Prime Minister Since College (explicit language)

[shemthepenman]

edit 2

Prime Minister Since College

after Proust

 

I've seen this toilet seat a hundred times—

more than that,

a hundred more!

There's pink around her middle's yawing verb,

with a pretty little ballerina for a noun;

but her double fisting threesome makes a preposition out of me

then turns us into gold, this trinity,

and wraps me in a web, the spiders way.

edit 1

Prime Minister Since College

after Proust

I've seen this toilet seat a hundred times—

more than that,

a hundred more!

There's pink around her middle's yawning verb,

with a pretty little knitted ballerina for a noun;

but her double fisting threesome makes a preposition out of me

and turns me gold, this trinity,
that wraps me in a web,the spider's way.

original

Prime Minister Since College
(after Proust)

I've seen that toilet seat a million times.
More than that,
a million more;
pink painted round its hole.

Pink's a puking mouth,
a verb,
a pretty little knitted ballerina
all evil fucking eyes
and anal fisting threesomes
dripping out our sloppy toilet love.

I love that toilet.
Makes me gold and trinity,
laminated
and all up webs and spider's way.

[Erthona]

The exaggerated hyperbole at the start is disruptive to the poem as it produces only incredulity and causes the reader to pause, which is never a good thing. Maybe drop it down to A thousand instead. Keeps a person from getting stuck on "how can anyone see something "a million times. More than that, a million more..."

"I've seen that toilet seat a thousand times; pink painted round its hole."

Does that really change the meaning in a significant way. If it does for you, it is not clear, or I am dense.  50/50

The punctuation in S2 is a little rough. need an "an" after "and" in S1 L5.

The idea of something "dripping out our sloppy toilet love." seems a bit nonsensical. Overflows, sloshes, etc., yes, but drips? Possibly dripping over the toilet if you are referring to the puke.

"gold and trinity"   I have no idea. Individually I understand these two words, but they make no sense to me when combined. I suppose trinity could be an oblique reference to the Christian god.

Oh yes, I wanted to ask, when the speaker says "dripping out our sloppy toilet love" is this the same toilet that was referred to above. I think the writer would have to forgive the reader for drawing that conclusion.

Good to see you around, sorry I could not really offer much in the way of decent criticism.

dale

PS Sorry. For some reason I misread the title (I thought it said "this year") which puts it in a different light. Brain fart day I guess. Will return later to see if it makes more sense. 

[shemthepenman]

dale, you are a modest fucker indeed. your advice is second to none.
the exaggerated hyperbole is not something significant and i generally try not to do that. don't know why i did here. and a thousand or maybe even a hundred is  far better.

the punctuation in s2 is a problem. will think on. but must confess, don't see why the 'an' is necessary in this instance.

oh damn, you might be right about 'dripping'. however, dripping sounds as sexual as needs be. as in 'her cunt was dripping wet'. . . dripping in any other instance is weak, but here, in this context, it is quite sloppy, no?

threesome, trinity... golden shower. . . etc etc. layer layer, blah blah. not sure now, though.

it could be the same toilet. and the writer, moi, would have absolutely no problem with the reader for drawing this conclusion.

thanks dale. and good to see you around, too.

The exaggerated hyperbole at the start is disruptive to the poem as it produces only incredulity and causes the reader to pause, which is never a good thing. Maybe drop it down to A thousand instead. Keeps a person from getting stuck on "how can anyone see something "a million times. More than that, a million more..."

"I've seen that toilet seat a thousand times; pink painted round its hole."

Does that really change the meaning in a significant way. If it does for you, it is not clear, or I am dense.  50/50

The punctuation in S2 is a little rough. need an "an" after "and" in S1 L5.

The idea of something "dripping out our sloppy toilet love." seems a bit nonsensical. Overflows, sloshes, etc., yes, but drips? Possibly dripping over the toilet if you are referring to the puke.

"gold and trinity"   I have no idea. Individually I understand these two words, but they make no sense to me when combined. I suppose trinity could be an oblique reference to the Christian god.

Oh yes, I wanted to ask, when the speaker says "dripping out our sloppy toilet love" is this the same toilet that was referred to above. I think the writer would have to forgive the reader for drawing that conclusion.



Good to see you around, sorry I could not really offer much in the way of decent criticism.

dale

[Lizzie]

Penman, I haven't seen this one since it was originally posted. It's more polished now, but the original had a more authentic sounding voice (apart from the "millions" claim ). I'll offer you a couple of thoughts on revision 2, though.

edit 2

Prime Minister Since College

after Proust

 

I've seen this toilet seat a hundred times— -- do you need seat? It's more of just a toilet, seems to me.

more than that,

a hundred more! -- I don't see the point of repeating the hundred bit. Even though it doubles the amount, it doesn't add anything to the poem. The title already brags, so having the first part of the poem be more of that is a bit one-note.

There's pink around her middle's yawing verb, -- I'd recommend re-structuring this sentence to avoid the static verb. Choose a stronger verb and work the sentence around it. Also, 'middle' makes me think waist or midriff and that's very confusing. Maybe bottom or......whatever delightful way of saying booty you can come up with. I do like 'yawning verb.'

with a pretty little ballerina for a noun; -- 'little' is weak and so is 'pretty.' More interesting word choices, I should think. I do like the ballerina image (specifically the resemblance to a tutu).

but her double fisting threesome makes a preposition out of me -- here is where I think the cleverness of the grammatical comparisons begins to wear -- it's overextended. I may feel differently if you ended the line on a different word than "me," because coming off of the delicate description of the anus back to focusing on the speaker is jarring. I'd hyphenate double-fisting. I also think that it's unclear what "her" is modifying now -- you seem to reference a woman first, but the anus could also be referred to as her, especially when you suggest that she/it possesses the sex act. That phrasing is awkward.

then turns us into gold, this trinity, -- maybe "into trinity" instead, or "into golden trinity" -- 'this' before trinity is a vague modifier

and wraps me in a web, the spiders way. -- the image of a spider's web is lovely. Strong finish.

I wish you'd bring back the word love. The sense of connection and devotion to the other's body is muddled in this one.

I think you could have something here if you continued in the vein of spider web, tutu/ballerina, yawn: leading with metaphor/imagery/simile.

I'd use the anus as the focal point of the poem -- an ode to the tutu. It's more engaging than the booty-conquistador angle, which isn't particularly fresh.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie