Villanelle contest

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Shockingly obvious title considering the words but
"Bring your heart right back."


For warrior waters may suffocate a sleeping sea
and break dams and bridges in rioting river.
Bring your heart right back to me.

The stars in gothic sky may not be
free to pound like the whiskey at my liver
for warrior waters may suffocate a sleeping sea.

Charge on horses upon weeping tree
to break the mould, leave only a sliver.
Bring your heart right back to me.

Shoot your guns, rebuild your knee
on our land, with words you deliver
for warrior waters may suffocate a sleeping sea.

I will make another desperate plea
that my weary core still makes blades shiver.
Bring your heart right back to me.

Finally with the wind I turn and flee
with trees and whiskey and mould I quiver
for warrior waters may suffocate a sleeping sea.
"Bring your heart right back to me."

[billy]

great form peter great form, as cap'n cook would say.
i however will say, nicely done in sticking to the form L.A.
and the poem is okay as well. thanks for taking part.

[billy]

way to go moobs. another with great form.
the poem certainly works well, thanks for taking part.
i really love when something good and unexpected happens on
the poetry side.

this forum isn't really a crit one. though it is best to say if something is veering away from the quest.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Bad Blood
A villanelle

Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
When she was nine she first noticed her coming of age
and imagined her brother, Pete.

She bleached the bathroom, to keep her mind neat
and clean, like a white, new page.
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.

She took a walk to cool the heat
aimlessly attempting to cool the rage
and imagined her brother, Pete.

He was blue eyed, tall, smelt like wheat
and sage,
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.

He entered her head while she sat at her seat,
locked inside a call centre cage,
and imagined her brother, Pete.

Seductive art; the final stage.
A screaming heart to an unwholesome beat
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet
and imagined her brother, Pete.

[billy]

the repeats are really good on this one L.A.
and it flows really well.
though sat at her desk seat, feels a little forced.
thanks for a dark read

feel free to set your own parameters for a practice.

[Leanne]

Maid in Australia

Edit 6/6/11:

Smothered in Vegemite spread
I am a sandwich for two
Dinkum from toenail to head

Here in your rusty tin shed
Lay me in hay for a screw
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Prove you’re a real thoroughbred
Drown me in dodgy home brew
Dinkum from toenail to head

If I don’t tickle you red
Dream I’m a small kangaroo
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Down in the dusty creek bed
Crickets are crooning “True Blue”
Dinkum from toenail to head

In the spring, when we are wed
I’ll bring my mum to bed too
Smothered in Vegemite spread
Dinkum from toenail to head


Original version:

Smothered in Vegemite spread
I am a sandwich for two
Dinkum from toenails to head

Here in your rusty tin shed
Lay me in hay for a screw
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Prove you’re a real thoroughbred
Drown me in dodgy home brew
Dinkum from toenails to head

If I don’t tickle you red
Dream I’m a small kangaroo
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Down in the dusty creek bed
Crickets are crooning “True Blue”
Dinkum from toenails to head

One day soon, when we are wed
I’ll bring my mum to bed too
Smothered in Vegemite spread
Dinkum from toenails to head

[billy]

Maid in Australia

Smothered in Vegemite spread
I am a sandwich for two
Dinkum from toenails to head

Here in your rusty tin shed
Lay me in hay for a screw
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Prove you’re a real thoroughbred i know it has the proper sil count it just feels a little clunky to me
Drown me in dodgy home brew
Dinkum from toenails to head

If I don’t tickle you red
Dream I’m a small kangaroo
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Down in the dusty creek bed
Crickets are crooning “True Blue”
Dinkum from toenails to head

One day soon, when we are wed feels a little forced
I’ll bring my mum to bed too
Smothered in Vegemite spread
Dinkum from toenails to head

i really enjoyed the piece and like that it uses modern syntax. the rhyme is perfect. the two lines used in the refrain are light though for me the reversal of the head to toe in order to negate using a cliché, loses a little in the plural of toenail.
would toenail to head flow easier?


i love the title which works well as part of the poem. lots of poetic devices at use for me it's a nifty little tongue in cheeker, (not literally, though it could be ) that if you know what Vegemite is.
evrything is said is just my take and jmo on the poem.

thanks for a light hearted look at an Aussie romp.
ps i did like how mum was also offered in the last verse.

[Leanne]

Toenail does work better actually.

Thoroughbred, in my accent (well, the accent I use when I need to totally Oz it up), sounds like thurra-BREAD, which gives me an extra pun if I'm reading it aloud.

The first line of the last stanza has been changed a few times and I haven't settled on something I like yet. I might try "one fine day". Hmm. It always makes me happy when people pick up the problems I've had myself. Many thanks!

[billy]

it's actually good that we can actually leave a proper opinion without getting face slapped

it was good to see a poem off you as well.

[Leanne]

I'm more likely to slap people for "oh my goshing".

Don't do it. I'm very vicious.

[billy]

i'll try my hand at a vill, though i'm not too well up on it hehe,

[Leanne]

They're not so scary. Just be careful of the end words of your refrain -- I find it's often best to choose words that work as both nouns and verbs so that you can play with grammar.

They're a very good form for complete absurdity.