For the Heights (Edit 2)

[Weeded]

Edit 2

Misty gloves meet molten sulfur
painting Ijen electric blue,
glorifying the solfatara-
breather's, the livings and the eaters,
darkness displaying the beauty of the night
miner gold's contrails.

They breathe mustard fumes,
drink acid metal,
they carry the weight of eternity on their back
up and down Ijen's summit
until they die.

Edit 1

Mist, gurgling in the volcanoe's pit,
gentle water dancing down the crevice
onto soot-blackened faces, tongues protruding like children,
sulfur workers working to the peak
just to fall in the pit.

The peak confuses heights
like crowns do kings
who think they're atop the earth
with seven saints and forty virgins,
determined to mine every bit of worth,
knee-deep in lava burning,
dying from the leg up
to get ahead atop the volcanic rock
to feel that airy glaze,
to see the beauty of it all,
men melting into one
for the mist.

Original

Mist, burning sulfur men
falling into the volcanoe's pit
for mist, a bit of shade,
the peak confuses heights
like crowns do kings.

Lava melts every touch
nothing but lava now
burning sulfur men melting
into one for the mist.

[Joseph Didis]

I have some trouble understanding this poem so it might be that none of my comments are of any help.
I will try my best though.

Mist, burning sulfur men    Sulfur men are workers going for sulfur in volcanoes? The mist clouds the vision making them fall? Or are the men there for the mist?
falling into the volcanoe's pit
for mist, a bit of shade,   Do the men go there for shade? Should I read "for" as "because of"?
the peak confuses heights   How does the peak confuse heights?
like crowns do kings.   I like this line, I just don't see the connection with the previous one.

Lava melts every touch
nothing but lava now
burning sulfur men melting  
into one for the mist.  this stanza trips me up when I read it, maybe punctuation would help it.

It might be that I just don't know what sulfur men does so I don't understand it. My knowledge is based on one documentary, so this might be my problem. I think you could try to make it a bit clearer though.

I look forward to see where this is going, thank you for sharing the poem!

[Erthona]

I like,

"the peak confuses heights
like crowns do kings."

but other than that I really have no idea what this pom is trying to do (actually I don't know what that is trying to do, but it's a fun simile), so I really can't offer any critique.

Best,

dale

[Weeded]

I have some trouble understanding this poem so it might be that none of my comments are of any help.
I will try my best though.

Mist, burning sulfur men    Sulfur men are workers going for sulfur in volcanoes? The mist clouds the vision making them fall? Or are the men there for the mist?
falling into the volcanoe's pit
for mist, a bit of shade,   Do the men go there for shade? Should I read "for" as "because of"?
the peak confuses heights   How does the peak confuse heights?
like crowns do kings.   I like this line, I just don't see the connection with the previous one.

Lava melts every touch
nothing but lava now
burning sulfur men melting  
into one for the mist.  this stanza trips me up when I read it, maybe punctuation would help it.

It might be that I just don't know what sulfur men does so I don't understand it. My knowledge is based on one documentary, so this might be my problem. I think you could try to make it a bit clearer though.

I look forward to see where this is going, thank you for sharing the poem!

Joseph,
thanks for your comments, theyre very helpful. I will work on making this less ambiguous, and will work on the second stanzas flow as well,
mike

---

I like,

"the peak confuses heights
like crowns do kings."

but other than that I really have no idea what this pom is trying to do (actually I don't know what that is trying to do, but it's a fun simile), so I really can't offer any critique.

Best,

dale

dale,
thanks for the note, this line makes perfect sense, but only in my head hehe. ill work on this one some more, thanks,
mike

[homer1950]

A poem about the plight of sulfur miners is unique. What you have here is a nice begining to something that could be very meaningful. Take your time and re-work this one and it could be very powerful. Nice going.

Mist, burning sulfur men
falling into the volcanoe's pit
for mist, a bit of shade,
the peak confuses heights
like crowns do kings.

Lava melts every touch
nothing but lava now
burning sulfur men melting
into one for the mist.

[Andrias]

Mist, burning sulfur men
falling into the volcanoe's pit (Sounds like a sacrificial thing)
for mist, a bit of shade,
the peak confuses heights
like crowns do kings. (Love the allegory here)

Lava melts every touch
nothing but lava now
burning sulfur men melting
into one for the mist. (Honestly this sounds like it could've really been re-worked, it still can, it just doesn't have the same Oomph the first stanza gave me and the end is quite droll and lacking in any impact.)

Love the title, very gripping.

