Wet

[CarrieChristo]

Wet

When the clouds came
The rain moaned down as sheets
Severed sidewalks, filled their pleats
Made the aspens kiss the streets
Then licked my skin.
In the coolness of the storm
I swear you said “Come in.”
From the cobwebs of the closet
You ducked and plucked your boots
Put them on my feet
Tied the laces neat.
We walked hand-in-hand down asphalt
Mined street signs for their cobalt
Pressed the words into our tongues
Ignoring dust may clog our lungs
Embraced the pelting sleet.

And in the eve of greater promise
You watched me dance.
Winking at the sky
It left you in a trance
It was then that you decided
We must be horribly misguided
So you searched the merchants
For umbrellas and  warm sweaters
To protect us from the weather
My titled chin thought she knew better
But if we still glide puddles together
I’ll give it a chance.
I blame
The drunken stupor of romance
Because as the walk-signs started running
And the buildings turned to towers
I felt the overbearing power
Of a girl singing in the shower
When the lights go out.
And the water runs cold.
And the songs turn into screaming
While she’s panicking for meaning
Learning warmth is merely fleeting
And objects that welcome water turn to mold.

Believe the lies you’re told
And you’ll wince as his hands
Quickly start to fold
Around umbrella grips
That he gave you to hold
And before your eyes find anger
They find emptiness and shock
So uncontrolled.
He leaves now without looking back
And while you never ask for comfort
This somehow feels like attack
And you’re unconsoled.
Perched under the parkway
Sprouting mold
 

[Todd]

Hi CarrieChristo,

I tend to not comment on poems like this (irregular with a lot of rhyme). I find myself at odds. On the one hand I think force it all into a pattern on the other hand, I get a sense of rhythm from it that I like and I organically want to leavie that aspect of it alone. I'm going with leave it alone and comment within the style it sets. Others may have different sensibilities and I'll let them comment accordingly.

All that aside, while I like the cadence of it. It does feel that it could be tightened. It also has some rhymes and areas that feel a bit forced to me--or I at least don't think they work. Here goes.

 

Wet--I'm mixed on the title. Simple isn't bad but in this case it doesn't add a whole lot and feels like more of a placeholder.

When the clouds came--opening feels like it could be cut without hurting much. Rain implies clouds but may not need to establish them.
The rain moaned down as sheets--moaned is interesting. Sheets is a pretty common way to describe rain.
Severed sidewalks, filled their pleats--severed sidewalks is a good way to describe flooding but I'm having a hard time seeing pleats here. I get where you are going but it feels more used for the rhyme than a description you've really earned.
Made the aspens kiss the streets--this on the other hand is lovely.
Then licked my skin.--sensual and nice addition.
In the coolness of the storm --feels like filler you could cut.
I swear you said “Come in.”
From the cobwebs of the closet--like the alliteration.
You ducked and plucked your boots
Put them on my feet
Tied the laces neat.--outside of dockers most boots don't have laces. This is a minor stumble on that point and makes it feel like neat exists for the rhyme and nothing more.
We walked hand-in-hand down asphalt
Mined street signs for their cobalt--is cobalt really in street signs. Again I like the above line, and I do like the sound of it all but if eels a bit forced. Whie there is a potential possibility for neat above with docker style boots. I can't see this sort of mining. 
Pressed the words into our tongues--like this line a lot.
Ignoring dust may clog our lungs--be better if you could establish the dust a bit more earlier cobwebs are a start may need one more earlier element.
Embraced the pelting sleet.

And in the eve of greater promise--line feels like filler and could probably be cut.
You watched me dance.
Winking at the sky
It left you in a trance--the previous line probably needs to establish this or it will feel a bit too forced.
It was then that you decided
We must be horribly misguided
So you searched the merchants
For umbrellas and  warm sweaters--the plural sweaters probably needs to be sinular for a cleaner sounding rhyme.
To protect us from the weather
My titled chin thought she knew better
But if we still glide puddles together--lovely phrasing with this line.
I’ll give it a chance.
I blame
The drunken stupor of romance --chance/romance feels a bit forced from the puddle line something else maybe.
Because as the walk-signs started running--this is expressed well.
And the buildings turned to towers--maybe singular as building turned to tower
I felt the overbearing power
Of a girl singing in the shower
When the lights go out.
And the water runs cold.
And the songs turn into screaming
While she’s panicking for meaning
Learning warmth is merely fleeting-this entire progression from shower to fleeting is one of the better content riffs in the poem. I suspect that the heart of the poem is this existential observation. The poem might actually be this tight observation of the futility of meaning and fleeting warmth. You could potentially savagely condense it all down. Just a thought.
And objects that welcome water turn to mold.

