Posts: 11
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2016
This is my first serious work -
Industrial Complex:
Slinking back into a web of distortion,
dug up the molars rotten core, lent itself to
A sordid Munchausen by proxy complex life form.
Secured vest, a criminal best, lasting jest,
yet only offers second best.
Bleak outward expressions stirring emotions
of a long lost Industrial Complex,
that even though the flow ruptured,
the hollow feeling of fornication,
was mutually assured destruction.
No entrance to seal or satiate,
no machines to fabricate and no
other way to fall out of a ruined state.
Colder steel and black soot wheels
drown the neon elements, when dysphoria
sets in we’ll be ready to peel back the carbon
skin and brittle nails, rusted iron and tarnished
heels that suffocate the earth covered in
glass where life once began.
Bleak outward expressions stirring emotions
of a long lost Industrial Complex,
that even though the flow ruptured
the hollow feeling of rejuvenation,
was mutually assured salvation.
No entrance to seal or satiate,
no machines to fabricate and no
other way to come into a reborn state.
I'm sure my formatting is off, I need to work on that 
Hey there. This is my first post, and I must say that while I am still trying to discern exactly what you are trying to portray, I definitely felt a lot reading this poem. I'll share what I felt stanza by stanza, and then a critique.
Slinking back into a web of distortion,
dug up the molars rotten core, lent itself to
A sordid Munchausen by proxy complex life form.
Secured vest, a criminal best, lasting jest,
yet only offers second best.
The one thing in common in all the imagery (Munchausen, secured vest, a criminal best, lasting jest) is deception for the sake of guarding a deeper need or instinct to physically or emotionally survive, even if it is on some sort of subconscious level. It feels like an allusion to what many people perceive life itself to be, and possible perceptions of life they have "synthesized" in order to remain comfortable and/or sane.
Bleak outlook expressions stirring emotions
of a long lost Industrial Complex,
that even though the flow ruptured,
the hollow feeling of fornication,
A simple observation of the expression of the universe around us, even the literal physical expressions of mankind, especially when they are in pain, reveals parts of a complex form behind it all that is nearly or fully mechanistic...Robotic, synthetic, etc.
But even when one faces this truth, blunt pleasure and intense satisfaction by interacting with the universe is very possible.
was mutually assured destruction.
No entrance to seal or satiate,
no machines to fabricate and no
other way to fall out of a ruined state.
The state of affairs you have begun describing, this complex "mechanistic" form working in the background, is in no way something that mankind itself created. We evolved from an unconscious process. I think about how once we found ourselves inside it, we could continue to construct something more within it.
To me, when you say "no entrance to seal or satiate", that is indicative of the unconscious nature or nature out of our control that we are present/imprisoned within. An entrance in the first place would mean two things:
1. Satiate- That the complex was built to allow people within it to escape or gather resources from outside it to improve their painful condition.
2. Seal- Human beings would have the power to control who can enter and exit.
Just as the entire context of the poem has a sort of fatalistic tone to it, the imagery here is a reflection of the powerlessness and hopelessness of mankind.
"No other way to fall out of a ruined state" - This summarizes your entire stanza.
Colder steel and black soot wheels
drown the neon elements, when dysphoria
sets in we’ll be ready to peel back the carbon
skin and brittle nails, rusted iron and tarnished
heels that suffocate the earth covered in
glass where life once began.
One's dissatisfaction with life, when guided by a curious consciousness, such as your own, looks past the pain and hideous aesthetic and reflects on the state of affairs life began as before destruction accrued.
Bleak outlook expressions stirring emotions
of a long lost Industrial Complex,
that even though the flow ruptured
the hollow feeling of rejuvenation,
Such introspection that leads one to reflect on where life began results in a sense of assurance and simply becoming aware of "how" everything works can be an enlightening experience. But that is all it is. Thus, it's hollow. It's just a pleasurable experience that helps us get by a little bit easier.
was mutually assured salvation.
No entrance to seal or satiate,
no machines to fabricate and no
other way to come into a reborn state.
Your entire poem illustrates the power that knowledge and acceptance of the truth has in making someone feel "good" even in the midst of our inevitable catastrophe.
I'm sure my formatting is off, I need to work on that
[/quote]
The only critique I have is in regards to this line:
"Bleak outlook expressions stirring emotions" - I'm sure that each word meant something to you when you wrote it, but as a reader, "outlook" seems redundant. Only because outlook is generally implied when one considers the meaning of expression. Expression is the final result of some sort of outlook. Outlook is a necessary prerequisite to expression. If you want to put something in the line because the word "outlook" itself sounds good to you, find a different word that sounds like it, especially has that "ow" vowel sound, and still relates to the context.
You have used a lot of metaphor here, but it honestly doesn't feel over-tried. It simply makes sense to me.
Posts: 11
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2016
(06-10-2016, 03:26 AM)jdrubnitz Wrote: The only critique I have is in regards to this line:
"Bleak outlook expressions stirring emotions" - I'm sure that each word meant something to you when you wrote it, but as a reader, "outlook" seems redundant. Only because outlook is generally implied when one considers the meaning of expression. Expression is the final result of some sort of outlook. Outlook is a necessary prerequisite to expression. If you want to put something in the line because the word "outlook" itself sounds good to you, find a different word that sounds like it, especially has that "ow" vowel sound, and still relates to the context.
You have used a lot of metaphor here, but it honestly doesn't feel over-tried. It simply makes sense to me.
Changed outlook to outward, maybe that's better.
It still seems a bit redundant to me, but that's just my input. What is important about that particular part of the line to you?
Posts: 11
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2016
Kinda going with the hopeless theme you already touched on, hence bleak expression.
Cool. In that case, I definitely think "outward" could be taken out, considering the significant message wouldn't be hindered.
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