Travel Dream (new edit 2)

[kolemath]

[b]TRAVEL DREAM (edit 2)
[/b]

A television prison lights the living room
with the flicker of a nature show on mute.
Body shackled by sofa cushions 
and drifting down a stream of dreams.

The voiceless tone of quiet comes.
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shitting foods of every people.
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
one word repeats.

Quiet comes and goes 
to alarm clock buzz dream break.  
Awake.
Turn off muted television science show,
body longing for the moon.


TRAVEL DREAM (edit 1)

A television prison lights the living room. 
I'm shackled by the sofa cushions watching nature 
shows on mute. 

Adrift upon a stream of sleep,
the voiceless tone of quiet comes.
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shit of foods of every people.
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
no matter where I listened, the meaning never changed.


Then back into the quiet,
awaking to a science show,
television muted,
longing for the moon.




TRAVEL DREAM 

Television prison lights the living room,
the shackles of the sofa,
a nature show on mute,
 
drifting away into sleep,
quiet current,
the only sound, the voiceless tone of quiet.
The wind blows ‘qw.’
‘I’ am in the middle.
The ‘e’ is the water beside me.
The ‘t’ is the tap of tree branches.
I stretch my arms and legs,
--left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
sweat in every country,
piss in every ocean,
shit the food of every people,
Siberia, Sahara,
Chile, Canada,
to finally shout an answer
to calling global corners,
but only finding quiet,
then longing for the moon,
 
then waking to a science show,
television muted.  

[UselessBlueprint]

TRAVEL DREAM

Television prison lights the living room, (Word order does a lot for this line. I like it)
the shackles of the sofa, (mild nitpick, but this gives me the sense that the shackles belong to the sofa - almost as if the sofa is being restrained. That's a weird image for me, and I don't see a reason for the line to read that way)
a nature show on mute, (S1 is pretty fair. I still prefer to have a poem form (mostly) coherent sentences, but that's preference)
 
drifting away into sleep, (personally, I find this line to be very easy to forget. It's a shame, really, because as I continue to reread, this line acts as a fulcrum that my interpretation shifts on.)
quiet current,
the only sound, the voiceless tone of quiet. (despite what this portion of the poem is trying to accomplish, repeating "quiet" on these asymmetrical lines irks me. I think I'd like "noiseless current" a little better, but proceed as you see fit there.)
The wind blows ‘qw.’
‘I’ am in the middle. (Location. Location. Location. "I" is certainly not in the middle. Okay, the middle of the word 'quiet', sure. But you've placed it at the beginning of the line. I can accept "qw" at the end of its line, simply because you do not state it is at the beginning. There can be implications made by that decision. But I like to see location reflected by position, especially because the only thing the "I" is doing in this line is being in the middle. If you say "I" is/am in the middle, make it so. ("In the middle 'I' am placed").
The ‘e’ is the water beside me. (Not the worst metaphor, but the sonics might deserve some tuning. Specifically, "beside me" doesn't sound great to me. I'd probably opt for "around me", if that doesn't alter the line's purpose beyond what you can accept.)
The ‘t’ is the tap of tree branches. (On the other hand, this line works wonderfully. I'd like a modifier on "tap" that echoes a light percussion a little more, but this is a fine line as it is.)
I stretch my arms and legs, (this is the first pivot point of the tone, for me. (the fulcrum I mentioned earlier is regarding meaning). I am no longer reading about the quiet now. Now I am" travelling". It's too abrupt for me.
--left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America, (abbr., an interesting choice with some good implications)
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia, (well, that image did quite the flip.)
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
sweat in every country, (fair lines. not a lot for me to say there)
piss in every ocean, (and the second pivot point. now the tone shifts from ambitious travel to something that, at the moment, I can't properly describe (and may not have the time to find the right words before I leave for work) )
shit the food of every people,
Siberia, Sahara,
Chile, Canada, (Ch vs C, weak in my book)
to finally shout an answer (not sure about the infinitives. I think it's the only decision I'd really want explained to me.)
to calling global corners,
but only finding quiet,
then longing for the moon, (At first, I was indifferent to the moon being here. I think I'd prefer it as the final line, at the end of S3, making it the ultimate destination. Moving on from this line just makes it feel like the speaker missed (and kept flying onward) )
 
then waking to a science show,
television muted.  (No problems with S3)

Hopefully a sufficient critique and hopefully some useful suggestions. Adjustments to punctuation might be worth consideration. While not entirely burdensome, the abundance of commas is confusing. I might have more to say after work. We shall see.

