Sex or Music EDIT 1 (now ORGAN SYMPHONY WITH ORCHESTRA)

[kolemath]

EDIT 1

ORGAN SYMPHONY WITH ORCHESTRA

Trumpet valves,
trombone slides,
xylophone mallets,
violin bows,
instruments warming,
tuning notes,

the score opens light,
slow.
Playing in key and harmony,
the tempo increases.
The sound crescendos.
The swelling orchestra,
crash of percussion,
strings beneath bows,
baritones blow,
oboes, piccolos, saxophones,
organ symphonic
climax of movements.
 
The sound finishes together,
conductor collapsing,
orchestra gasping for air.





 



Sex or Music
 
If you are a violin,
I am a bow.
 
If you are a trumpet,
I am a valve.
 
If you are a trombone,
I am a slide.
 
If you are a xylophone,
I am a mallet.
 
I tune you, listening
for the perfect pitch in key
to test and taste the sound.

 
The curtain is pulled,
conductor and orchestra together.
The first score light,
slow and gentle, delicate,
easing into the fullness of a bouncing bridge, more
tempo and crescendo, climax of movements,
orchestra, conductor, one sound in swells,
fingers clenching
neck and bow,
horn and note,
mallet and key,
brass over strings,
the percussion crashing,
perfect pitch, harmony,
 
all finishing together,
and the conductor collapses,
and the orchestra gasps for air
and all in the hall,
 
renewed.
 

[Leanne]

Hi Kolemath, I like the overall metaphor as the two constructs easily blend together. I'm not sure if the repetition of "if" is strengthening the poem at all -- is it important to you, or could you just make statements i.e. "you are/ I am"? Also, your final lines are unclear. It could be read as "and the orchestra gasps for... all in the hall, renewed", which I'm sure you don't really intend, so I'd suggest removing at least one "and", getting rid of that comma and making it clear that "all in the hall are renewed".

The title is a dead giveaway and informs the way the poem is read without allowing the conceit to shine through. We're forewarned, so to speak. I think it's important to reconsider the title.

Overall, much to like here and much to work with.

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, an enjoyable poem with a metaphor that works. I have a couple of issues regarding technicalities and terminology, nothing too serious though. Also I agree with Leanne regarding the title, with a poem like this it is quite important to have a title that doesn't give it all away.

 
Sex or Music
 
If you are a violin, -- I also think that you could drop the repetition of 'if', without it the statements would seem more definite.
I am a bow.
 
If you are a trumpet,
I am a valve.
 
If you are a trombone,
I am a slide.  -- This is the first of my technical issues - A valve is part of a trumpet and a slide is part of a trombone so for me these two statements don't work in the way that the other two do. A bow is a separate implement that makes the violin sound and likewise the mallet to the xylophone. I was thinking about what the equivalent would be for trumpet and trombone and I suppose it would be breath or air which doesn't work for what you are wanting to say. 
 
If you are a xylophone,
I am a mallet.
 
I tune you, listening
for the perfect pitch in key -- musically this line doesn't seem to make much sense. Pitch is only paired with 'perfect' as a descriptor when talking about people with 'perfect pitch' who are able to identify the pitch of a note without any reference note. And 'key' is used for a piece of music. This stanza could be written as
I tune you, listening
to your pitch
to test and taste the sound
to test and taste the sound.

 
The curtain is pulled,
conductor and orchestra together.
The first score light,
slow and gentle, delicate,
easing into the fullness of a bouncing bridge, more -- Another technical issue with 'bridge' - I'm not sure how many people are aware that it is a musical term for a passage in a piece of music. I only say this because before I became a musician when I heard James Brown say "Take it to the bridge" I presumed he was talking about a big metal thing stretching over some water, which was quite worrying.
tempo and crescendo, climax of movements,
orchestra, conductor, one sound in swells,
fingers clenching
neck and bow,
horn and note,
mallet and key,
brass over strings,
the percussion crashing,
perfect pitch, harmony, -- careful with 'perfect pitch' again here. I do like how you have constructed this stanza with the line lengths and the fact that it is all one long sentence. 
 
all finishing together,
and the conductor collapses,
and the orchestra gasps for air
and all in the hall,
 
renewed.
 

