edit 1 (Tiger, Tom, Achebe)

It's True, The Earth Is Flat  

I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear the supple skin again
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose scuffed up soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

Original:

It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

Hey Ella. Excellent job with this. I'm not sure which of the two poems gives a sadder perspective. The "flat earth" metaphor works really well at representing what is finite.

 

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin would cut "the" for "more"
as if life were a boomerang. in a sour mood I may not like boomerang. For now, I like it.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough generally not a fan of "so's" esp. 2 on one line. In this case the 2 instances do different duties, (so) I can live with it.
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes. (?)I think this whole section is one question.

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. Still finding new things in this last line. I'll wait for other responses before discussing.

Much enjoyed, thanks for the read,
Paul

(03-10-2016, 02:13 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Hey Ella. Excellent job with this. I'm not sure which of the two poems gives a sadder perspective. The "flat earth" metaphor works really well at representing what is finite.

 

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin would cut "the" for "more"
as if life were a boomerang. in a sour mood I may not like boomerang. For now, I like it.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough generally not a fan of "so's" esp. 2 on one line. In this case the 2 instances do different duties, (so) I can live with it.
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes. (?)I think this whole section is one question.

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. Still finding new things in this last line. I'll wait for other responses before discussing.

Much enjoyed, thanks for the read,
Paul

Thanks so much, Paul, first draft. I'm not a fan of L3 "the" either but nothing else came to mind. More is good, I'll see what I can do there.

The "so"s say what I want but in an inelegant way, I'll think on it.

Question mark added, thanks.

Ha on the last line, I hadn't really meant it to be that tricky, I might rethink that.

Much appreciate the read and comments.

Hi Ella I enjoyed this, having read dales Poem its good to see this contrast but this one also stands on its own because of the opening which is very well done. I also enjoyed the rhyming scheme abab...aa there is probably a form name but I'm not aware. I have a couple of bits I'll put below. Hope they help. Best Keith

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang. rang and yang are too close, probably change boomerang and yang

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes? The abab keeps the rhymes from bumping and this whole stanza moves along very nicely bringing home the.....worn out why would you want to start again that balance S1

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. This links back nicely to the title and gives another twist to point of view, I like.

(03-10-2016, 07:19 AM)Keith Wrote:  Hi Ella I enjoyed this, having read dales Poem its good to see this contrast but this one also stands on its own because of the opening which is very well done. I also enjoyed the rhyming scheme abab...aa there is probably a form name but I'm not aware. I have a couple of bits I'll put below. Hope they help. Best Keith

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang. rang and yang are too close, probably change boomerang and yang

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes? The abab keeps the rhymes from bumping and this whole stanza moves along very nicely bringing home the.....worn out why would you want to start again that balance S1  

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. This links back nicely to the title and gives another twist to point of view, I like.

Hi, keith, thanks for the read and the comments. Most of the fun I had with this was trying to get yang and boomerang to make sense, lol, but the poem is new, I'll let it sit a few days then see if it would be better off gone. Appreciate the help. Oh, it's the basic sonnet rhyme scheme.

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

I'm tired but...
I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing for youth's Yin and Yang;
to wear that supple skin again
as if life were a boomerang.

It is OK to use a rhyme of the same, if the same is again again. It adds to the meaning if you see what I mean.
Ahem...
tectak

(03-10-2016, 08:02 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

I'm tired but...
I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing for youth's Yin and Yang;
to wear  that supple skin again
as if life were a boomerang.

It is OK to use a rhyme of the same, if the same is again again. It adds to the meaning  if you see what I mean.
Ahem...
tectak

Hey, Tom, thanks for taking a dip into mild.

The again/again is interesting, it's not something I would usually do. The thought on L2 is that children's chi is more yang, hot and energetic, do you think I need to add yin in somehow for yang to be understood?

Really well done, and this is a stand-alone, even without Dale's poem. I love the double meaning of 'plane' at the end. And you're not alone in your feeling!

I didn't read Dale's poem before writing this critique because I think that if a poem's good it'll stand on its own. I did enjoy this one, it has an elegance to the rhythm which makes for a surprisingly subtle-if-straightforward rhyme scheme, which is probably a lot more obvious when read aloud.

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, - Evoking the "ying/yang" concept is an interesting move. It almost seems to suggest that an old person is an entirely different human being to his younger self, as if youth falls on one side, age the other, and an impassable barrier lies between.
to wear again the supple skin - The literalism and use of "supple", alliteratively with "skin", makes this line chilling.
as if life were a boomerang. - I think that the extent of the rhyme between "boomerang" and "yang" might depend a little on accent. Not a criticism, just an observation.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams, - These three lines are the only ones which really trip me up in the whole piece. I think would have phrased them like so:

at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend, as human cries
ring out, born of dreams

This is based more on my idiosyncratic sense of rhythm as opposed to a strict observation of meter, though, so I don't know if you want to take that advice seriously. I think what trips me is that the pause after "sharp" isn't reflected in the next two lines, so you have a short clause followed by a really long one, which trips (at least my) comprehension.
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes? - I don't know if it's intentional, but I really like the correlation with "unending screams", which feels like the more obvious, cliched phrasing.