[Vanity]

Hi!
I'm afraid I didn't really like this-only because I don't fully understand its purpose. I think it needs more...direction. Maybe you could try to lengthen it with some more concrete imagery. There is some sulfur/lava ect...and it has an ominous tone ...but I just don't get what's happening.
Good luck--V

[Weeded]

Andrias,
thanks for your feedback, your comments on the second stanza are especially helpful.
mike

---

V,
thanks for the feedback, ill definitely work on your suggestions, thanks!
mike

---

Homer,
will do, thanks,
mike

[Magpie]

Hey Mike,

You've picked a really unique and fascinating subject here... and I should also add important to that.
I never knew sulfur mining existed and what it fully entailed until the past half hour when I decided to look it up and research it. The thing is most people will be in the same position as me with very little if any knowledge at all so you've got to either do the work for them and give lots of information in your poem or you make it interesting enough that they are happy to go and do a bit research. We all obviously use the internet here so doing a couple of google searches is not a problem and sometimes that's what a poem asks of the reader.

There are elements of your edit that make the poem's subject matter clearer but then there are other elements that seem to cloud it up again. Like the 'seven saints and forty virgins' reference seems a bit cryptic and I can't work out it's relevance to what you are trying to say. I can make an educated assumption as to why it's there and probably be correct but it doesn't stop it from being still a bit cryptic.

I need to go to work soon but I would like to come back to this. I'm a bit annoyed that I didn't look up sulfur mining last week when I first read the poem.

The things that I have just briefly learnt that might be possibly useful as imagery... sulfur was called 'brimstone' in the bible and the belief was that hell was the smell of sulfur. I also saw it being referenced to as Devil's Gold in more than one site. 

Also when I was looking at pictures on google images I feel all mixed up because I know that it is hellish and horrific for the workers but then the landscape looks incredibly beautiful with it's striking yellow and golden appearance.

I really do think this is an excellent choice of subject 
It can definitely work.

I'll leave it there for now coz I have to rush, cheers for the read and for giving me a reason to discover sulfur mining.

Mark

[Weeded]

What up Mark,

I've got to admit... I didn't do much homework before starting this piece. I have the tendency to have an initial idea and jump the gun on sharing it, but it kinda works for me cuz the point of the workshop is to, well workshop but still I hate wasting a reader's time and even edit one is feeling that way.
Basically I wanted to find a way to modernize the 'fire and brimstone' cliche and what I came across was sulfur mining. I got as far as your quick google search, saw some images and thought "wow this is exactly what I want to write about,"
after reading your suggestions i can already see a more advanced poets interpretation on this illustrious subject(wish i woulda known about this for napm), that said it looks like ive definitely got my work cut out for me. thanks for your time, and thanks for your suggestions, youve given me alot of valuable direction for this one,
mike

[Magpie]

Damn man, you need to bump the thread back to the top if you've done an edit or no-one will notice.

Don't worry I'll get this one

Bump

I like the latest edit that you've done, it's definitely the best yet, it's very atmospheric and less cryptic. It's a shame that you had to lose the 'Kings Crown' line but it was the right thing to do, you definitely need to use that line somehow for another poem it's a winner. I'll get back to you and offer some crit on your latest edit, for the moment just wanted to say great edit   and

Bump 

[Weeded]

Mark,
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the bump. I was contemplating whether to when you did so cool ha. But yea, I went for what you suggested and it just didnt fit after that so i lost it. I would like to use it someday though, its a fun simile, like Dale said.
mike

[RiverNotch]

Edit 2

Misty gloves meet molten sulfur
painting Ijen electric blue,
glorifying the solfatara-
breather's, the livings and the eaters,
darkness displaying the beauty of the night
miner gold's contrails.

They breathe mustard fumes,
drink acid metal,
they carry the weight of eternity on their back
up and down Ijen's summit
until they die.

Wait, this is about mining? I thought this was about art and shit -- I saw those misty gloves as the smoke painting the Ijen (which at first I did not know was a volcano, but that I think was more my 'fault' than yours), then the solfatara (skipping breathers because of the damn enjambment) as a sort of unifying "I, singular smoke, paint all volcanoes so", then that whole "they" bit as a really trippy way of centering the energies of the poem (I mean, hey, it begins with mustard gas, continues with drinking, of all things, '"acid metal"', then ends with a Jacob's ladder to death!). Well then ---------

In a more serious tone, even with that ambiguity the introduction of "miners" presents, this is still pretty good -- in the end, with that "they" absolutely senseless, but, like, say, a good middle-Beatles song, good. But ah, that ambiguity -- eventually, senseless good becomes forgettable drivel, unless you put a melody (or a bird) on it. And since this is a pretty obscure subject, my recommendations would be to make everything obvious outright: insert, say, the whole miner line, mustard fume line, and Ijen's summit line right on the top of the poem. Or maybe just donate this to the right audience, maybe an article protesting (or whatever) such operations -- I can only see such changes leading to worse quality, and again, this is already pretty good, with "pretty" meaning "it's its own".