[Wjames]

TRAVEL DREAM

Television prison lights the living room,
the shackles of the sofa,
a nature show on mute,
 
drifting away into sleep,
quiet current,
the only sound, the voiceless tone of quiet. I don't think the last two lines are necessary, I get that it's quiet by the show being on mute, and the narrator falling asleep. This sentence is very strange for me to read, each line seems rhythmically (and grammatically) disconnected from the next. I would never say something like this when trying to communicate with someone, and that's what a poem is trying to do, isn't it? The central image of the stanza is pretty nice though. I.e if this were my poem, I would adjust it to something like:

Television prison lights the living room
as I'm chained in the shackles of the sofa,
drifting to sleep with a nature show on mute.


The wind blows ‘qw.’
‘I’ am in the middle.
The ‘e’ is the water beside me.
The ‘t’ is the tap of tree branches. I would cut these 4 sentences - it is convoluted imo, and I can't come up with a clear image from it at all.
I stretch my arms and legs,
--left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
sweat in every country,
piss in every ocean,
shit the food of every people,
Siberia, Sahara,
Chile, Canada, I like this section.
to finally shout an answer
to calling global corners, If the global corners are "calling" as in, you want to visit these places, you can't really "shout an answer" - the only answer to the call would be to travel. If that's what you meant, I would simplify these two lines. (i.e: to finally answer the calling global corners, or something like that).
but only finding quiet,
then longing for the moon,
 
then waking to a science show, I would change "then" in this line to "and" - you just used "then" in the preceding line, might as well change it up as it doesn't alter the meaning.
television muted.  

I think you could make this one better with a quick edit. Hopefully my thoughts help you out a bit.

[kolemath]

@UBP Your readings are always so helpful.  I gutted this poem based on your critique.  I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply, but this one was a big challenge to edit.  Thanks for your patience!  Hope the second draft comes off more clearly.

@WJ Thanks for pointing out clarity issues.  Your critique helped guide my revision, and I really appreciate your response!

[just mercedes]

TRAVEL DREAM (edit 1)

A television prison lights the living room. Unusual word order here, makes a vibrant image.
I'm shackled by the sofa cushions watching nature The sofa cushions are watching nature?
shows on mute. Maybe something like 'Shackled by sofa cushions, I watch nature /...'

Adrift upon a stream of sleep,
the voiceless tone of quiet comes. Who is adrift? The narrator or the vt of quiet? Confusing
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs, I like the transition from reality into fantasy
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shit of foods of every people. Syntax is lost to me here
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
no matter where I listened, the meaning never changed. You've changed tenses in this line, from present to past. Meaning of what never changed?


Then back into the quiet,
awaking to a science show, awakening or waking
television muted,
longing for the moon. Again, confusing - it could be the television or the N who longs for the moon.

I take the longing for the moon to mean that the world isn't enough to contain your need for travel. Nice arc of focus in your poem, from the mute TV to the moon.

[kolemath]

@JM Thanks for pointing out the lack of clarity with my verbs and subjects.

I feel like I'm still struggling with this one.  The process with this one hasn't felt so natural. 

Edit 2 posted!

[cvanshelton]

Hi, Kole. It is nice to meet you, and thanks for putting your stuff out there. Since you have posted this in the Serious Workshop forum, I'm going to critique with the idea that this is something you are wanting to take to publication. Forgive me if this seems brutal, I really just want to help you get down to the very compelling nugget that is in this one. I read your last post about this one not feeling as natural as your other writing; I can relate. But, that usually means something has gone wrong. Let me see if I can help.

First, figure out why you are writing this and who your audience is. Then start caring A LOT about that audience. It will change the way you write to them. Your poem is about a dream you had while drifting off watching TV, but why should anyone care about your dream? Where is the meat of the poem? Give me something I can sink my teeth into. If the theme is about the anesthesia of TV, focus on that; if it is about being globally conscious, go with that, if it is a surrealist exploration of idea and language, go with that. It seems that you went wrong with your initial direction and forgetting your audience. That said, don't be discouraged! There are some great elements here, but you have to prune the superfluous stuff to highlight the gems.