I like the poem and most the comments that I have left are of a technical issue regarding music, so nothing too serious but still issues that should be addressed.

Thanks for the read,

Mark 

[tectak]

Hello kole,
for me, this is "formula" poetry. Nothing wrong with that, but it is very difficult to pull off. I know. I failed, often. The infinite metaphor cannot stop, cannot begin and cannot have a center....so off it goes in never decreasing circles of increasing absurdity as the writer struggles to get some closure. If you were a hammer, I am your nail; if you were a tap, I am your pail; If you were a condom, I am your prick; if your were a Richard, I'd be your dick etc, etc.
So, what to say on a line by line, having said what I said? I am not churlish enough (some may disagree) to say that just because it ain't for me it should be unworthy. So the following might help, might not.
Best,
tectak

 
Sex or Music
 
If you are a violin,
I am a bow. You are asking for trouble. The mechanics of this metaphor give me stroking, rubbing, sawing,pulling...it is a much used one-off.
 
If you are a trumpet,
I am a valve....as expected, non-conforming comparison. There is also a tense problem, surely, "if you WERE" is neater. I mean just to twist the keen blade of the cliched knife, how would this have sounded "If you are a carpenter, then I am a lady.." No. Not good.
 
If you are a trombone,
I am a slide.No more on this. It ain't working for me. If you are a drum, I am a stick. If you are an oil stain, I am a slick. I can't take any more.
 
If you are a xylophone,
I am a mallet.
 
I tune you, listening
for the perfect pitch in key What is a "pitch in key"?
to test and taste the sound.

 
The curtain is pulled,
conductor and orchestra together. Unfortunate linkage to have the curtain pulling conductor and orchestra together. You said it...but I know what is happening. You are in a flat spin with no fuel left, but like a good pilot you never stop flying the plane..
The first score light, From this point to the end you have a poem. This sex/symphony linkage is just too weak. A good idea, you know, climaxes, surges, swelling, thrusts,sheet (music) clenching, eye-watering emotion blah, blah. but it just doesn't hang together
slow and gentle, delicate,
easing into the fullness of a bouncing bridge, more
tempo and crescendo, climax of movements,
orchestra, conductor, one sound in swells,
fingers clenching
neck and bow,
horn and note,
mallet and key,
brass over strings,
the percussion crashing,
perfect pitch, harmony,
 
all finishing together, You should be so lucky...
and the conductor collapses,
and the orchestra gasps for air
and all in the hall, Way too andy....made worse because it stands out as a device. It is deliberately awful but you may have an idea that escapes me.
 
renewed.
 

[Vanity]

Hi! I'm new here...and I know this is serious work shopping , but I'll just give my initial take on it. Hey, first off the title--with the word sex in it, you're like "ooh, goody *click* " but I have to say I didn't think it started off very sexy...but then I thought it got way better

 
Sex or Music
 
If you are a violin,
I am a bow.
 
If you are a trumpet,
I am a valve.
 
If you are a trombone,
I am a slide.
 
If you are a xylophone,
I am a mallet.
 
--I started really enjoying the poem here. For myself, I'd clip off the intro and start it here.
I like your like 'I tune you, listening'(-: and then...I like it because it lots of choppy action, and description. Really nice...I think it feels a little breathless as you read it...which I like.


I tune you, listening
for the perfect pitch in key
to test and taste the sound.

