Terminally Unique (edit leanne, shay)

[Erthona]

Terminally Unique
 
I do not care for souls laid bare,
as though their souls were
more bare than mine without a buffer;
that their pain is somehow greater
than the pain any other soul has suffered.
So away with your romance tales
and give me something of worth;
as how one slighted at birth
has overcome it.
I care nothing for your pain,
or that you were once insane.
Did you think anyone gets through life unscathed:
from birth unto the grave?
 
erthona

 
©2016
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original


I do not care for souls laid bare,

as though their souls were

more bare than mine without a buffer;

that their pain is somehow greater

than the pain any other soul has suffered?

So away with your romance tales

and give me something of worth;

as how one slighted at birth

did overcome it.

I care nothing for your pain,

or that you once were insane.

Did you think anyone gets through life unscathed:

from birth unto the grave?


_

[Leanne]

Quite right. Everyone dies -- it's the ones who are resurrected that people get really excited about. And then kill more people to see if they'll come back or not. I think I got side-tracked.

Because of its self-awareness, I am very happy to see "soul" used twice where usually I would cringe at a single appearance. I am a bit uncomfortable with "did overcome it", syntax-wise; I'm thinking something along the lines of "has overcome it" instead. I'll let "once were insane" slide but not without mentioning it...

Of course I am somewhat biased being, as you know, something of a cynic when it comes to the obsession with selfies both photographic and in copy. The odd vignette is fine, but a constant stream of #woeisme and #fml to the tune of #reallydeepTaylorSwiftsong does wear thin rather quickly. Swiftly.

Your final lines are perfect, like a smack around the head with a very sad kipper.

[Erthona]

Thank you Leanne. Quite right. Now fixed.

Actually I thought about just using the last four lines as a short form poem and discard the rest, but it was already there so... 

dale

[Shay]

This was very interesting. Starting off with the title, it harboured a profoundly reflective sentiment - a very relatable one, too, but you portrayed it in an intriguing way. 

Terminally Unique
 
I do not care for souls laid bare,
as though their souls were - repetitions can get "overused" sometime, but I like the echoing imagery of the soul here. It naturally complements your title as well. 
more bare than mine without a buffer;
that their pain is somehow greater
than the pain any other soul has suffered? - The directness in this segment is truly a highlight. A very relatable point you are raising here, I appreciate the high degree of authenticity. You're continuing to employ the repetition, but it doesn't detract from the greater essence at this point neither. 
So away with your romance tales
and give me something of worth;
as how one slighted at birth
did overcome it. - This segment, from "worth to birth", didn't feel as naturally fitting as it could've in the overall scheme of thought. It feels rather abrupt. I would also suggest a rephrasing similar to "has overcome it". 
I care nothing for your pain,
or that you once were insane. - I think this segment is nice, however, I feel like it could be more efficient in terms of impact. The relation of common experiences demonstrated in the "pain/insane" combination is good, but I think the "ordinary" is what makes it seem slightly touched upon on the surface. It could be interesting with a detail added to it. But that's pure preference here. 
Did you think anyone gets through life unscathed:
from birth unto the grave? - Expertly concluded. 
 
erthona
 
©2016

[Erthona]

Shay,

Thanks for your comments. No I was not fond of the "worth to birth" segment either. Not the idea, per se, but the way it is written. Seems a little cheap, but that's what I had so that is what I went with and I have nothing better, but it is duly noted.

" It could be interesting with a detail added to it. But that's pure preference here." Ah! But detail is what I was trying to avoid.

The rest I believe I have corrected.

Thanks,

dale

[ellajam]

I like the worth,birth, overcome lines, they are the crux of it, the rising, not the falling, or flailing, part of life is the interesting story.

I love the unscathed/grave almost rhyme. All in all sharp, an expression of what we think but can only voice to a true friend, who would love us for the "smack around the head with a kipper" when they were needing one.

[Erthona]

ellamyfellow,

Well you know me, I tend to voice what other people complain about, but are too polite to say it themselves. It has often gotten me in trouble

Yes, I was quite fond of the near rhyme. Something ,somewhere, where there was a discussion going on seemed to have triggered this poem. Can't quite recall...

dale