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

Thank you for the read, ellajam

(03-10-2016, 08:24 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(03-10-2016, 08:02 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels2
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

I'm tired but...
I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing for youth's Yin and Yang;
to wear  that supple skin again
as if life were a boomerang.

It is OK to use a rhyme of the same, if the same is again again. It adds to the meaning  if you see what I mean.
Ahem...
tectak

Hey, Tom, thanks for taking a dip into mild.

The again/again is interesting, it's not something I would usually do. The thought on L2 is that children's chi is more yang, hot and energetic, do you think I need to add yin in somehow for yang to be understood?

Hi ella,
The again rhyme...it is all for the poetry. You will see the use of "again" duplicated in lyrics, speeches, monologues again and again. It's a bit like having a deja vu moment and suddenly remembering you'd had it before.
No, you don't need to spoon feed us yin to get the yang BUT the young do have yin and yang in abundance because they lack self-control. Accodingly, they flip and switch (sometimes even their gender identity) with an abandon that age robs us of...so it is apposite.
Best,
Tom

After several reads, I've had no critique come to mind. Only this weighty pang that radiates with each middle-stanza line.

And, as previously iterated, really into how you came full circle from title to conclusion.

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, .....I'd prefer 'your burning yen for youthful yang' (look! an almost - pun!)
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang. ....I understand that boomerangs come back and life doesn't, but since a boomerang has nothing to do with supple skin, the simile is weak.  I would suggest 'and run from being life's also-ran'. I thought of that line and therefore I love it  .Even if it's not 100% sensible.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, .....nice 2 lines
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels .....I like the preceding two lines, but 'fractured soul' is going too far
at images so sharp, so tough 
to comprehend as human cries .....'images so tough to comprehend as human cries ring out to heavens born of dreams....' this is going into a death spiral
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. .....nice ending

the poem has a workable head and feet. the body is missing... unless that's the whole point of the poem, a clever, clever, pun?

Thanks so much for all your comments.

@JM
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, and for the camaraderie.

@ Hes
Hey, great to see you crit. Thanks so much for your support of the form, I enjoy it. I appreciate your interesting comments on S1, I'm wondering how you feel about the "the" before supple skin. I like the detachment it brings but the sonics don't thrill me. Thanks for pointing out the weak lines in S2, you are not alone. I tend to be a slave to meter even when it may not benefit the poem but even sticking with it I'm sure I can do better. Love the comment on scheming/screaming. Much appreciate the time you took with this.

@Tom
Thanks for returning and explaining further. The double again would take care of that bit of inversion and make sense for the poem, but I just can't get over thinking of it as lazy, , I know, it's hard for me to move past rules. Great justification for adding Yin, I'm just not sure I want to go there, still thinking. Thanks so much for your help.

@ephemerald
Hi, welcome to the Pen. I'm so glad you stopped in to read and comment. Thank you for your support of the poem's middle. I love to write in sentence that goes on almost too long, others may feel it went past its limit but I'm glad it had the desired effect for you, I appreciate the time you took to let me know. I hope you enjoy the site.

(03-10-2016, 05:48 PM)Achebe Wrote:  

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, .....I'd prefer 'your burning yen for youthful yang' (look! an almost - pun!) I love your line, good chance I'll steal it. Thank you.
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang. ....I understand that boomerangs come back and life doesn't, but since a boomerang has nothing to do with supple skin, the simile is weak.  I would suggest 'and run from being life's also-ran'. I thought of that line and therefore I love it  .Even if it's not 100% sensible.You love this one more than I do but point taken, the fun with boomerang may be limited to my own, I'll think hard on it.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, .....nice 2 lines
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels .....I like the preceding two lines, but 'fractured soul' is going too far
at images so sharp, so tough 
to comprehend as human cries .....'images so tough to comprehend as human cries ring out to heavens born of dreams....' this is going into a death spiral Yes, a death spiral is the point, but I fear that's not how you meant this. Needs work.
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. .....nice ending

the poem has a workable head and feet. the body is missing... unless that's the whole point of the poem, a clever, clever, pun?

Not that clever that I thought of it specifically that way, but it started out aimed for the Fun Forum then the finished piece had less fun than I intended. I sort of like the contrast.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful and useful comments and suggestions, much appreciated.

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,  
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.            to me, this represents the fear of growing older- or maybe a long time lover longing to be with you again. i feel it's beautifully written

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough                         with powerful meaning, i love how poetry translates into what the reader can sometimes be feeling.

to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

                                                                       paints a beautiful picture in my head of an aged loved one who has hurt you, experienced pain with you, and wants your forgiveness/embrace/love because they fear their approaching death.... and you're wondering if you will care more when you are in that position. 

your words are so perfectly written here in my opinion because i can relate so well. the only thing i have to say is... nothing. can't say anything. i love it.