 
The curtain is pulled,
conductor and orchestra together.
The first score light,
slow and gentle, delicate,
easing into the fullness of a bouncing bridge, more
tempo and crescendo, climax of movements,
orchestra, conductor, one sound in swells,
fingers clenching
neck and bow,
horn and note,
mallet and key,
brass over strings,
the percussion crashing,
perfect pitch, harmony,
 
all finishing together,
and the conductor collapses,
and the orchestra gasps for air

----but, you know, Id end it here--on the gasp of air.
I think the last two lines are weak. 
I enjoyed reading it. I hope some of my comments/opinions were helpful. Please forgive any typos
Good luck- V


and all in the hall,
 
renewed.
 

[kolemath]

I appreciate everyone's readings; I've simplified things and hope the essence isn't lost!

Thanks to Mark and Leanne for poking holes in the weak title, word choice, and metaphor connections.

@tectak--never has poem demolition been so entertaining. thanks for being blunt.  I was avoiding the wordiness subjunctive, but realize I was losing more than gaining by keeping things in present tense. (btw...finishing together is easy if you have the right partner).

@vanity--i hope the sexy is more sexy

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, this is a good edit that you've done here. Simplifying things a bit was the right way to go and the poem has benefited. I've left some notes below.

EDIT 1

ORGAN SYMPHONY WITH ORCHESTRA  -- Much better title that gives nothing away

Valves inside trumpets,
slides of trombones, -- I like what you've done with these four lines they work better and they suit the title change because on first read of the poem they seem like they are setting the scene for the music to come. Also the metaphor is formed by the reader, if they so choose, as opposed to before where the reader was told straight away. I would prefer to see the first two lines as, 'Trumpet valves, trombone slides' it's less complicated and it works better with the next two lines.
xylophone mallets,
violin bows,
warming the instruments, -- I get why this line is here, but strictly speaking do musicians warm instruments up?
tuning the notes,
playing in key and harmony, -- This line feels as though it has come too early, if you'll pardon the pun. I think it would work better in the next stanza possibly before the 'tempo' line.

the score opens light -- one of either gentle or slow seems redundant as they both seem to serve the same purpose for music and the metaphor.
gentle, slow.
The tempo increases.
The sound crescendos.
The swelling orchestra,
crash of percussion,
strings under bows, -- how about 'beneath' instead of under
baritones blow, -- I like the sounds in these lines here. One possible issue is 'baritones', if it isn't specified which baritone instrument is being referred to, ie baritone saxophone, then surely the word baritone would refer to the male singer who sings in that pitch. I don't know this for sure but it would seem likely, in which case 'baritones blow' could take on a different meaning altogether. Could be worth checking just to make sure.
oboes, piccolos, saxophones,
organ sym        phony -- I'm a bit lost with the gap in this line, I can't work out if it's perhaps a mistake or a device for anticipation or something to enable the reader see the word 'orgasm' with organ and sym. It seems a bit odd to leave the word 'phony' isolated because 'phony climax' would essentially mean 'fake orgasm' which I'm sure is not intended.
climax of movements.
 
The sound finishes together,
conductor collapses,
orchestra gasps, -- I would agree with Vanity about ending it on this line, it's almost too perfect not to.
all in concert, renewed.

It's definitely getting there, I especially think that the simplification at the beginning of the poem is good work that gives the poem an extra dimension by not outlining a metaphor. Good to see poems getting workshopped like this.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[tectak]

I appreciate everyone's readings; I've simplified things and hope the essence isn't lost!

Thanks to Mark and Leanne for poking holes in the weak title, word choice, and metaphor connections.

@tectak--never has poem demolition been so entertaining. thanks for being blunt.  I was avoiding the wordiness subjunctive, but realize I was losing more than gaining by keeping things in present tense. (btw...finishing together is easy if you have the right partner).

@vanity--i hope the sexy is more sexy

Good egg,
whe I said finishing at the same time I meant the same year
Best, tectak
Good edit,too.

[kolemath]

@mark---your comments are very helpful as usual. some of them I realized for myself a few hours after posting. 'phony' was a problem. hopefully 'phonic' isn't. thanks for the word suggestions too.