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I fall into a trance, a state,
a heightened (higher?) sense of being,
write broken words with broken pen
that quivers like a living thing.
(Twice broken...bones? Change word "thing".)
The hum behind me comforts
by its power and disposition.
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide (stow?)away.
It’s better when the sun is high
(above? “It” is unrelated. Define.)
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin?
When I land. When I land, no if.
We shuffle (sternly?) back,
we three who dare,
the gaping door is pristine bright
with rushing, glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one-stand, two-step,three-
(free) fall and through.
Words are coming to me
faster than I speak.
I mean before 10,000 feet,
not before this week.
(I may delete that line,
assuming I'm not dead)
The light is on, glowing red,
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge;
Is that normal?
White, I mean?
Damn...this paper won't lie still.
Green light, he’s up,
he's through, he’s gone.
A silhouette, a moment long.
Great god above, he did not drop.
Did you see?
Did you see?
He seemed to jerk
off to the left (port?).
Did you see?
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me.
Red light. Red light.
Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…damn.
Green light, green light.
Gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him
stand, step, fall
Exit left. ( A cliché call)
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse,
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door.
Shuffle.
The line is dragging.
Check the hook.
A glance away, confirming look.
There is the door....
the sky-wide door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye.
tectak
2017
( maybe should be in fun I enjoyed writing it too much)
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey tectak,
I enjoyed reading this poem. Parts of it reminded me of a writing group I used to be a part of many years ago. A professor ran that group at the university that I used to attend, and some of your lines in this poem sound just like some of the things he used to say. I'll go into more detail below:
(04-26-2017, 11:38 PM)tectak Wrote: I fall into a trance, a state, -This line is crucial because I am assuming this is the falling you refer to in the title.
a heightened (higher?) sense of being, -I like the use of the bracketed words throughout. It gave the poem a real meta feel. I was hoping that the bracket words would make some sort of hidden message though.
write broken words with broken pen
that quivers like a living thing.
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing". -I am sure that professor I mentioned said something like the second half of this line to me about one my poems.
The hum behind me comforts
by its strength and disposition. -Where is the hum coming from? I've read this poem many times, and I am still a bit unclear about that.
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide away. -I'm assuming this is referring back the openness that comes from being in the trance.
It’s better when the sun is high (above?).
“It” is unrelated. Define. -I like this line. The meta elements in this poem add well to the whole trance concept.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin? -I found these three lines a bit jarring. What does this say about the trance?
When I land. When I land, no if.
We shuffle (sternly?) back,
we three who dare,
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through. This stanza has a dream-like element to it, which works because of the speaker being in a trance. My only question is who are the "three who dare"?
Words are coming to me
faster than before, -I get the impression here that the writing while in the trance is causing the speaker to fall out of the trance.
I mean before 10,000 feet,
not before this week. -Is this referring to a deadline for the speaker/writer? That's what it made me think of.
I may delete that line. -Please don't.
The light glows red, -Even after reading this poem several times, I am completely lost on why you suddenly start talking about traffic lights.
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge;
Is that normal?
White, I mean? --I love the last two lines here. My first thought was that you were commenting on race, but then I started to wonder if you were talking paper.
Damn this paper..won't lie still. -Keeping the title in mind, does the trance start to end because the papers begin to blow away?
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone. -Why a green light? I still don't get the traffic light references.
A silhouette held for a moment. --I love how this line sounds.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see? -I don't know if the repetition here is necessary.
He seemed to jerk
off to the left (port?);
did you see? -I think by already repeating this line above, it detracts from the impact of repeating it here.
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me. -This sounds almost scary, but is consistent with being in a trance.
Red light. Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light. -Again, I don't get the traffic light imagery. How does it relate to being in a trance?
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap.
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
Cliché. Change it. -It's funny because I thought this exact line when I read the previous line. This line might actually might the cliche of the previous line work. That is something impressive.
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt. -The speaker is coming out of his trance.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse,
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door. -I thought he was in a field? Did the notes blow away and end up inside somewhere?
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook. -Is referring to the hook on the door? I think this is an image that could be expressed more clearly.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye. -I think the last seven lines flow wonderfully. I just don't get their meaning.
tectak
2017
( maybe should be in fun I enjoyed writing it too much) This poem has some wonderful elements to it. My biggest issue is that I just don't see how the traffic light imagery relates to the rest of the poem. I could be missing something though. It wouldn't be the first time.
Cheers,
Richard
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(04-29-2017, 12:48 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey tectak,
I enjoyed reading this poem. Parts of it reminded me of a writing group I used to be a part of many years ago. A professor ran that group at the university that I used to attend, and some of your lines in this poem sound just like some of the things he used to say. I'll go into more detail below:
(04-26-2017, 11:38 PM)tectak Wrote: I fall into a trance, a state, -This line is crucial because I am assuming this is the falling you refer to in the title.
a heightened (higher?) sense of being, -I like the use of the bracketed words throughout. It gave the poem a real meta feel. I was hoping that the bracket words would make some sort of hidden message though.
write broken words with broken pen
that quivers like a living thing.
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing". -I am sure that professor I mentioned said something like the second half of this line to me about one my poems.
The hum behind me comforts
by its strength and disposition. -Where is the hum coming from? I've read this poem many times, and I am still a bit unclear about that.
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide away. -I'm assuming this is referring back the openness that comes from being in the trance.
It’s better when the sun is high (above?).
“It” is unrelated. Define. -I like this line. The meta elements in this poem add well to the whole trance concept.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin? -I found these three lines a bit jarring. What does this say about the trance?
When I land. When I land, no if.
We shuffle (sternly?) back,
we three who dare,
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through. This stanza has a dream-like element to it, which works because of the speaker being in a trance. My only question is who are the "three who dare"?
Words are coming to me
faster than before, -I get the impression here that the writing while in the trance is causing the speaker to fall out of the trance.
I mean before 10,000 feet,
not before this week. -Is this referring to a deadline for the speaker/writer? That's what it made me think of.
I may delete that line. -Please don't.
The light glows red, -Even after reading this poem several times, I am completely lost on why you suddenly start talking about traffic lights.
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge;
Is that normal?
White, I mean? --I love the last two lines here. My first thought was that you were commenting on race, but then I started to wonder if you were talking paper.
Damn this paper..won't lie still. -Keeping the title in mind, does the trance start to end because the papers begin to blow away?
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone. -Why a green light? I still don't get the traffic light references.
A silhouette held for a moment. --I love how this line sounds.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see? -I don't know if the repetition here is necessary.
He seemed to jerk
off to the left (port?);
did you see? -I think by already repeating this line above, it detracts from the impact of repeating it here.
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me. -This sounds almost scary, but is consistent with being in a trance.
Red light. Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light. -Again, I don't get the traffic light imagery. How does it relate to being in a trance?
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap.
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
Cliché. Change it. -It's funny because I thought this exact line when I read the previous line. This line might actually might the cliche of the previous line work. That is something impressive.
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt. -The speaker is coming out of his trance.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse,
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door. -I thought he was in a field? Did the notes blow away and end up inside somewhere?
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook. -Is referring to the hook on the door? I think this is an image that could be expressed more clearly.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye. -I think the last seven lines flow wonderfully. I just don't get their meaning.
tectak
2017
( maybe should be in fun I enjoyed writing it too much) This poem has some wonderful elements to it. My biggest issue is that I just don't see how the traffic light imagery relates to the rest of the poem. I could be missing something though. It wouldn't be the first time.
Cheers,
Richard
Hi rich,
you got fixated too early. Falling, 10000 feet, when I land.....it is a guy's (girls) notes on his way up to do a parachute jump. The red and green lights are the jump lights. The hum is the aircraft engine noise coming in through the open door, the hook is the attachment to the static line, I really did find a sheet of note paper in a field some twenty years ago...just notes.I found the piece of paper in a 35mm transparencies slide file last week. I often wondered if he or she lived 
Best and thanks,
tectak. ...must have been a parachuting poet...or a fallen one 
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi tectak. I found the write a bit confusing if you were writing about parachuting, even if it was metaphor. Seems more like you have two or more things going on at once here, but I will try to pick it apart better. Here goes my critique. I hope it is helpful to ya.
I fall into a trance, a state, here's where I am confused are you parachuting or in a trance?
a heightened (higher?) sense of being, choose heightened or higher
write broken words with broken pen two brokens seems unimaginative
that quivers like a living thing. quivers is not shivers, I see a leather pouch that holds arrows
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing". there's those arrows again, confused about bones, don't critique in your poem
The hum behind me comforts okay this line stands alone, better yet eliminate the noise above
by its strength and disposition. and use the last 6 lines as your entire first stanza
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide away.
It’s better when the sun is high (above?). Here's a good start to your poem on parachuting
“It” is unrelated. Define. You are pushing a subject matter others cannot comprehend.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin?
When I land. When I land, no if. Do jumpers really think this?
We shuffle (sternly?) back, parenthesis should only be used if you have something to add
we three who dare, suddenly two others enter the scene, clean this up
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through. these are really good lines
Words are coming to me
faster than before,
I mean before 10,000 feet, this seems very immature and weird
not before this week.
I may delete that line. this stuff is junky
The light glows red, okay these four technical lines about jumping, good
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge; these next three lines don't fit
Is that normal?
White, I mean?
Damn this paper..won't lie still. confusion, disorder
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone.
A silhouette held for a moment.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see?
He seemed to jerk save this entire stanza
off to the left (port?); for another work
did you see?
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me.
Red light. Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light.
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap. is it him or I?
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
Cliché. Change it. more of this...
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse,
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door.
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye. I like the structure of the last stanza, but it doesn't help the chaotic read.
tectak
2017
Okay, wow. I was bouncing around and feeling like a cartoon that has those tiny bubbles popping over my head or maybe even birds circling (not buzzards, more finches hahaha). I think you might have three poems here. One on writing and the thoughts of a poet, one on parachuting, and one on chaos all by itself, away from the other poems. It certainly conveys something and it is amusing. It even had some elements of the childhood game red light green light, though I don't really remember how that game was played because of a sudden onset of memory loss that has come over me. But it is all good. I am a bit disappointed more have not jumped in to help...seems you've been here for a time and must have some loyal comrades. Have a great day tectak, thank you for the smile. I hope your day is filled with happiness, peace and beauty.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(04-29-2017, 09:36 PM)nibbed Wrote: Hi tectak. I found the write a bit confusing if you were writing about parachuting, even if it was metaphor. Seems more like you have two or more things going on at once here, but I will try to pick it apart better. Here goes my critique. I hope it is helpful to ya.
