It's True, The Earth Is Flat edit 1 (Tiger, Tom, Achebe)

[ellajam]

A bit of an edit. I'm having a hard time letting go of some of what bothers most readers but I'm still thinking. Thanks so much for all the thoughtful and helpful comments.

[Leanne]

Ella, I really like this one and to me it is evidence of how much you've developed as a writer, but more importantly perhaps, as an editor.  Your meter is perfect and natural-sounding, with some truly elegant language use.  

I hear your pleas to start again, -- a strong opener.  As you know, I'm a fan of the unnamed "you" -- I know this tends to upset some people, who demand that it's to a specific person, but poetic tradition and things that please us as poets would argue otherwise...
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, -- please don't change this.  Yang is the only part you need -- the yin is implied, but yang is the brightness and the entire line suggests that wanting to go back would upset the natural balance.  
to wear the supple skin again -- would you consider "to wear its supple skin again", referring to youth? This would also improve your sonics just the tiniest bit. Also, I really like the repetition of "again" -- this is the perfect place for it.
as if life were a boomerang. -- again, subtle but very effective.  This is a perfect rhyme in my accent if I'm reading this aloud with the meter to support it.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, -- I'd tend to put a question mark here.
whose scuffed up soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough -- this line made me pause and re-read, as it shifts with the enjambment, which is a good thing but I am not keen on repeating "so" because it's just such a filler kind of word.  I thought at first of "sharp-edged images" but that is a mouthful.  Perhaps "at images too sharp and tough"... but then you're still stuck with fillers.  I'd be going with "at ------ images, so tough" with a 2-syllable adjective in the blank.  I wish I could come up with something better, sorry.
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams, -- you lose your grammatical sense in this line.  Perhaps "that rise to heavens born of dreams"?
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes? this line is a little difficult to say because of the diphthong on soured, then going to two words beginning with vowels in a row.  Perhaps "and soured by" to speed it up just a bit.

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. -- because of the brilliance of this close, I'm going to magnanimously ignore the near rhyme

[Leanne]

Sorry, forgot we were in mild!

[ellajam]

Sorry, forgot we were in mild!

My fault, forgot to put the invite to serious crit in the op, I always welcome serious crit but hate to miss out on the comments by those not up to a full in-line. I want it all.

Thanks so much especially for your opener. I am always so tempted to try out all the wonderful suggestions sometimes I forget to put the poem before my fun, I'm learning.

Its supple skin might solve that line, I hesitate because the detachment of the supple skin spooked Hes and I figure that's a good thing.

I've thought about the punctuation in the midsection a lot and haven't come up with the right answer yet. A ? at L6 with work but screws the next line and I like the whose/who's. I may be able to change that up, I'll think on it.

The so so line, very unpopular, don't be sorry, it's my job to solve it, I appreciate the big fat arrow, thanks for thinking about it, it pushes me to. And besides, great solution to the heaven line. Soured on is rough, yes.

I had the same reaction to the couplet, I liked it too much to change it even though it was just a placeholder, leaving that rhyme is my version of being wild.

[Leanne]

I see it more as a series of questions, perfectly acceptable in a poem:  

"Is this Mick Jagger who I see before me,
the band still playing on, though he can't stand?
Come, let me watch thee.
I have no satisfaction, yet I still
have not your failing vision, sensible
shoes... do you miss sight? Or art thou but
Mick Jagger in your mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from Keith's drug-oppressed brain?"

or something someone once wrote...

[ellajam]

*applauding smilie* I'll see if I can make that work, I like those long breathless passages but most readers don't. good idea.

[QDeathstar]

edit 1 (Tiger, Tom, Achebe)

It's True, The Earth Is Flat  

I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear the supple skin again
as if life were a boomerang. the first stanza is just about perfect. I can feel the boomerang again and again

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, i think there are ways to make this more interesting. It needs to be more personal I feel. yeah, everyone feels quit moaning. On the other hand, personal struggle inspires empathy. I think this is what's missing from the readers perspective.
whose scuffed up soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries nice line break, enjambent
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. stepping off sounds wrong to me. And although "off this plane" is interesting, it does not tie in well with the boomerang imagery from before.

Original:

It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

[ellajam]

Thanks you so much, P, for taking the time to read and comment. I was hoping for L5/6 to be a lead-in to the whine which I was hoping would come across as more personal, I will see if I can do that better. Thanks for the thumbs up on the enjambment, I don't do it successfully too often.

You are not the first to not see the connection I am aiming at between the boomerang and stepping off (I was not thinking airplane). I can tell you why I am reluctant to let it go although my explanation, of course, will do nothing to help the poem. Julia Sweeney did a great piece called God Said Ha, it is hilariously heartbreaking. I have watched people struggle to die and she describes her brother's struggle. They brought someone in who had him picture himself on a trampoline, up down up down, then they suggested he just move to the side. He died. The poem is trying to say life is not an unending cycle we are caught in without the control to step out of it, but a path that rightly ends, even though human suffering is so acute it has them dreaming otherwise.

I will see if there is something I can do in the middle that makes the opening and ending come together better. I appreciate you letting me know it isn't quite working.