Let's

[albinododobird]

So beautiful that I can hardly breathe.
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare,
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair,
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love.
I promise it will be so wonderful.

[Magpie]

Hi and welcome to the site. A love poem is a brave way to start, simply because a lot of people think that it is so hard to write original love poetry without it being cliche. There doesn't appear to be any glaring cliches in your poem and a couple of the phrases are quite pleasing, I particularly like the use of 'cocoon'.
A couple of the line breaks read awkwardly for me, line 2-3 in particular.
The phrase 'your gaze piercing me like a scream' seems to be at odds with the overall feeling of the poem, it just feels a bit harsh.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[ellajam]

Hi, a few points for you to consider.

Because L1, and most of the poem, is iambic, the few departures bump my read, particularly smile bright and gaze piercing. It would be easy to improve this if you were so inclined.

I would also prefer pierces and reverberates, it keeps it more immediate.

I found the last line a letdown. It's a cliche and it makes me think less of the Narrator to make that promise unless they are clairvoyant. You could do better.

So beautiful that I can hardly breathe.
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare,
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair,
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love.
I promise it will be so wonderful.

[Todd]

Hi,

Welcome to the site! Yeah love poetry is hard to pull off well. It's easy to move into a sort of emotional shorthand that doesn't really have any emotive power. I'll give you a few comments in the lines and a overall suggestion to consider.

So beautiful that I can hardly breathe.--beautiful sounds like its saying something but its really quite abstract and vague. 
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare,
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside--This air part is a bit at odds with the content of your first line
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.--Better than a dream doesn't really say much.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair,
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love.--Let's fall in love is shorthand for the experience that demonstrates it happening.
I promise it will be so wonderful.--weak abstract ending

Okay so I know your thinking, did you like anything? Possibly. There's an interesting approach that you're hinting at in places:

I can hardly breathe
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare,
our gaze piercing me like a scream

You flirt with the idea of love unmaking a person, robbing them of the ability to function. I want to talk but I can't get enough air, or my lungs collapse. I look at you and you burn out my retinas. When you look at me it is like a scream.

I'm not suggesting a rewrite there just drawing out what I see. This could be an interesting love poem if you developed an angle like that with less shorthand and more specifics. It may not be what you're looking for but figured I'd mention it.

Best,

Todd

[Erthona]

Welcome to the site.

(Just a side note) When I was first at the university in the seventies, I was taught to avoid sentiment in writing, but especially in poetry. Blame the post-romantics for wearing it out. I don't think there is anything wrong with sentiment, in and of itself, but it seems a large portions of society is repulsed by straightforward declarations of emotion, especially love. So it is that now I often have difficulty deciding if a piece such as this is in fact straightforward or sarcasm. Well, on to the poem.

Blank verse is it? There are some (well many) problematic areas with the verse form that need be attended. I'll not note them all, but ones that are really disruptive are the pseudo-Yoda turn,

"Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare"

I realize this is an attempt at enjambment, but it comes across when first read as reversed syntax until one slows to see it is a sentence break in the middle of the line, which of course is very disruptive to the reading.

Then "cocoon". Not only is the wording awkward, but the image conveyed is worse (thus I lean towards sarcasm). Not every synonym works equally well. Cocoon has much connotative baggage that snuggle does not.

In summation this poem seem mostly sweet nothings, but if one is wooing one who finds sweet nothings tasty, I guess they will settle for nothings less sweet...

dale

[Shay]

While the intention of this is based on a beautiful emotion, I thought the execution of the concept on hand wasn't that effective at some places. 

So beautiful that I can hardly breathe.
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare, - This segment is rather abstract, the obvious linkage of sun/stare isn't evoking the emotion you were aiming for here (which is further undermined by the placement of "beautiful"). Yet, it's a decent approach towards descriptiveness. 
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul. - I thought the initial outline here was very powerful and descriptive It's also nice that you're employing stylistic devices, however, the "piercing like a scream" is a rather common notion. A comparison could've been drawn in association with the preceding segment, sun/stare/ray for instance, to enhance the consistency. 
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream. - This is very nice, but I feel like it lacked some more detail, like, why is the person "better than a dream"? It appears to be slightly abrupt. 
I want to cocoon myself in your hair,
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms. - It has been pointed out already, but "cocoon" could be replaced by a word less powerful as you are descriptive enough in this segment, it's not as natural as the segment overall.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love.
I promise it will be so wonderful. - The first two lines were nice in terms of imagery creation. the last line however, didn't feel like you were concluding that powerful, as "wonderful" is a quite vague reflection of "falling in love". 

Nice work overall, thanks for sharing. 

[oliviakristen]

So beautiful that I can hardly breathe. This is kind of  a cliche. However, it's a good opening because it is simple and works to introduce the rest of your poem. It does sound weird because it's not addressed to anyone / anything. Like, what is so beautiful that you can hardly breathe?
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare, The first line sounds kind of choppy. Play with the words a little, maybe use more imagery.
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream, I like this line, and you kind of pull in a cliche but then twist it when you add "like a scream".
reverberating through the air inside 
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul. This is good, imagery at how their gaze impacts you. Like it's echoing inside of you.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive, The idea of binaries is good, saying how you are both, and both make you feel alive. 
awake, because you're better than a dream. Again, this is the cliche but not so cliche, because you pull it out by using the binaries.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair, I really like this line. "cocoon" implies like you want to be totally surrounded. It sounds like love. I want to be totally surrounded in you.
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms. 
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love. I like the "Let's fall in love". You give these experiences that you will do, and then you say "let's fall in love". It's simple but it's really good.
I promise it will be so wonderful. This last line kind of falls short. Maybe you could move the "let's fall in love" to be the last line.

Overall this was really good and I love love poems so this was definitely a treat. Keep up the good work !

[poet-rice]

A simple poem with intent and, at times, well-synthesised imagery, 
although I feel distracted by the undecided cliche/satire. 
I would propose a revision to the opening and close of the poem
to allow the reader to better discover the nuances of your idea 
without such explicit signposting.

Perhaps something like this to exagerate the contrast between the characters.

I want to stare, but can't. 
Your smile bright like the sun. explore this idea further? unless criticising the banalities of "love poetry"
Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair, cocoon is perhaps jarring both in terms of auditory appeal and imagery, consider changing
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. 

Regards,

Poet-rice