I fall into a trance, a state, here's where I am confused are you parachuting or in a trance?
a heightened (higher?) sense of being, choose heightened or higher
write broken words with broken pen two brokens seems unimaginative
that quivers like a living thing. quivers is not shivers, I see a leather pouch that holds arrows
Twice broken (bones?) Avoid word "thing". there's those arrows again, confused about bones, don't critique in your poem
The hum behind me comforts okay this line stands alone, better yet eliminate the noise above
by its strength and disposition. and use the last 6 lines as your entire first stanza
No nervousness or doubts
but sureness, constancy.
Writing is not easy here,
there is no where to hide away.
It’s better when the sun is high (above?). Here's a good start to your poem on parachuting
“It” is unrelated. Define. You are pushing a subject matter others cannot comprehend.
What if when at last I land
my legs should buckle into me,
and thrust up through my groin?
When I land. When I land, no if. Do jumpers really think this?
We shuffle (sternly?) back, parenthesis should only be used if you have something to add
we three who dare, suddenly two others enter the scene, clean this up
the door is bright with glowing air;
if that is all I need to do,
one stand, one step,
one fall and through. these are really good lines
Words are coming to me
faster than before,
I mean before 10,000 feet, this seems very immature and weird
not before this week.
I may delete that line. this stuff is junky
The light glows red, okay these four technical lines about jumping, good
I did not see
the hue before…
it is on me.
I am no longer white but rouge; these next three lines don't fit
Is that normal?
White, I mean?
Damn this paper..won't lie still. confusion, disorder
Green light, he’s up, he’s gone.
A silhouette held for a moment.
Great god above, he did not drop;
did you see?
Did you see?
He seemed to jerk save this entire stanza
off to the left (port?); for another work
did you see?
I am not sure
that words are
coming out of me.
Red light. Red light. Red light.
This pen is all I have to…
damn, green light, green light.
He’s gone. He’s gone.
I never saw him leap. is it him or I?
Stand, step, gone.
Exit left.
(Cliché. Change it.) more of this...
Seconds now,
I write this so
that I will know
just how I felt.
There is a strange
ear-throbbing pulse,
church organ pipe,
once I shuffle
to the door.
Shuffle.
The hook drags.
Check the hook.
There is the door....
the wide open door.
Red light.
Red light.
Red light.
I should say good-bye.
Good bye.
Green light.
Good bye. I like the structure of the last stanza, but it doesn't help the chaotic read.
tectak
2017
Okay, wow. I was bouncing around and feeling like a cartoon that has those tiny bubbles popping over my head or maybe even birds circling (not buzzards, more finches hahaha). I think you might have three poems here. One on writing and the thoughts of a poet, one on parachuting, and one on chaos all by itself, away from the other poems. It certainly conveys something and it is amusing. It even had some elements of the childhood game red light green light, though I don't really remember how that game was played because of a sudden onset of memory loss that has come over me. But it is all good. I am a bit disappointed more have not jumped in to help...seems you've been here for a time and must have some loyal comrades. Have a great day tectak, thank you for the smile. I hope your day is filled with happiness, peace and beauty.
Hi Nibbe,
Thank you for your read and comments.See my reply to rich for the spoiler.
Yep...I've been here for a long time...those who know me know I don't do obscure unless piss-taking. A bad habit.
Though I have knowledge a priori of the thinking when going up for a first jump...no metaphor...I have never jumped myself. Apart from the veracity of the note in a field, this is all fantasy and imagination...it is tinted, heavily, with how I imagine I might feel....take it from there.
Best,
tectakl
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey tectak,
The info about the parachuting does answer most of my questions. My only suggestion would be to make the fact that the fall is from a parachute jump a bit more apparent in the beginning of the poem. I've never gone parachuting (and probably never will because I have no sense of adventure), so it was actually new information for me that they use red and green lights for that purpose. I look forward to seeing what you do with this poem moving forward.
Cheers,
Richard
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(04-30-2017, 02:06 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey tectak,
The info about the parachuting does answer most of my questions. My only suggestion would be to make the fact that the fall is from a parachute jump a bit more apparent in the beginning of the poem. I've never gone parachuting (and probably never will because I have no sense of adventure), so it was actually new information for me that they use red and green lights for that purpose. I look forward to seeing what you do with this poem moving forward.
Cheers,
Richard
OK rich,
changes made.
I got asked about line lengths recently. I postulated that long read langorous, short read staccato. In this I tried to start off pensive and relaxed with anxiety growing towards that final jump. The rest is surmise
Thanks for your input.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey tectak,
I think your revisions greatly improved the clarity of this being about a parachute jump. I liked the original draft, but I like this version even more.
Nice work,
Richard
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