Torn

[Marymic]

You welcome me with one hand
And shun me with the other
How do I know
Whether to open my heart
Or seal it, watertight
 
You want something from me
Things doing, things being
Treasured habits and comfort ways
Which don’t fit my naked me
 
I want things too
To do and be
With you in easy softness
Coming out of the cold shadow
To feel felt
And frighteningly safe
 
So I freeze and wait
until I know
which hand is really you

[ellajam]

Hi, Marymic, welcome to the Pen. This poem is very successful in some ways and not so much in others. The clarity is great, I know what it is saying. There is some lovely phrasing and I like your choice of breaks. Weaknesses for me: I don't think your choices for the first word of each line warrant the emphasis of automatic capitalization of each line, I think the poem would work better without it. If you like to work without punctuation I think you could easily lose the two commas, or full punctuation I don't think would hurt the poem. The biggie: This is an emotional poem that doesn't quite make me feel it, just a little too much on the "tell" side at points, I'll try to figure out why and where in the notes below.

You welcome me with one hand
And shun me with the other
How do I know
Whether to open my heart
Or seal it, watertight
 This opening strope is weak for me, it clearly states the situation, but I would prefer an instance where this is clear rather than just being told this. Too flat for an emotional poem, for me.

You want something from me
Things doing, things being Thing doing is a bit odd, you could do better here.
Treasured habits and comfort ways
Which don’t fit my naked me Again, I'd prefer an example. I like the idea of "naked me" more than the actual line.
 
I want things too
To do and be
With you in easy softness
Coming out of the cold shadow
To feel felt
And frighteningly safe
 The above four lines are strong and beautiful, I like easy softness and the coming/cold sound.

So I freeze and wait
until I know
which hand is really you
I don't think you need the last two lines.

So, it seems the strength of the poem lies in the third strope for me. The comments ended up a bit harsher than I thought they would but that's my read of it. I think you have the core of something and I'm intereted in it enough that I hope you can make it into something with a real wallop. Good luck with it.

[Marymic]

thanks for the feedback, it is really helpful. I will rework it

---

Eyes whisper longing
while attached hands
shove me further away,
shockingly.
 
How do I know
what to do,
seal off, watertight?
Or reach into the unknown calling?
 
You want something
me doing me being;
treasured habits and comfort ways
are naked me in armor
that bites.
 
I want things too.
To do and be
with you in easy softness,
coming out of the cold shadow
to feel felt,
and frighteningly safe
 
I don’t know how to be
with you

[Lizzie]

Hi, Marymic!

You welcome me with one hand
And shun me with the other
How do I know
Whether to open my heart
Or seal it, watertight
 
You want something from me
Things doing, things being
Treasured habits and comfort ways
Which don’t fit my naked me
 
I want things too
To do and be -- 'too,' leading into 'to do' trips me up on each read. I can't get that to flow.
With you in easy softness
Coming out of the cold shadow
To feel felt -- I like this phrasing
And frighteningly safe
 
So I freeze and wait  -- I like the repetition of cold images
until I know
which hand is really you

Overall, I feel like you're telling me what's happening and not showing me. The title leads me to believe that I'm going to read about strong emotion, but that doesn't come across for me. I feel the tension of waiting and not knowing, so maybe it would help for you to clarify the core emotional impact you'd like to have on the reader.

Thanks for the read!

lizziep

[Vanity]

Hello, Marymic!
I read through the your poem three times...and I must say, overall I think it reads as if I'm hearing your thoughts.I agree with the reviewer that says there's just too much 'tell' and not enough imagery. In s1 there are the 'hands' (which I almost picture like a gesture) then the heart, which seems a bit cliche.
I do get the sense of indecision, and I do feel...sad for you, as the reader, peeking in. I would suggest --to amp up imagery-- to read thru your poem again and jot down any particular scenes that come to mind--reactions- that you can maybe work into this framework.
I hope this is helpful! I am new here as well. Good luck!-V

[Slix343]

Hi Marymic, I have to say your poem is very clear. Both times you have absolutely nailed keeping me with your words during the opening. However I have to disagree with Emmajam as I thought the opening while a bit to much on the tell side was better for this sort of thing you were trying to do. This poem is emotional and it deals with conflicting feelings. I felt that your line in the original was more clear than the edited version on what that was and became more vague and contradicting as it went on. Which sounds bad but again you did this perfectly with lines like "Naked me" and "Frighteningly safe" which I love as they transition beautifully from the once clear statement at the beginning to outlining the emotions of the speaker. 

thanks for the feedback, it is really helpful. I will rework it

---

Eyes whisper longing - This might be a bit on the weak side in showing the push and pull that makes the speaker emotionally torn. The only physical action is negative and despite the eyes being longing there is not much affection really shown here.
while attached hands
shove me further away,
shockingly. -This line feels a bit tagged on. Is it really shocking? Maybe this person wants to make the speaker their pet and destroy their will. Maybe not.
 
How do I know
what to do,
seal off, watertight? -Very good reworking with Emmajam's suggestions
Or reach into the unknown calling?
 
You want something
me doing me being;
treasured habits and comfort ways
are naked me in armor
that bites.
 
I want things too.
To do and be
with you in easy softness,
coming out of the cold shadow
to feel felt,
and frighteningly safe
 
I don’t know how to be -This serves to wrap things up nicely but I do feel you have now moved the clear explanation from the top of the poem to the bottom. This is not bad either but it is still there. 
with you