Believe the lies you’re told
And you’ll wince as his hands
Quickly start to fold
Around umbrella grips
That he gave you to hold--a bit clunky here
And before your eyes find anger
They find emptiness and shock--these two lines are too telling stay with the imagery not the interpretation.
So uncontrolled.
He leaves now without looking back
And while you never ask for comfort
This somehow feels like attack
And you’re unconsoled.
Perched under the parkway
Sprouting mold--looses some steam in this stanza.
 

I hope some of that will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Brownlie]

Wet

When the clouds came - Do you need when? The clouds came. Isn't that stronger?
The rain moaned down as sheets -- How does rain moan as sheets? Sheets don't carry an auditory sensation. Maybe in sheets?
Severed sidewalks, filled their pleats - Couplets kind of suck. Just my opinion [edited]
Made the aspens kiss the streets -- Aspens just stand there, erect and stupid. 
Then licked my skin. -- What the hell is going on? If someone is licking skin, they're probably searching for a toothbrush in the near future. 
In the coolness of the storm
I swear you said “Come in.” -- Just throwing something out there. Sex storms are cliched. Why not have sex on a boring ass day and have everybody burst into flames because it was loud as crap and annoying. 
From the cobwebs of the closet -- Cobwebs of the closet? The  closet's cobwebs? Avoid unnecessary words. If you  have to edit, prune the shit out of whatever you can. I guess people hate reading, so reducing the word count is a sure-fire editing technique.
You ducked and plucked your boots
Put them on my feet
Tied the laces neat. - Tied the laces neat. This sounds like an email where you have to sound out of breath. 
We walked hand-in-hand down asphalt -- Down asphalt. Why emphasize asphalt? Every street is f'in asphalt. What's so  special about that it warrants the last word in a line. 
Mined street signs for their cobalt
Pressed the words into our tongues -- Everybody says words. Should tongue and words be in the same line in a poem nowadays? Idk, you better have a damn good reason. [edited]
Ignoring dust may clog our lungs --No shit. Is this a hazard sign without proper caps and colors for the warning?
Embraced the pelting sleet.

And in the eve of greater promise - The eve of greater promise? You can do better.  
You watched me dance.
Winking at the sky -- I never wink at the sky  unless I look up and it's raining. What are you? A turkey drowning to death?
It left you in a trance
It was then that you decided
We must be horribly misguided
So you searched the merchants -- The merchants? Are you  looking for a job at the mall and asking the help desk for a list of who is hiring? Or, do you like to hearken back to the days when shylock is a money grabbing bastard searching for a flank steak from some neckbeard ass dude who tries to get laid with stupid puzzles. 
For umbrellas and  warm sweaters
To protect us from the weather
My titled chin thought she knew better
But if we still glide puddles together
I’ll give it a chance.
I blame
The drunken stupor of romance
Because as the walk-signs started running
And the buildings turned to towers
I felt the overbearing power
Of a girl singing in the shower
When the lights go out.
And the water runs cold.
And the songs turn into screaming
While she’s panicking for meaning
Learning warmth is merely fleeting
And objects that welcome water turn to mold.

Believe the lies you’re told
And you’ll wince as his hands
Quickly start to fold
Around umbrella grips
That he gave you to hold
And before your eyes find anger
They find emptiness and shock
So uncontrolled.
He leaves now without looking back
And while you never ask for comfort
This somehow feels like attack
And you’re unconsoled.
Perched under the parkway
Sprouting mold
 

This critique has been edited in response to complaints received from members other than the OP. It has been left largely intact, however, as although the critic is rather obnoxious, he is also providing solid feedback in the spirit of the workshop.  All members are reminded that critique is not the place to show off and demand attention/ Admin

[CRNDLSM]

Honestly not sure what I'm reading.  I guess the storm works as a sexual innuendo, the rhymes are interestingly placed enough throughout, 