Here are my line by line thoughts:

[b]TRAVEL DREAM (edit 2)
[/b]

A television prison lights the living room - Cut this line, the TV as a prison is not informing the reader of where this poem is going. If you want to keep it, replace "lights" with a different verb. Make it interesting like "strobes" or something that sparks your readers imagination in a thoughtful way. A strong opening is so important, because you have to grab the readers attention and then hold on to it. Same goes with "flicker" below.
with the flicker of a nature show on mute.
Body shackled by sofa cushions 
and drifting down a stream of dreams. - I would scrap the entire opening stanza and replace it with the last line of your poem and then write a new opening stanza from there. "Longing for the moon" is hella compelling and I want to know about that. I don't care about the sofa or TV.

The voiceless tone of quiet comes.
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating. - I like where you are going with the "I" being you floating, but I think your poem will be stronger if you make "I" a sound like the other parts of "Quiet"
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.” - Ok, you need to scrap this. All of it. It is one of those little darlings that are actually getting in the way of the rest of your poem. The idea itself is cool, and maybe you do a different poem about Quiet itself and use the devices there.
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa, Now we are getting into what feels like the essence or center of your poem. But you need to push harder to make it interesting. Hundreds of poems have expressed the idea of arms and legs spanning the globe. Make it more compelling by telling the reader about those arms and legs. Work in an adjective before "left" and "right" like "hungry left foot in...". Does that make sense? Obviously, you will come up with something better, but you get the point. 
summersault into Asia, -
flip up and land in Australia— - These two lines are strong. I like the movement and imagery. Play around with adding interesting adverbs and adjectives; you might find something you really like.
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face, - Tell the reader why that is important.
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shitting foods of every people. - I see where you are going with this, but perhaps there is more to what you left in those countries, even in a dream, than just excretions. You break the rhythm with this line, probably because you use the gerund where you were not before. Maybe use "My shit on every mountian". Adding "foods" doesn't seem to add to your theme, and while interesting, this poem doesn't seem to be about gathering food and eliminating it. Again, play with those adverbs and adjectives a little. Dress up the piss and sweat and shit, the country and ocean a bit. Make the reader care. Keep that death grip on their attention.
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
one word repeats. - Go ahead and say it.

Quiet comes and goes - At this point it just goes. Now tell me how it goes. Does it get strangled, shattered, dissipated? Use something other than "goes". It's weak and your poem deserves better.
to alarm clock buzz dream break.  This has some real brilliance to it. Play with that word order a little bit. The word play is nice and I like the alliteration and consonance here.
Awake.
Turn off muted television science show, - Lose this if you redo the first stanza. Otherwise, dress it up.
body longing for the moon. - Best line in the poem. Move it the the beginning, even if you repeat it here at the end. Make it a starting point and work from there.

I hope that was helpful. I critique, because I care. There's a publishable piece in there for sure. I look forward to seeing your next edit. Cheers!

[Lizzie]

[b]TRAVEL DREAM (edit 2)
[/b]

A television prison lights the living room -- can you omit "living"
with the flicker of a nature show on mute. -- "with the flicker of nature on mute" (?)
Body shackled by sofa cushions 
and drifting down a stream of dreams.

The voiceless tone of quiet comes. -- I would choose between either voiceless or tone. Or, actually, I'd like "the voice of quiet comes."
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shitting foods of every people. -- I can see that you've revised this line a couple of times, and it's still not working for me. Somehow it seems like you're shitting in peoples' food, which I know you're not, but that's the image that comes to me and it's unpleasant. I think you might have to lose the "my" and do "I'm." Or you could do: my shit on every continent. 
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
one word repeats.

Quiet comes and goes 
to alarm clock buzz dream break.  
Awake. -- I like the move to more jarring sonics.
Turn off muted television science show, -- I don't think you need both television and show. Also, I don't think that television moves well into science. Maybe "turn off muted TV science", omitting the show? This would also be a good place to interject another sentence that would contrast with the longing in the last line.
body longing for the moon.


TRAVEL DREAM (edit 1)

A television prison lights the living room. 
I'm shackled by the sofa cushions watching nature 
shows on mute. 

