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edit 2
Contraceptive sublimation
and subliminal agony bear
a smiling rupture through the heart
then a stitch along the tear.
Like Dada, where no bards are barred,
out-elbowed words begin!
We know that we'd be happy there
[add arbitrary rhyme here].
edit 1
Contraceptive sublimation
and subliminal agony bear
a smiling rupture through the heart
then a stitch along the tear.
Like Dada, where no bards are barred
and out-elbowed words begin,
we know that we'd be happy there
but how we love this mess we're in.
original
Contraceptive sublimation
and subliminal agony bear
a smiling rupture through the heart
then a stitch along the tear.
Like Dada, where no bards are barred,
where out-elbowed words begin,
we know that we'd be happy there
but like the mess we're in.
[this is an old one that survived the mass deletion of 2015]
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(07-13-2016, 02:53 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: mass deletion of 2015
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Loving the little sonic stitches that hold this together, especially the glorious assonance that enriches the true rhyme.
No matter how I shift the way I recite this, the last line always comes up feeling like it's been shortchanged. I am thinking maybe "but how we love this mess we're in" might make it happier.
I am left, rather incongruously, with an absurd image of blokes in Shakespearean wigs elbowing each other out of the way so they can get a beer with Tzara. Or an absinthe, probably. Or a shot of cologne with a porridge chaser, I don't know. And they'd smile and nod at one another, pleasantly oated up to their eyeballs, and say "yes, I see what you mean about casting off the shackles of expectations, but I think it would be much better if you'd just use iambic pentameter. Please pass me one of those herring cookies."
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(07-13-2016, 04:21 AM)Leanne Wrote: Loving the little sonic stitches that hold this together, especially the glorious assonance that enriches the true rhyme.
No matter how I shift the way I recite this, the last line always comes up feeling like it's been shortchanged. I am thinking maybe "but how we love this mess we're in" might make it happier.
I am left, rather incongruously, with an absurd image of blokes in Shakespearean wigs elbowing each other out of the way so they can get a beer with Tzara. Or an absinthe, probably. Or a shot of cologne with a porridge chaser, I don't know. And they'd smile and nod at one another, pleasantly oated up to their eyeballs, and say "yes, I see what you mean about casting off the shackles of expectations, but I think it would be much better if you'd just use iambic pentameter. Please pass me one of those herring cookies."
you  you managed to call out exactly the word that gave me so much trouble. in the original it was "stay the mess we're in" i changed it to 'like' but wasn't happy with it. i still don't like 'love' [but obviously played about with it] or the 'but how'. i also like 'stay the mess we're in' just for its grammatical strangeness [yet, correctness]--basically it sounds odd, which i like.
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07-13-2016, 04:49 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-13-2016, 04:49 AM by Leanne.)
have another cookie...
we know that we'd be happy there
but Tzara nicked the biscuit tin
we know that we'd be happy there
but here it's morphine for the win
I must stop.
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ouch does it really make that little sense? in that case, i could be really experimental and just leave the last line blank and have a parenthetical: add arbitrary rhyme.
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No, the closing lines make perfect sense. The problem I'm having with it is that the first stanza is held together very nicely, then you throw in Dada and you can't just throw in Dada and go on writing the poem people expect you to write. Then you have bards barred, and that's the punchline of a fairly tired joke with a number of variations, e.g. Shakespeare walks into a pub; the landlord says, "get out, you're bard".
So it's not the last lines that are the problem, it's the two preceding that shift the poem to a very uncomfortable position.
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You could rhyme your parenthetical thingamy: [an arbitrary rhyme walks in]
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It's 6am and I am not yet sufficiently caffeined up to take anything seriously. I would hate anyone to think I was disrespecting genius 
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(07-13-2016, 05:09 AM)Leanne Wrote: It's 6am and I am not yet sufficiently caffeined up to take anything seriously. I would hate anyone to think I was disrespecting genius
 now now.
anyway, fuck you i like it.
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I like it too or I wouldn't bother with it. Plus, you're a rude prick and nobody else is going to talk to you, remember?
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