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

Could cut "to start again" or "to reclaim youth's yang" since they both say the same thing. "yang" has a little more jazz to it, I guess, although haven't we overplayed yin/yang enough? That's like an '80's thing. Or maybe it's 60's...I forget.

like the boomerang effect. Especially early on. Not sure why you would be the "only one" to feel these things. The whole second stanza is kind of whiney. I confess I haven't read the initial poem that triggered this response so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

Ending is boss.

(03-13-2016, 04:58 AM)helenalovern@gmail.com Wrote:  

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,  
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.            to me, this represents the fear of growing older- or maybe a long time lover longing to be with you again. i feel it's beautifully written

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough                         with powerful meaning, i love how poetry translates into what the reader can sometimes be feeling.

to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

                                                                       paints a beautiful picture in my head of an aged loved one who has hurt you, experienced pain with you, and wants your forgiveness/embrace/love because they fear their approaching death.... and you're wondering if you will care more when you are in that position. 

your words are so perfectly written here in my opinion because i can relate so well. the only thing i have to say is... nothing. can't say anything. i love it.

Well, sometimes you hit the nail on the head for someone. I'm glad it worked for you, I will edit more carefully because of your response so thank you so much for letting me know. You'll probably hate my edit.  

(03-13-2016, 06:19 AM)71degrees Wrote:  

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane.

Could cut "to start again" or "to reclaim youth's yang" since they both say the same thing.  
good point, thanks.

"yang" has a little more jazz to it, I guess, although haven't we overplayed yin/yang enough?  That's like an '80's thing.  Or maybe it's 60's...I forget.  
For me, the difference between a toddler's or teenager's chi and an older person's is a fact, it will never go out of style. Maybe you're not wearing your winter coat as much as I am.    You say yang has more jazz, then say it's outdated. So I guess I'm on my own deciding what to keep.

like the boomerang effect.  Especially early on.   Not sure why you would be the "only one"
I'm sure I'm not the only one, but for so long I've been amazed at people's nostalgia, I just don't get the "good old days" and don't get the whole longing for youth of our culture. I'll look again at how I say that.


The whole second stanza is kind of whiney.  
Yes, it certainly is, I was surprised myself at how many lines the whine used up, maybe I can try for better balance.

I confess I haven't read the initial poem that triggered this response so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.  
That doesn't matter a bit.

Ending is boss.

As always your comments are right in a place I can understand and are much appreciated. Thanks so much for coming by.

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels -- I can't say why exactly, but "whose" was jarring to me.  People do sometimes address themselves as "who", but I rarely see people use the possessive "whose" when referring to themselves.  It isn't ungrammatical, just not very common.  "Whose" is a word usually used for others, in my experience.
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries -- The language is lovely, but this strophe (from here to the bottom) has a run-on quality which muddies the message.  I think it would be much clearer if you could hammer this strophe into two sentences.
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. -- Very nice ending.

Since I recently rejoined the forum, I've been looking back over recent poems.  This one is a gem.  The voice is a mature one; there's none of the moody, fragmented language I see in most poems.  The poem is mostly clear, but the language in the second strophe needs some clarifying, in my opinion.  I love the images and/or word choices (youth's yang, boomerangs, unending schemes, plane).

(05-19-2016, 03:02 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote:  

(03-09-2016, 11:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang,
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough,
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels -- I can't say why exactly, but "whose" was jarring to me.  People do sometimes address themselves as "who", but I rarely see people use the possessive "whose" when referring to themselves.  It isn't ungrammatical, just not very common.  "Whose" is a word usually used for others, in my experience.
at images so sharp, so tough
to comprehend as human cries -- The language is lovely, but this strophe (from here to the bottom) has a run-on quality which muddies the message.  I think it would be much clearer if you could hammer this strophe into two sentences.
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. -- Very nice ending.

Since I recently rejoined the forum, I've been looking back over recent poems.  This one is a gem.  The voice is a mature one; there's none of the moody, fragmented language I see in most poems.  The poem is mostly clear, but the language in the second strophe needs some clarifying, in my opinion.  I love the images and/or word choices (youth's yang, boomerangs, unending schemes, plane).

Thank you, Caleb, for your time and comments. I like the whose/who's so that will stay for now. I love a long almost breathless sentence but most readers don't, from the comments I can see where a change would do the most good, I'll try some things out.

I appreciate the reminder to edit, I've been given some great suggestions that I'd like to use.

@achebe: Youthful yang is much easier to say than the awkward youth's yang, thanks again.

@71: I think there's a difference between wanting to start again and the reason why, which could vary. So L2 is necessary, I'll think on L1. Thanks again.

For whatever it's worth, I like "youth's yang" -- two stressed syllables in a row provide emphasis to the meaning.