Adrift upon a stream of sleep,
the voiceless tone of quiet comes.
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shit of foods of every people.
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
no matter where I listened, the meaning never changed.


Then back into the quiet,
awaking to a science show,
television muted,
longing for the moon.




TRAVEL DREAM 

Television prison lights the living room,
the shackles of the sofa,
a nature show on mute,
 
drifting away into sleep,
quiet current,
the only sound, the voiceless tone of quiet.
The wind blows ‘qw.’
‘I’ am in the middle.
The ‘e’ is the water beside me.
The ‘t’ is the tap of tree branches.
I stretch my arms and legs,
--left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
sweat in every country,
piss in every ocean,
shit the food of every people,
Siberia, Sahara,
Chile, Canada,
to finally shout an answer
to calling global corners,
but only finding quiet,
then longing for the moon,
 
then waking to a science show,
television muted.  

I think it's getting better each time. Good job!

[kolemath]

Thanks for the input lizziep and cvan!  this one has me tearing my dreads out, so i'm going to give it a week or so and come back.

[RiverNotch]

[b]TRAVEL DREAM (edit 2)[/b]

A television prison lights the living room
with the flicker of a nature show on mute.
Body shackled by sofa cushions 
and drifting down a stream of dreams. I hate fragments (xD) -- comma, uncapitalized body. But however unnecessary "living" (not living) is, it sounds good. Yeah, I like the whole upward (literally) movement of this poem -- this is a good stage to set, rather setting-of-the-stage.

The voiceless tone of quiet comes.
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.” So the surroundings spell out "quiet". Do the images themselves support this notion, so much so that if you left the images and only the images up there, the point will come across? Yes. Does the rest of the poem deal with this idea, of spelling things out, of language coming from the living world? No. Is it at least especially graceful? A little up for debate, but taking all of the poems I've read as a valid sample, this device is usually used as a poem's conceit, and not as a secondary device, its method is so eccentric that it ends up taking away all attention. Thus, why this whole device feels contrived to me, and has felt so since the first edit -- I would rather you kept the images, gutted the first line, then blot out all those quote marks.
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shitting foods of every people. "my shit of foods of every people" makes no sense, and neither does this. "my shitting foods of every people" -- wait, so you own foods, of every people, that shit? xD The first version conveys (and not even conveys best, since it seems to be the only way) what you're trying to say here: my shit, the food[s] of [each and] every people. But I'm in the camp of just scrapping it. As for the rest of the device, well, that's basically the point of the poem, unlike the whole spelling thing, and I do think it's quite graceful -- I especially like "a little dirt from every land dusted on my face". Something someone could shout to make a political point....
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
one word repeats. These last three lines work very well already (aside from the fragment, but only because I hate fragments! xD), but here's a suggestion:
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara: so, every country. But where're the oceans? So,
Ocean 1, Sea 2, Random Body of Water 3, and so on: just to make it symmetrical, separated not by a period, for I truly do hate fragments (yes, even the ones that show up in Walt Whitman), but by commas.
Language 1, Language 2, Dialect 3, and so on: this time, separated from the previous by an em dash, to show that the speaker is moving on. And separated from the following by a comma, because
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds: you're back again! I think enhances the lists really emphasizes that "hundreds, thousands" vibes you're trying to portray.

Quiet comes and goes Sure, quiet returns here, but you still didn't need to spell it out -- the word is the word, not its constituent elements. If all those places you've been spelled something out, or "congealed to create" or whatever whatever, then yes, the device would have worked (if felt still quite contrived), but right now, no. The only case this makes is for not cutting the first line of the last stanza -- hence my more careful suggestion to gut it instead.
to alarm clock buzz dream break.  
Awake. Why did the speaker suddenly forget his grammar here? Again, another contrived device -- there's no sense of build up. "as the alarm clock buzzes, / breaks the dream. I / awake, / turn off..." is my suggestion, but either way, there's no real reason to suddenly give up on proper verb usage.
Turn off muted television science show, Muted, television, science -- I think the piece is short enough so that all these details are still remembered by this point. I know I did. And the repetition doesn't seem to support any points -- remove them. Or maybe just two?
body longing for the moon. Good note to end, though. Good stuff in general.