Wet

When the clouds came
The rain moaned down as sheets
Severed sidewalks, filled their pleats folds in the sidewalk? The creases and cracks
Made the aspens kiss the streets rain knocked over trees?
Then licked my skin.
In the coolness of the storm
I swear you said “Come in.” so you're at his/her house?
From the cobwebs of the closet this line is too funny for the innuendo
You ducked and plucked your boots
Put them on my feet this is weird to me, because youre not dressed for the activities youre about to do, theyre kind of protecting you
Tied the laces neat.
We walked hand-in-hand down asphalt
Mined street signs for their cobalt the only thing I picture now is two young kids stealing street signs
Pressed the words into our tongues
Ignoring dust may clog our lungs dust in the rain sounds farfetched, easily clogs but then I think it's more mud
Embraced the pelting sleet.

And in the eve of greater promise
You watched me dance.
Winking at the sky
It left you in a trance
It was then that you decided
We must be horribly misguided
So you searched the merchants
For umbrellas and  warm sweaters
To protect us from the weather
My titled chin thought she knew better
But if we still glide puddles together
I’ll give it a chance.
I blame this seems like where there'd be another strophe but I like it how it is.
The drunken stupor of romance
Because as the walk-signs started running running like water dripping, running like you imagine the character in a crosswalk signs attitude about crossing the street running?
And the buildings turned to towers this is ominous, are you alone or is the other person still with you? Are you still wearing their boots??
I felt the overbearing power
Of a girl singing in the shower
When the lights go out. I like this, power outages are startling
And the water runs cold.
And the songs turn into screaming screaming sounds over exaggerated.  
While she’s panicking for meaning very dangerous in a shower, precariously close to slipping
Learning warmth is merely fleeting the storm was cool, so being out of it was warm? 
And objects that welcome water turn to mold. I really like this mold business

Believe the lies you’re told but there are too many lies in the world for this sentence to help I think
And you’ll wince as his hands
Quickly start to fold
Around umbrella grips
That he gave you to hold
And before your eyes find anger anger cause they gave you boots and an umbrella to be warm in the cold, why didn't you go with them? Do you still have the boots???
They find emptiness and shock
So uncontrolled.
He leaves now without looking back
And while you never ask for comfort
This somehow feels like attack you had let your defenses down to to go out in the storm
And you’re unconsoled.
Perched under the parkway what is a parkway? Is that like a freeway or highway, an overpass of sorts..
Sprouting mold
 And I like how you end it, but the trouble is the confusion of what just happened, how did they just leave? And why did you just stand there? Nice rhymes and rhythms throughout, 

[Lizzie]

Hi CarrieChristo. This one needs some pruning back to keep it true to the storyline and imagery. But it's carried my interest along by the interesting images and turns of phrase you have. In poetry, less is more -- it's the craft of saying as much as possible in as few words as possible. The good news is that your poem will be stronger for it.

OK, onward.

Wet

When the clouds came -- I would consider making this line your title and beginning the poem on the next line
The rain moaned down as sheets -- saying that rain came down like sheets is a cliche, but you've modified it and I think it works here because sheets plays in to the motif of a sexual relationship. My only quibble is that 'moaned down' is hard for me to say, so I'd play around with the wording and word choice to see if you can get that to flow more smoothly.
Severed sidewalks, filled their pleats -- I'm struggling to visualize this
Made the aspens kiss the streets -- beautiful line
Then licked my skin. -- also lovely -- I like the personification of the rain, but here you do have a continuity problem with your metaphors: sheets can't lick...
In the coolness of the storm
I swear you said “Come in.” -- another good line -- I like the direct address to another person
From the cobwebs of the closet
You ducked and plucked your boots -- I don't like the inversion of 'you ducked.' I'd prefer: "You ducked from the cobwebs of the closet, and plucked your boots."
Put them on my feet
Tied the laces neat. -- incomplete sentence with a missing comma at the end of the last line. And you don't need to capitalize the beginning of each line -- it's just confusing for the reader.
We walked hand-in-hand down asphalt
Mined street signs for their cobalt -- assuming that this is possible to do, how does this advance the poem? What is the cobalt for? What's the meaning of this line for the poem, or is it here for the rhyme?
Pressed the words into our tongues -- period at the end here?
Ignoring dust may clog our lungs -- you're out in the rain, and now there's dust? I thought the dust was inside in the closet?? Confused.
Embraced the pelting sleet. -- the lack of appropriate punctuation is becoming irksome. This isn't a complete sentence.

