath free, the inclusion of the word "sacred" came together in a nice way. I look forward to your edit.

Corroboree

<> petrichor glance
moves flux dead ochre in 
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.
should hurt rose quartz crevices
cleft initials 
in veined streams
for now ardent soil?
where conflict lead oil drops
to confines, 
to break Memnon
wave rocks.
no, spoke fractures of
clay.

We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red, 
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.

[HopeVictoria56]

Corroboree

<> petrichor glance
moves flux dead ochre in 
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.
should hurt rose quartz crevices
cleft initials 
in veined streams
for now ardent soil?
where conflict lead oil drops
to confines, 
to break Memnon
wave rocks.
no, spoke fractures of
clay.

We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red, 
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.

There is a certain allure to using words that require the reader to sit, think, and discover the meaning.  It means that they really will have to peel back the layers.  That can be fun not only for the writer, but the reader as well.  You could try making your lines longer, possibly adding "filler words" so that your lines can be understood and therefore your entire poem will become more understandable.  I read this poem a few times, broke it down into sentences, tried to grasp what any of it meant and I have drawn a complete blank.

[dekubabanut]

I found some of the more unfamiliar words very intriguing and enjoyed learning about those I had not previously heard of. In particular, descriptive words like petrichor, ochre and occident are very strong and give a sensually vivid tone to the poem. I felt that using your language to complement these words e.g. 'sacred, /to the occident-red' was quite striking and would like to see more of this.

Generally, though I enjoyed digging into the poem and seeking meaning within the various layers, I would appreciate a slightly more accessible structure - one that is perhaps less disjointed, though I am aware that the fractured nature of the poem may be intentional. I think this could be retained if you sought to clarify the poem and think that perhaps a good method for this would be to extend the poem, allowing you to elaborate in meaningful ways that enrich the poem without taking away what you already have. It could also give you an opportunity to reinforce the wonderful imagery mentioned above.

My interpretation is uncertain but I assume this is a poem about racial segregation, specifically related to the Aboriginal people. As I said, I am not sure of this, but the topic and imagery are powerful and I hope we can learn more!

[nikkisto]

There are some beautiful words in this, but I wonder who this is for. As a reader the technicalities of the words I felt eliminated me from the experience. This was a poem to write, not one to invite to be read. Which, I also found a bit of a shame because there are some great phrases. I'd think about your audience (self vs reader) and see if you can challenge yourself to find a balance. Just thoughts, of course, do keep posting.

Corroboree

<> petrichor glance
moves flux dead ochre in 
torrent whites
descended
spates turned flights
to find calloused paw.
should hurt rose quartz crevices
cleft initials 
in veined streams
for now ardent soil?
where conflict lead oil drops
to confines, 
to break Memnon
wave rocks.
no, spoke fractures of
clay.

We meet, sacred,
to the occident-red, 
severed tree
sentenced,
to breath free.