The Details Are Unimportant (Revision 1)

[Todd]

Revision

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
from science class. Only instead of answering a question
never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of a dolphin’s brain, all that remains
are moments captured by an omniscient lens.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. They say I survived
when my mother died, though daily I am diminished
like a faded newspaper on the park bench
where I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read.

~~
Edit 1 (Leanne): I made some adjustments some you suggested, also looked at eliminated more "I" language. Kole I saw your comments after I finished. I'll give them a look. Thank you both.


Original

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only 
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished
like a faded newspaper on a park bench
on which I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read.

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.

[Leanne]

Just a quick rundown for now, Todd, and I'll come back when I have a bit more time.

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only -- because this is naturally a piece with a lot of the I in it, you might consider removing them where you don't need them.  This could work well enough with "...projectors/ from science class".
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left -- a comma instead of a full stop here I'd say. Also, you have a plural in "plants" so you might consider "the size of a dolphin's brain".
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective. -- this is a bit clunky.  Maybe something like "taken by the omniscient eye"?
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore. -- is "I'm not that person anymore" really needed?  I feel it's implicit in the poem.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived -- do you need "does it matter?"  It is distracting here, for me at least.
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished -- the full stop after "did" followed by "though" is mucking up the structure here.
like a faded newspaper on a park bench -- maybe "the" park bench, make it a definite 
on which I will someday sit -- although grammatically correct, the two uses of "on" so close together make this a little clunky.  Maybe "where"?
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read. -- beautiful ending

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.

[kolemath]

Nice image work, Todd.  A few comments:

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only Great flow of images, from the metaphorical to the concrete
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now. interesting juxtaposition of memory and death
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore. I get the word choice, 'captioned,' for the projector metaphor, but these lines seem to veer away from the metaphor of memory. when are words captioned in memory?
There are other faces burned from the film blurred smart way of saying 'forget.' it works well for the metaphor
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived interesting loop back to death as connected to forgetting; (who's they? this pronoun seems out of place to me)
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished interesting transition from death to life which fits the poem to my reading; the 'diminished' line seems redundant to the 'I am dying now,' line above. might you jump into the newspaper comparison earlier; that imagery is fresh and doesn't feel redundant to above lines.
like a faded newspaper on a park bench I like the imagery of newspaper connected to old news and death, but is a park bench the best setting to follow projector images? 
on which I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read.

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.

Thanks, Todd! -Kole

[Todd]

Thank you Leanne.

You always have a really good eye. I used a few of your ideas and then made some other changes using the spirit of the idea. It's not done yet, but hopefully, it reads more smoothly. Appreciate the comments.

Best,

Todd

Just a quick rundown for now, Todd, and I'll come back when I have a bit more time.

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only -- because this is naturally a piece with a lot of the I in it, you might consider removing them where you don't need them.  This could work well enough with "...projectors/ from science class".
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left -- a comma instead of a full stop here I'd say. Also, you have a plural in "plants" so you might consider "the size of a dolphin's brain".
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective. -- this is a bit clunky.  Maybe something like "taken by the omniscient eye"?
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore. -- is "I'm not that person anymore" really needed?  I feel it's implicit in the poem.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived -- do you need "does it matter?"  It is distracting here, for me at least.
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished -- the full stop after "did" followed by "though" is mucking up the structure here.
like a faded newspaper on a park bench -- maybe "the" park bench, make it a definite 
on which I will someday sit -- although grammatically correct, the two uses of "on" so close together make this a little clunky.  Maybe "where"?
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read. -- beautiful ending

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.

[Todd]

Nice image work, Todd.  A few comments:

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only Great flow of images, from the metaphorical to the concrete
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now. interesting juxtaposition of memory and death
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore. I get the word choice, 'captioned,' for the projector metaphor, but these lines seem to veer away from the metaphor of memory. when are words captioned in memory?
There are other faces burned from the film blurred smart way of saying 'forget.' it works well for the metaphor
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived interesting loop back to death as connected to forgetting; (who's they? this pronoun seems out of place to me)
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished interesting transition from death to life which fits the poem to my reading; the 'diminished' line seems redundant to the 'I am dying now,' line above. might you jump into the newspaper comparison earlier; that imagery is fresh and doesn't feel redundant to above lines.
like a faded newspaper on a park bench I like the imagery of newspaper connected to old news and death, but is a park bench the best setting to follow projector images? 
on which I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read.

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.

Thanks, Todd! -Kole

Hi Kole, thanks. Your comments are always helpful. It's also good to see how you reacted at various points. I'll give what you say some thought for future revisions.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Hi Todd! I don't have much, just a couple of thoughts.

Revision

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors -- love clackety-clack projectors   sets me up to view the shapshots of people that follow as members of a classroom, peers from high school, etc.
from science class. Only instead of answering a question
never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of a dolphin’s brain, all that remains
are moments captured by an omniscient lens.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. They say I survived -- right in here is where I start to feel a disconnect. Making the switch from undefined connections like "her" and "others" to "my mother" felt like we were going in a different direction and I didn't know how to follow because there is no image presented for connection like "laugh," "laughter," "drownings," "cancer." All we get of the mother is absence. Paradoxically, I need some kind of detail or "snapshot" to connect me to this character. And, here might be your entire point, so forgive me if I just can't read properly.
when my mother died, though daily I am diminished -- diminished makes me think of 'diminutive,' and I think you're going for 'dim' to connect with faded. Honestly, I would just say 'daily I dim like a fading newspaper' to make this flow better into the next image.
like a faded newspaper on the park bench
where I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read. -- the ending is very strong and ties up the whole image perfectly.

[Todd]

Thanks for the comments, Lizzie. Let me give some thought to some of the points you raise. I need to go through my thought process around that They say I survived/my mother part. I appreciate the time you spent with the poem.

Best,

Todd

[Achebe]

Hi Todd - has some beautiful images, but I think it lacks a certain unity of metaphor. Some comments below.

Revision

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors ...a lovely metaphor
from science class. Only instead of answering a question ...I'm not sure about 'instead of answering / all that remains'. Shouldn't it really be 'answers to a question / all that remain'?
never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of a dolphin’s brain, all that remains
are moments captured by an omniscient lens. ....I'm troubled by 'omniscient', since the lens sees, but doesn't know. The Latin for 'to see' is 'Videre', so 'omnivident' is a possibility, but the word doesn't seem to exist.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone ...there's a slight dissonance between 'lens' and 'hear', but I can't think of anything better at the moment
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh. ...this is a beautiful little detail. Your mental film suddenly jumps to life.
My words aren’t captioned. ....confusing. I'm not sure if this connects to the last line. if you can't read "these lines" now, what is it that'll change?
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. They say I survived ....'other / other'
when my mother died, though daily I am diminished
like a faded newspaper on the park bench ....while a lovely image in itself, I don't see how this is connected to the film metaphor
where I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words 
I can no longer read. ....I am thinking dementia, but am confused by the 'words not captioned' - see above

~~
Edit 1 (Leanne): I made some adjustments some you suggested, also looked at eliminated more "I" language. Kole I saw your comments after I finished. I'll give them a look. Thank you both.


Original

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only 
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished
like a faded newspaper on a park bench
on which I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read.

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.

[Todd]

Hi Achebe,

Some really nice thoughts you had. I appreciate the interaction. I'm always reluctant to explain why I made a choice. I want to be cautious of spelling something out and then having people see it. The poem needs to do that work on its own. Please realize that even if I don't reply to your comments directly in the thread, I'm considering them for the revision.

Much appreciated.

Best,

Todd