And in the eve of greater promise -- no idea what greater promise means here
You watched me dance.
Winking at the sky
It left you in a trance
It was then that you decided
We must be horribly misguided
So you searched the merchants
For umbrellas and  warm sweaters
To protect us from the weather
My titled chin thought she knew better -- what's a titled chin?
But if we still glide puddles together
I’ll give it a chance.
I blame
The drunken stupor of romance
Because as the walk-signs started running -- my favorite line. It's obviously not literal, and it serves to quicken the pace of the poem and heighten the tension. I wish I'd written it. You can lose "because" though.
And the buildings turned to towers -- maybe "as buildings turned to towers"
I felt the overbearing power -- I'm not sold on 'overbearing power' -- leaves me again wondering if it was chosen for rhyme. You don't have to keep a consistent rhyme scheme, so you can rhyme with out, running, romance, etc. I wouldn't go any farther back than that. Or, you can say: "I felt like a girl singing in the shower when the lights go out."
Of a girl singing in the shower
When the lights go out. -- I'd urge you to end the poem here. It might sound harsh, but I don't find anything that follows to be compelling. There's a lot of explanation in the rest, and I don't think anything really needs to be explained. I know that the water runs cold, etc. It's always better to end on a strong image than a "synopsis." When I was first reading this, my page ended at this line and I thought I was at the end -- I thought, "what a great ending!" So, I urge.

Another thing that I think is striking about ending it here is that there's a darkness, an abruptness to the ending of the good times, her singing comes to a chilly end. Ending on the shower scene also mirrors the rain in the beginning, but now it's not a sensual rain but an arctic ice bath. To me, that's stronger than ending on a growing mold image, which doesn't have a corollary anywhere in the beginning of the poem, unless you're comparing mold to dust. And there too, I think you might want to simplify and use a main core of images and stick with developing those.

And the water runs cold.
And the songs turn into screaming
While she’s panicking for meaning
Learning warmth is merely fleeting
And objects that welcome water turn to mold.

Believe the lies you’re told
And you’ll wince as his hands
Quickly start to fold
Around umbrella grips
That he gave you to hold
And before your eyes find anger
They find emptiness and shock
So uncontrolled.
He leaves now without looking back
And while you never ask for comfort
This somehow feels like attack
And you’re unconsoled.
Perched under the parkway
Sprouting mold
 

I very much enjoyed the voice, the tone of this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[Erthona]

CarrieChristo,

Starting each line with a cap does a disservice to your reader as it makes the poem more difficult to read. The same is true about lack of punctuation and grammar. Some of the modernist poets, or imagist if you will thought they were rebelling, but that is long past and it makes little sense to rebel by degrading your communication. One would assume that the entire point of writing is to convey something, which takes into consideration one writes in such a way that one's readers have the best chance of understanding. Purposely obscuring by not writing as clearly as one can, which means using the tools that have evolved over hundreds of year, seems counter to the intent of writing.

It seems a number of the lines are forced and are only there because of the rhyme, such as:

"Ignoring dust may clog our lungs"

This line does not appear to connect to what comes before or follows after. This seems to have no part in the story that is being told. Thus it is disruptive to the reading of the poem.

One thing about this site is that if a person doesn't understand a poem they will say so, unlike other sites where people think they are just to dumb to understand and so they write something about how nice the poem is. So if the comments are a lot about not understanding the poem, that means the writer has failed to be clear. For exampled I got what was happening with the boots after re-reading it, however this should not imply it was in any way clear, as someone else had no idea. Written as sentences:

I swear you said, “Come in,” from the cobwebs of your closet.
You ducked and plucked your boots (out) and put them on my feet, then tied the laces neat.

It still needs to say from where they plucked their boots. It needs to say where the person ducked.

They ducked back into his closet and plucked their boots then...

Most lines or groups of lines are like these. With correct punctuation and grammar they can be made more clear. Usually this is part of the "I know what it means so you should also" syndrome. As the writer we forget that the reader is not privy to what we know, so when the writer reads it it makes perfect sense, because the brain fills in the blanks, but the readers brain cannot do this. Usually the best way to start getting by this, is to let the poem set for awhile (in the beginning several months, unless one has a real good memory, then longer). Another way to work on this is to write everything out in sentence form first, as it is a lot easier to see problems that way.

Best,


dale