Ah, but here's a nitpick: if my science is correct, it's not molten sulfur that's blue, but evaporated/plasma-something-ed sulfur, with molten sulfur being deep red. And sure, the alliteration is great, but still....
Oh, and another one: why would a miner carry his product back to the mine, especially if his product is useless to the whole operation?

[Weeded]

Edit 2

Misty gloves meet molten sulfur
painting Ijen electric blue,
glorifying the solfatara-
breather's, the livings and the eaters,
darkness displaying the beauty of the night
miner gold's contrails.

They breathe mustard fumes,
drink acid metal,
they carry the weight of eternity on their back
up and down Ijen's summit
until they die.

Wait, this is about mining? I thought this was about art and shit -- I saw those misty gloves as the smoke painting the Ijen (which at first I did not know was a volcano, but that I think was more my 'fault' than yours), then the solfatara (skipping breathers because of the damn enjambment) as a sort of unifying "I, singular smoke, paint all volcanoes so", then that whole "they" bit as a really trippy way of centering the energies of the poem (I mean, hey, it begins with mustard gas, continues with drinking, of all things, '"acid metal"', then ends with a Jacob's ladder to death!). Well then ---------

In a more serious tone, even with that ambiguity the introduction of "miners" presents, this is still pretty good -- in the end, with that "they" absolutely senseless, but, like, say, a good middle-Beatles song, good. But ah, that ambiguity -- eventually, senseless good becomes forgettable drivel, unless you put a melody (or a bird) on it. And since this is a pretty obscure subject, my recommendations would be to make everything obvious outright: insert, say, the whole miner line, mustard fume line, and Ijen's summit line right on the top of the poem. Or maybe just donate this to the right audience, maybe an article protesting (or whatever) such operations -- I can only see such changes leading to worse quality, and again, this is already pretty good, with "pretty" meaning "it's its own".

Ah, but here's a nitpick: if my science is correct, it's not molten sulfur that's blue, but evaporated/plasma-something-ed sulfur, with molten sulfur being deep red. And sure, the alliteration is great, but still....
Oh, and another one: why would a miner carry his product back to the mine, especially if his product is useless to the whole operation?

RN,
This is an attempt at an allegory, I wanted to allude the practices of sulfur miners to topics more relevant to say, a 1st world audience.

But it seems the ambiguity is still the driving force of this piece, I've learned its unwise to explain what I perceive my poem to mean as everyone takes different meanings to the same thing, so im not sure whether I should explain myself or edit to make it obvious. I think im going to go with the latter based on your suggestions, and see where this goes from there.

And hm, I need to find the article I was reading and share it, it showed a picture of a black sky highlighted with electric blue streaks and said it was molten sulfur interacting with the condensation in the air.

Oh and I guess the miners have to trek up Mt. Ijen, down into the volcanoes pit, extract the sulfur by hitting the shit out of the rock with hammers, load it up on these bags tied to long wooden poles they rest on their shoulders, and proceed to hike up out the pit and back down the volano. Hence the 'up and down'

Thanks for the feedback, im working on revising, will post soon,
mike

[amejadcc]

Hi Weeded,

I am a fan of your poem because I have seen the documentary "The Devil's Miner." I have strong sympathy for the children who had to earn their wage like that. I'm sure the Sulphur miners worked the same amount of hours as well. I understand why eternity is on the miner's backs, literally. I will make a point that you make their plight a case for strong emotions.

Here are some ambiguity I found that can perhaps help you on your editing path:

Misty gloves meet molten sulfur (gloves can mean clouds or the miners' damp gloves?)
painting Ijen electric blue, (the color of the volcano mountain or the color of the gases)
glorifying the solfatara- (glorifying - scenic effect or have the effect of monetary value. You can describe more precisely, if you want)
breather's, the livings and the eaters, (I sense remote landscape)
darkness displaying the beauty of the night (sky or volcano)
miner gold's contrails. (miners' tracks left behind)

They breathe mustard fumes, (identification - sulphur gas)
drink acid metal, (emotion - detrimental to health)
they carry the weight of eternity on their back (heavy and dangerous job on Earth)
up and down Ijen's summit (I have a picture of this movement clearly, you can make a refrain if you want to)
until they die. (die - maybe you want to change to be much more descriptive?)

Thanks for the good time. It was fun reading this snapshot.

Regards,
Amejadcc